[sticky entry] Sticky: This journal is ...

Friday, August 12th, 2011 01:55 pm
faevii: (Default)
... now a little more private than it used to. I lock a lot of posts.
... sadly not very active anymore! Whoops.
... mostly personal, but I do mention my fandoms and occasionally even have an Opinion.

some more info about me & what to expect )

(no subject)

Thursday, September 5th, 2013 02:23 am
faevii: (an actual sentence)
My therapist has recommended that I apply for disability. I was surprised by the way she said it, as if she wouldn't suggest this to just anyone. I mean, she's barely talked to me a handful of times and she already believes that my problems are pretty serious?? I ... I don't quite know how to process that. I'm used to wasting a lot of time trying to convince people I'm not exaggerating.

She brought it up because she thinks there might be a boarding school for people with disabilities that I could attend after all - great news if it's true, but she wasn't sure if there were age restrictions. I'm supposed to inquire at the labour office, which ... okay. Somehow I doubt they'll be of much help? But they wanted to see me anyway, so I'm waiting to be sent an invitation. In the meantime I can tell Mrs D about this new turn of events and ask her how to do that whole disability thing.

I don't know how I got here from thinking I could move to Hamburg and go to a normal school.

(no subject)

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013 11:43 am
faevii: (Default)
*sneakily updates sticky post and profile because no one's ages were correct anymore*
faevii: (what is this i don't even)
I'm feeling restless and anxious and I thought maybe writing about it would help. I don't know what the reason is, though. I've been feeling that way a lot since my tablet broke a few days ago, but I'm not sure if those things are related. Right now I would not be capable of doing anything on the tablet, anyway. I'm too tired to concentrate and yet there's that feeling of ... "Cannot go to bed yet. Something more important than sleep demands my attention, but fuck if I know what it is."

I haven't felt this way in a long time. There were some days on which I didn't want to sleep because I was simply too awake, especially while I sat around unable to walk (long story short: I sprained my ankle), but I'm tired right now. I just feel like something's not right with the world and I need to set it right before I can go to bed.

I guess in the end it doesn't matter. I've taken my pills and sooner or later I'll be too tired to protest anymore. But unlike yesterday, when I expected nothing worse than a bewildering dream or two, today I'm feeling a little apprehensive about the prospect of sleeping thanks to the manner in which I woke up this morning.

You know how I occasionally have this problem where I wake up and find I cannot move, and that my heart is beating as if I were terrified, except I am not and even if I were I wouldn't know why? (I don't get nightmares often and anyway this doesn't seem to be a fear thing.) I always assumed it would stop once I got my insomnia under control, but in retrospect that doesn't make any sense. Why did I assume that just because both had to do with sleep, one must be a side effect of the other? How is chronic insomnia even supposed to cause anything like that? I mean, I also considered that it might be another kind of random panic attack or related to the fibromyalgia, but in any case my point is I never regarded it as a problem of its own. I never realised the impact it had on my life. The only times I paid any attention to it at all was when it happened while I was in hospital and I suddenly had to explain it to other people. I guess I took the fact that none of them reacted alarmed as "confirmation" that it was probably only another weird psychosomatic symptom.

Well, I'm starting to think it is NOT psychosomatic, because not only do I currently feel better overall than I have in years, but there has never been a pattern, never any kind of correlation between my emotions or situation and those incidents. And this morning it fucked up my mental state pretty thoroughly - it wasn't the other way around. It just happened, and then I felt shaken and weakened and regretful about having missed the whole morning. Maybe that's even why I'm so anxious now, because I'm worried it's a physical thing and oh gods please not another round of "let's find a doctor who will actually take this seriously and perhaps even find the cause". That was awful enough the last time around and I didn't even get anything out of it aside from the ability to say "well I also have fibromyalgia". None of the treatments I tried then helped and the one thing that eventually did help, years later, was given to me by a psychiatrist of all people.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what's got me so worried. I feel a little less restless now that I've written it down. I just ... ugh. I don't even know where to start. I could try describing it to my GP in such a way that there'd be a chance of him saying "You're right, that's weird and I'm not sure it's part of your anxiety problem." But then he would have to start referring me to other doctors and oh man. Not that again. I've made so many bad experiences with orthopedists and neurologists. What kind of doctor would it be this time? Cardiologists? Also neurologists?? Something I haven't even heard of???

ugh can everything just go away

(no subject)

Friday, June 7th, 2013 09:25 pm
faevii: (an actual sentence)
I am proud of practically every single thing that I did today. I did fun things that I sometimes "don't get around to" very often. I did useful things that had been difficult for a while. I did all of the things that I recently resolved to do daily, plus some things that I just generally try to do on a semi-regular basis. I can't say I did anything that was bad for me. I listened to music. I read (part of) a book. I exercised and went outside three times, but didn't overestimate myself. I even ate ... almost well. >_> And I can already tell that I'm not going to stay awake for too long because I'm slightly exhausted, I took my pills at a reasonable time and there is nothing that I procrastinated on so that I'll have to do it tonight. :)

This is a huge improvement from the last week or so. Maybe it was longer than a week. The last three days were especially bad because I also had to deal with pain on top of the mental sluggishness that came before it. And I have no idea why I got better, but hey, I'm not complaining! I just hope I can keep this up for a while.
faevii: (Default)
One of the most interesting things I have learned about Norse mythology lately is that Loki predates the Asgardian pantheon. He was originally associated with hearthfire and believed to be one of the three beings who created the first humans. He gave them the gift of blood and, well, pretty much everything that makes us humans human. When people started regarding him as a sort of honorary Asgardian, as Odin's blood brother, this was reflected in references to "his past in Jotunheim", where he had a wife and children whom he apparently abandoned when he moved to Asgard to live among the new gods.

I'm still a little unclear on whether "hrimthurs", the word that approximately means "frost giant(s)", has anything to do with actual frost, because from what I've gathered this was indeed Loki's race and I don't know how to make sense of him being the god of hearthfire in that context. Maybe it only refers to how they were created? I don't remember that part very well. (Note to self: re-research how the frost giants came into existence.)

Another interesting thing is that as far as I can tell, modern pagans are the only people who imagine him with red hair...? At first I assumed that came from the original myths, but then I learned that Thor was often referred to as "the red-haired god" and you'd think with how often those two went on adventures together, it would have been mentioned if their hair colours matched. :P But IDK. My sources could be wrong.

Then there is this (quoted from a blog):
The rune that corresponds to Loki is the sixth rune, Kaunaz (also romanised as Kennaz, Kenaz), the rune of illumination, knowledge, and kinship. Kaunaz had both positive and negative implications, much like Loki's propensity for both mischief and aid.

Kaunaz is translated as torch, and is also associated with the hearth, as was Loki in his earlier role in mythology. It was indicative of sudden intuition and understanding, insight, cunning, and creative thinking – Loki's most prominent qualities. It also represented many aspects of Loki's personality: enthusiasm, opportunism, mischievousness, transformation, arrogance, and passion. On a more physical level, it would indicate improved health, but could also symbolise burning pain, fever, or ulcers.
That last bit is kind of hilarious to me because I am remarkably healthy in some ways while simultaneously suffering from pain and fever-like conditions. Well, that and allergies. It's just funny that this same contradiction would also exist in the meaning of an old symbol. XD

One essay I read called Loki "the spirit of paradox", which is ALSO hilarious because a few months ago I started making these jokes on Tumblr about being a living paradox. Except I was being perfectly serious at the same time, which nicely demonstrates my point. I think the way the joke evolved was, I announced that I was ALWAYS EXACTLY 50% SERIOUS and the same applied to this very statement. Then I realised that what I'd just said was some variation of the "all Cretans are liars" paradox. I meant it, though. I am totally half serious and half joking when I say that I am always half serious and half joking. :P

On Saturday I went to this Renaissance fair type thing in my town and nearly bought a pendant with the Kaunaz rune on it. It was labelled either "creativity" or "inspiration", I forget which, and that would have appealed to me even without the Loki thing. Only it was made of copper and I fucking hate the smell of that stuff, so nope. Now I want to make one of my own from polymer clay. It fits me perfectly: a mix of things that I am, things I aspire to and things I like in other people. Things I have and things I need. More contradictions. My entire life is one big contradiction.

