Saturday, December 22nd, 2012

(no subject)

Saturday, December 22nd, 2012 11:28 pm
faevii: (Default)
I've noticed that lately I have often felt reluctant to write things down not just here but also on every other website I use as well as in direct conversation. It is due to a certain sense of futility - most of the people reading along won't understand what I'm talking about anyway, so what's the point in putting it out there? But it's not just about the readers. I also feel like words cannot adequately express my experiences in the first place. Why approximate if all I really wish for is to find someone who can relate to the exact experiences themselves?

Don't be alarmed if you've been able to relate to my words in the past - I probably don't mean those topics. I still value that and am very grateful for the handful of online friends I have met over the years. It's just that there are things I have never received a reply to. Things that probably made everyone shrug in puzzlement and move on because they had no idea what I was talking about. I've done the same thing at hospitals, in support groups ... anywhere that a mentally ill person could hope to find another one of their kind. But I never did. I feel extremely alone. Yet for some reason I used to be very determined to at least describe my experiences as precisely as I could to anyone who would listen.

It's like I finally woke up to the fact that this won't get me anywhere. After about seven or eight years you'd think I would have found someone by now if there was any chance of that happening. And why exactly should my current friends who cannot relate need to know so many details? That's not necessary. I used to enjoy the process of writing it all down, but now I appear to have reached a point where I'd rather think than speak. Sometimes I stumble upon book excerpts that I can quote and be like "This! This! Does anybody else feel like they understand this on a deeper level than the author intended?!" and the rest of the time I don't think I will ever find words of my own that will put it even better. I have made my attempts. Now it's time to let go and concentrate on what I'm actually feeling rather than grasping at straws to try and communicate it using mere words.

As strange as that may sound, I'm completely new to the concept of "I don't want to talk about it." I used to find it utterly bizarre - why would you ever not want to talk about something if you could?? - but now I feel it all the time. I don't really want to tell stories from my life anymore unless they are funny or meaningful. That's why I fell out of the journalling habit, I guess - on top of the other reasons I've already mentioned. And funny or meaningful things are often easier to post on Tumblr. Even my TWEETS are getting slightly more refined, with less complaints and boring babble. Apparently not wanting to talk about everything going on inside my head anymore also made me realise that I didn't have to inform the world what I was having for lunch each day. (I still do that sometimes, especially if it's funny or I'm very bored. But I want to deliberately continue on this path until maybe one day I'll even make my tweets public again.)

I don't know what that means for the future of this journal.

Profile

faevii: (Default)
Lin

September 2013

M T W T F S S
      1
234 5678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30      

Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags