Saturday, January 12th, 2013

(no subject)

Saturday, January 12th, 2013 11:40 am
faevii: (Default)
I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately (well, on and off), about what exactly I'd want out of a hypothetical relationship. It all started back in spring when I feared I might be falling in love with H, and then I changed my mind about that a million times, but regardless of my actual feelings for him, his presence as an obviously sexual person reminded me that most people would probably lose interest in me as soon as they found out that I don't want sex.

I develop romantic attraction very easily and my experiences with Daniel showed that I tend towards monogamy, so I always assumed that I must want another relationship exactly like ours, only without the sex. I'm starting to think that this perfectly logical conclusion may have been incomplete.

For one thing, I rather enjoy living by myself. I miss having someone around to spontaneously do silly stuff with that's not worth inviting a friend over for, as well as other little details, but on the whole I prefer being in full control of my surroundings. How do romantic relationships work if you don't live together? Sure, there's going on dates ... but a lot of the things that people do on dates are things I would like to do with any of my friends, such as going out for food or taking a walk together or doing an activity like, IDK, bowling. Daniel and I used to do those things as well sometimes, but what I enjoyed the most about our relationship was what we did at home. Just ... talking. Cuddling. Watching each other play videogames. Me doing one thing at one end of the room, him doing another thing at the other end, and the occasional interactions which arose from that. And yet ...

Actually, I think it would be amazing to live in separate flats in the same building or something. Hard to arrange, though.

Do I even need a romantic partner? My friends from the hospital taught me that platonic relationships can involve cuddling and hand-holding, too. I'm not sure how important kissing is to me - I definitely enjoy it, but would I miss it? At the moment I don't seem to. Then again, I don't get out much and being around people more often might change this.

A handful of close friends who all live in my building, like to cuddle and would be willing to occasionally make out while drunk, then! Sure, self, because that's so realistic. e_e

... None of which addresses the problem that I have no idea what would happen if I fell in love again. One relationship and one case of unrequited love, that's not exactly a lot of data to go by. So if I don't know what I want, how am I supposed to approach anyone?! "I was wondering if we could take this friendship a step further, but not too much further because I'm kind of asexual, except I'm not a hundred percent sure about that, so would you maybe like to try making out a little??" (Scott/Stiles 5ever tbqh)

I dunno. At the end of the day I just can't imagine finding anyone who would go for that, I guess. :/

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Lin

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