(no subject)

Thursday, May 23rd, 2013 07:52 pm
faevii: (an actual sentence)
Oh hey, I eventually decided to lie down for a while and it totally helped. I need to remember to do this more often, no matter how many people have warned me against naps and inactivity because of my insomnia. I may be stronger and almost pain-free now because the Cymbalta happens to work so well, but I do still have a physical condition and I must not forget that.

I keep getting these skeptical reactions from doctors and nurses when I tell them that sometimes I simply need rest - or when I answer questions like "Where does it hurt?", for that matter - despite the fibromyalgia diagnosis. It's like they all think that "common knowledge" such as "young people's feet don't hurt after grocery shopping" or "twenty-somethings are full of energy" should still apply to me regardless, which makes no sense considering the whole definition of fibromyalgia could practically be summed up as "You feel like you're a lot older than you really are."

So I will just have to ignore their advice and remind myself that resting is okay. Often it only takes ten minutes of lying down to recover, anyway.

(no subject)

Thursday, May 23rd, 2013 05:41 pm
faevii: (slice of brain)
I have been back for almost a week now and I have to say that while the first few days were great, since yesterday I've been incredibly tired. I haven't really done anything yet today and I can't bring myself to start now, either. I basically want to go to bed already. It's not even six.

Two days ago I saw Timo, which was mostly awesome and I don't think it has anything to do with this. Perhaps being alone all day affects me negatively or I can't handle the lack of structure in my life. Or maybe I simply haven't been sleeping well??

Maybe I sleep too much. If I do go to bed early tonight, I'll definitely set my alarm earlier as well. There's nothing to get up early for, but I know I like being awake in the morning. I dunno. Somehow things have to go back to normal.

Luck & Chance

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013 09:26 pm
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
Hey look, it's me again. I'm actually spending the night at home today, not posting by email.

So, remember when I (relatively) recently mentioned an older post of mine and said, "I just went looking for that post, but only found the last time I mentioned not being able to find it"?? Well, the other day I totally accidentally stumbled across the very post I was referring to. IMAGINE THAT. I originally just wanted to make sure I was correctly remembering in which year I moved out, but then I found some of the stuff that I wrote at the time so entertaining that I kept clicking the "next post" arrow. And then suddenly, there it was!

Speaking of stumbling upon things, I know this is going to sound ridiculous but I've been finding cents on the ground (or elsewhere) with such regularity that I honestly feel like I'm being sent a message or something. The first two were on consecutive days. Then I made a joke on Twitter like "Can't it be an euro next time?" and it promptly didn't happen again for quite a while. The third time was yesterday. I felt like my punishment for the comment (or possibly for something else but I don't want to talk about that) was over and I'd been given another chance. (At what? I don't even know. What do I expect this to end in?!) So I tried very hard not to think any thoughts that might jinx it again, and here's the best part: Guess what I found today? A freaking five-cent coin, that's what. Yeah. If nothing happens tomorrow I am going to be very sad ... but wait, I shouldn't have said, that, should I?? >_<

Sudden superstitiousness aside (ha, as if I hadn't always had a tendency to see ~signs~ everywhere), I've been feeling pretty good and even my last conversation with the hospital doctor was mostly constructive. She said she'd have to talk to her boss before putting me back on Cymbalta, but sounded optimistic about it. So I'll hopefully be almost pain-free again soon, and if I don't react unexpectedly to the new combination of meds, I'll be able to leave. Hooray. :) I'm still working on non-pharmaceutical ways to promote better sleep, though.

Also I have changed my journal title and subtitle because of reasons. (They're song lyrics again now. AWOLNATION, Soul Wars. One of my favourite songs at the moment.)

Oh, family.

Sunday, April 28th, 2013 05:29 pm
faevii: (Default)
I've had a surprisingly family-themed weekend.

