faevii: (Default)
Lin ([personal profile] faevii) wrote2013-04-28 11:09 am

Part 2

At first I got the impression that it was suddenly better for me to be here than in Hamburg. The memories didn't bother me, either - it felt like the person who'd lived them wasn't really me, which I suppose makes a certain kind of sense since it was technically me-under-the-influence-of-Tommy. Am I myself now, or me-under-the-influence-of-Loki? I don't know. Things have changed.

The doctors here made some alterations to my meds to help me sleep, but now the pain is back and I feel incredibly tired every morning no matter how much I slept. So that wasn't exactly a success. It also means I'm trapped here until I can get them to either undo the changes or find something else that helps. And after more than a month, I sure am fed up with this place. :/

For a while I was pretty depressed and therefore pessimistic, but aside from that I hoped I might actually get some real help here this time. It looked that way, at first. But by now the doctors seem to be stuck in an endless loop of telling me something has to change and then not changing anything. I guess they're expecting ME to do something again without telling me what that is. Maybe they don't know. It's the same problem as always and I can't believe I didn't see it coming. How many times does a course of events have to repeat itself until I finally start to expect it?!

Well, at least I've had a lot of time to think. And I discovered one little thing that I can do to relax, though I don't know what to call it. Drawing geometrical patterns, I suppose. I already tried that in Hamburg once, but I had so much trouble achieving circular symmetry that I gave up. This time I practised simpler designs until they got circular almost by accident. Later they started looking a little like Celtic knots, also mostly by accident. I have no idea why I'm doing it, but it helps. Feels almost like doing magic.