Yesterday I picked up my brother at this town's train station to hang out and have "a coffee or something", which in my case turned out to be iced chocolate. It went really well and I definitely want to do it again, not just with him but also with M when she returns from Hungary.

The one part that left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth was when he asked me why exactly I'm in hospital and I just mumbled something about panic attacks. I didn't know what to say at all. This is not a topic I can speak freely about with a 15-year-old ... or anyone in the family, really. :/

Then today, my mother came to visit. We went into town as well, by car, and ended up at a different ice cream place. It was mostly pleasant, too. But - with my mother there's always a but.

One time I spilled a tear because I felt she was accusing me of the same old thing as she always used to: that if I truly cared about my goals, I would be making progress towards them already; therefore I must not be as invested in them as I think, and now the next step is to find my ~real~ goal so I will be motivated enough to finally get somewhere. Well, fuck you, too. :|

It's funny how I only need to spell it out like that and she'll immediately backtrack, nope, that wasn't what I meant, no sir, nothing to see here. Then she makes a suggestion that is actually useful and it's like it never happened. @_@

At another point I kind of complained about being surrounded by strange, sick people and she took this as a clue to tell me how much I didn't belong in a mental hospital. I just made some non-committal noise while thinking, "IF YOU ONLY KNEW." In other words, same situation as with L. Sigh.

The useful suggestions were good, though, and I reminded her that I wanted to know more about our family history. This time she wrote it down.

I came back from both events kind of motivated and sad. Odd combination, but no surprise when dealing with my family ...

Part 2

Sunday, April 28th, 2013 11:09 am
faevii: (Default)
At first I got the impression that it was suddenly better for me to be here than in Hamburg. The memories didn't bother me, either - it felt like the person who'd lived them wasn't really me, which I suppose makes a certain kind of sense since it was technically me-under-the-influence-of-Tommy. Am I myself now, or me-under-the-influence-of-Loki? I don't know. Things have changed.

The doctors here made some alterations to my meds to help me sleep, but now the pain is back and I feel incredibly tired every morning no matter how much I slept. So that wasn't exactly a success. It also means I'm trapped here until I can get them to either undo the changes or find something else that helps. And after more than a month, I sure am fed up with this place. :/

For a while I was pretty depressed and therefore pessimistic, but aside from that I hoped I might actually get some real help here this time. It looked that way, at first. But by now the doctors seem to be stuck in an endless loop of telling me something has to change and then not changing anything. I guess they're expecting ME to do something again without telling me what that is. Maybe they don't know. It's the same problem as always and I can't believe I didn't see it coming. How many times does a course of events have to repeat itself until I finally start to expect it?!

Well, at least I've had a lot of time to think. And I discovered one little thing that I can do to relax, though I don't know what to call it. Drawing geometrical patterns, I suppose. I already tried that in Hamburg once, but I had so much trouble achieving circular symmetry that I gave up. This time I practised simpler designs until they got circular almost by accident. Later they started looking a little like Celtic knots, also mostly by accident. I have no idea why I'm doing it, but it helps. Feels almost like doing magic.
faevii: (Default)
I only realised a few days ago that I announced I was back and then stopped posting for weeks. Sorry about that. The reason, as those who follow me on Tumblr should know and most who follow me on Twitter will have figured out as well, is that I was only home for three and a half days.

On Friday I came back, on Saturday I had a panic attack, on Sunday I hurt myself again and Monday morning I decided that allowing me to leave had practically been criminal negligence.

I then spent what was left of the morning and part of the afternoon trying to reach anyone who might help me figure out what to do next, only got A's holiday/sickness replacement again and eventually ended up in the /other/ hospital. You know, where I last was in 2011. [{(Tommy.)]}

I'm still there now, hence the email-posting. Will make another entry later, about how it's going.


Thursday, April 25th, 2013 02:09 pm
faevii: (Default)
trying out email posting

(no subject)

Tuesday, March 5th, 2013 12:31 pm
faevii: (what is this i don't even)
Packing is suddenly going much easier now that I know I am actually leaving. Which, yay! But I will probably have to spend a few days in a random ward where nobody knows me because ten minutes after they told me they had a free bed, they called again to say that there was an emergency and the bed wasn't free anymore. @_@

Whatever, I just want to get this over with. See you in a week or two.

(no subject)

Thursday, February 14th, 2013 06:55 pm
faevii: (creepy irish ninja cat)
Some might think it a contradiction that I love winter so much when I get cold easily and the lower temperatures negatively affect my body. I can easily counter this with "no insects and no pollen, dude", but that's not all there is to it.

Whenever I made the mistake of mentioning that I was cold when I still lived with my family, my mother would tell me to go do some chores then, or exercise. (She also liked to claim that she never got cold herself, being so busy and all. *rolls eyes*) But what she failed to understand was that I hated being hot as well, and physical exertion didn't merely make me warm. It made me hot and fucking miserable. And then, if I was particularly unlucky, about twenty minutes later I'd end up even colder than before ... except my head would still be as hot as if I had a fever. That's not pleasant!!

For some reason I don't think I ever managed to explain this to her properly. Maybe it didn't occur to me because I hadn't realised it yet back then. All I know is that every single time I feel exhausted and cold with a too-hot head now, I have to think of her and get angry.

Cold is a manageable evil. You can protect against it or turn up the heating. As long as I'm wearing the right clothes, I love being outside in winter. Cold is merely an absence of something while heat is this crushing presence. Stepping outside in summer can feel like walking into a wall, but stepping outside in winter feels like walking into empty space. That's why I like it. It makes me feel bigger than I am. And free.

(Also, less sunlight that causes screenglare and/or makes my eyes hurt! What's not to love? :P)

(no subject)

Sunday, February 10th, 2013 12:26 am
faevii: (Default)
I had another strange experience yesterday. Er, that is, *checks the time* two days ago now. You know, of the "where do I know the name Anders from" kind, if anybody remembers that? (Do I have a tag for it?? Haha would be good if I knew that, huh?) ... Okay, I just went looking for that post, but only found the last time I mentioned not being able to find it. LOL. That one's relevant as well, though. Seeing as this is about Loki yet again. e_e

I've been reading this excellent fanfiction series centered around him for several days now (and I've almost reached the end *cries*). The last part I read was kind of a humorous interlude in which he basically just ... played a benevolent prank on someone for the lulz. And the strange thing is that at some point I caught myself thinking, "Aww, man, I miss this side of him so much." In reaction to which my next conscious thought was, "Wait, what?? Miss this?! From when?? From WHAT???" o_O I still have no idea. I mean, obviously I've read other fanfics that featured scenarios like that one, but those weren't what I meant! At all!

I briefly considered that I might have been thinking of a different, similar character, but I then I went through my mental inventory of every character I've ever loved and none of them fit the profile.

What the fuck is happening here?! It was creepy enough the first two times, and this is more than just déjà vu. I know what that feels like and this is not it. This is a sense of having lost something important. Something from a long time ago. Its absence makes my heart hurt. I don't understand. :S

(no subject)

Saturday, January 12th, 2013 11:40 am
faevii: (Default)
I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately (well, on and off), about what exactly I'd want out of a hypothetical relationship. It all started back in spring when I feared I might be falling in love with H, and then I changed my mind about that a million times, but regardless of my actual feelings for him, his presence as an obviously sexual person reminded me that most people would probably lose interest in me as soon as they found out that I don't want sex.

I develop romantic attraction very easily and my experiences with Daniel showed that I tend towards monogamy, so I always assumed that I must want another relationship exactly like ours, only without the sex. I'm starting to think that this perfectly logical conclusion may have been incomplete.

For one thing, I rather enjoy living by myself. I miss having someone around to spontaneously do silly stuff with that's not worth inviting a friend over for, as well as other little details, but on the whole I prefer being in full control of my surroundings. How do romantic relationships work if you don't live together? Sure, there's going on dates ... but a lot of the things that people do on dates are things I would like to do with any of my friends, such as going out for food or taking a walk together or doing an activity like, IDK, bowling. Daniel and I used to do those things as well sometimes, but what I enjoyed the most about our relationship was what we did at home. Just ... talking. Cuddling. Watching each other play videogames. Me doing one thing at one end of the room, him doing another thing at the other end, and the occasional interactions which arose from that. And yet ...

Actually, I think it would be amazing to live in separate flats in the same building or something. Hard to arrange, though.

Do I even need a romantic partner? My friends from the hospital taught me that platonic relationships can involve cuddling and hand-holding, too. I'm not sure how important kissing is to me - I definitely enjoy it, but would I miss it? At the moment I don't seem to. Then again, I don't get out much and being around people more often might change this.

A handful of close friends who all live in my building, like to cuddle and would be willing to occasionally make out while drunk, then! Sure, self, because that's so realistic. e_e

... None of which addresses the problem that I have no idea what would happen if I fell in love again. One relationship and one case of unrequited love, that's not exactly a lot of data to go by. So if I don't know what I want, how am I supposed to approach anyone?! "I was wondering if we could take this friendship a step further, but not too much further because I'm kind of asexual, except I'm not a hundred percent sure about that, so would you maybe like to try making out a little??" (Scott/Stiles 5ever tbqh)

I dunno. At the end of the day I just can't imagine finding anyone who would go for that, I guess. :/

(no subject)

Saturday, December 22nd, 2012 11:28 pm
faevii: (Default)
I've noticed that lately I have often felt reluctant to write things down not just here but also on every other website I use as well as in direct conversation. It is due to a certain sense of futility - most of the people reading along won't understand what I'm talking about anyway, so what's the point in putting it out there? But it's not just about the readers. I also feel like words cannot adequately express my experiences in the first place. Why approximate if all I really wish for is to find someone who can relate to the exact experiences themselves?

Don't be alarmed if you've been able to relate to my words in the past - I probably don't mean those topics. I still value that and am very grateful for the handful of online friends I have met over the years. It's just that there are things I have never received a reply to. Things that probably made everyone shrug in puzzlement and move on because they had no idea what I was talking about. I've done the same thing at hospitals, in support groups ... anywhere that a mentally ill person could hope to find another one of their kind. But I never did. I feel extremely alone. Yet for some reason I used to be very determined to at least describe my experiences as precisely as I could to anyone who would listen.

It's like I finally woke up to the fact that this won't get me anywhere. After about seven or eight years you'd think I would have found someone by now if there was any chance of that happening. And why exactly should my current friends who cannot relate need to know so many details? That's not necessary. I used to enjoy the process of writing it all down, but now I appear to have reached a point where I'd rather think than speak. Sometimes I stumble upon book excerpts that I can quote and be like "This! This! Does anybody else feel like they understand this on a deeper level than the author intended?!" and the rest of the time I don't think I will ever find words of my own that will put it even better. I have made my attempts. Now it's time to let go and concentrate on what I'm actually feeling rather than grasping at straws to try and communicate it using mere words.

As strange as that may sound, I'm completely new to the concept of "I don't want to talk about it." I used to find it utterly bizarre - why would you ever not want to talk about something if you could?? - but now I feel it all the time. I don't really want to tell stories from my life anymore unless they are funny or meaningful. That's why I fell out of the journalling habit, I guess - on top of the other reasons I've already mentioned. And funny or meaningful things are often easier to post on Tumblr. Even my TWEETS are getting slightly more refined, with less complaints and boring babble. Apparently not wanting to talk about everything going on inside my head anymore also made me realise that I didn't have to inform the world what I was having for lunch each day. (I still do that sometimes, especially if it's funny or I'm very bored. But I want to deliberately continue on this path until maybe one day I'll even make my tweets public again.)

I don't know what that means for the future of this journal.

(no subject)

Thursday, December 6th, 2012 02:20 am
faevii: (Default)
Oh look, I have thought of something to say.

People keep asking me if I have any plans for Christmas yet. And I just ... I just wonder what the hell kind of plans they imagine I might have?? If it's my mother asking, does she think I'm going to invite Daniel and eat Christmas food with him as if we were still living together or what?? Anyone else might at least be expecting me to say "Oh, I'm going to visit my family." Which I'm sure I will at some point, or they'll visit me or we'll do something together, but not on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day because they're celebrating with her boyfriend's family, where at least one dog and one cat will be present. I dont want to join them anyway, I've only met the guy once and would feel awkward.

To be honest, living alone has completely taken away my interest in holidays. I would buy Timo a present if I could, but I imagine that I won't be able to afford both a Christmas present and a birthday present, so if I have to choose, I'm going to go with the latter. Seeing him is currently not an option because I'm not feeling well physically and I don't want to risk making him sad by having to cancel at the last minute. Never mind that the foster parents would probably be against doing it around Christmas, what with the emotional turmoil that such meetings tend to cause. I'm very unhappy with this, but not because Christmas is coming. I would miss him just as much if it were freaking September.

Back to the topic of plans, I really doubt that Daniel will be in town, but even if we were to hang out, it wouldn't be any different than hanging out at any other time. He usually has less money than I do, so there will be no presents. I don't have any Christmas decorations, so my flat will look the same as always. I suppose we could play board games and eat fancy chocolate together (as I used to do with my family), which would be something new, but as I said, he probably won't even be in town.

Do I have anyone else to spend Christmas with?? No. So what the fuck is my mother asking these questions for. Repeatedly. e_e

I don't mean to sound bitter, honestly - if people stopped bringing it up, it wouldn't bother me at all. I'm looking forward to seeing my family sometime between the 26th and New Year's Eve, just like I did when we recently went to Ikea together. What I'm trying to get across here is that I couldn't care less whether or not it is Christmas. I used to love Christmas for several reasons that all had to do with people I lived with, of which there currently ARE NONE, so I'm going to enjoy the seasonal candy and otherwise carry on as always. It's no reason to be sad, goddammit.

Now that I've written this, I do wonder if I should try to make an effort after all, though. Just for the fun of it. Because extra fun can't hurt, right? Perhaps I could invite some more people over for board games on one of the other days? Ask some internet friends if we could send each other cards? Buy one or two cheap decorations or make some myself??

... And I honestly didn't think I'd be giving out presents to anyone but Timo, but what if I baked something? I could manage that, hopefully?? How about my crafty hobbies, macramé and origami? My younger sister hasn't got a bracelet from me yet - uh, I think - and I've actually had a pretty original idea for my mother. I'd just have to buy some material, and if A finally GIVES ME MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY PRESENT, which happens to be a gift certificate for a craft store, I wouldn't really have to pay for it. I can't think of anything for my brother, though, or Daniel. Well, Daniel would be surprised enough if I presented him with baked goods. :D Anyone not meeting up with me in person would definitely only get a card because shipping ...

Oh my goodness. This post just totally turned inside out and upside down, didn't it.

(no subject)

Wednesday, December 5th, 2012 06:34 pm
faevii: (Default)
I don't know why I suddenly find it so hard to write in here. I guess it's good that I don't feel the need to write down every little thing that happens anymore (though I still do a lot of that on Twitter and/or Tumblr when I'm bored), but I always wanted to keep a record of the most important events in my life so I could look them up later. I've tried everything - from jotting down a keyword or two everyday to detailed accounts done as soon as I got around to them, digital and on paper, offline and online, organised and disorganised. None of these methods worked. Either I eventually forgot I'd been doing it and didn't realise I'd stopped until weeks later, or I started leaving out things that were actually important so that the end result was more of a collection of random snippets. Having an audience helped for a while, but evidently that time is now over.

Maybe creating some sort of automated archive of my tweets, status updates et cetera would be the way to go. I already use Twitter to look up information such as "when the fuck did I wake up yesterday" on a regular basis, so why not? There'd be a lot of useless clutter in something like that, but better too much than too little. How could this be done, though? IFTTT sadly cannot fetch tweets, only Facebook statuses. And where would I put it all? Evernote?

... I just tried to end this post on an actual story from my life, but my brain immediately went, "Nope! Too tired."


faevii: (Default)

September 2013

234 5678


RSS Atom


Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags