Wednesday, June 26th, 2013

faevii: (what is this i don't even)
I'm feeling restless and anxious and I thought maybe writing about it would help. I don't know what the reason is, though. I've been feeling that way a lot since my tablet broke a few days ago, but I'm not sure if those things are related. Right now I would not be capable of doing anything on the tablet, anyway. I'm too tired to concentrate and yet there's that feeling of ... "Cannot go to bed yet. Something more important than sleep demands my attention, but fuck if I know what it is."

I haven't felt this way in a long time. There were some days on which I didn't want to sleep because I was simply too awake, especially while I sat around unable to walk (long story short: I sprained my ankle), but I'm tired right now. I just feel like something's not right with the world and I need to set it right before I can go to bed.

I guess in the end it doesn't matter. I've taken my pills and sooner or later I'll be too tired to protest anymore. But unlike yesterday, when I expected nothing worse than a bewildering dream or two, today I'm feeling a little apprehensive about the prospect of sleeping thanks to the manner in which I woke up this morning.

You know how I occasionally have this problem where I wake up and find I cannot move, and that my heart is beating as if I were terrified, except I am not and even if I were I wouldn't know why? (I don't get nightmares often and anyway this doesn't seem to be a fear thing.) I always assumed it would stop once I got my insomnia under control, but in retrospect that doesn't make any sense. Why did I assume that just because both had to do with sleep, one must be a side effect of the other? How is chronic insomnia even supposed to cause anything like that? I mean, I also considered that it might be another kind of random panic attack or related to the fibromyalgia, but in any case my point is I never regarded it as a problem of its own. I never realised the impact it had on my life. The only times I paid any attention to it at all was when it happened while I was in hospital and I suddenly had to explain it to other people. I guess I took the fact that none of them reacted alarmed as "confirmation" that it was probably only another weird psychosomatic symptom.

Well, I'm starting to think it is NOT psychosomatic, because not only do I currently feel better overall than I have in years, but there has never been a pattern, never any kind of correlation between my emotions or situation and those incidents. And this morning it fucked up my mental state pretty thoroughly - it wasn't the other way around. It just happened, and then I felt shaken and weakened and regretful about having missed the whole morning. Maybe that's even why I'm so anxious now, because I'm worried it's a physical thing and oh gods please not another round of "let's find a doctor who will actually take this seriously and perhaps even find the cause". That was awful enough the last time around and I didn't even get anything out of it aside from the ability to say "well I also have fibromyalgia". None of the treatments I tried then helped and the one thing that eventually did help, years later, was given to me by a psychiatrist of all people.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what's got me so worried. I feel a little less restless now that I've written it down. I just ... ugh. I don't even know where to start. I could try describing it to my GP in such a way that there'd be a chance of him saying "You're right, that's weird and I'm not sure it's part of your anxiety problem." But then he would have to start referring me to other doctors and oh man. Not that again. I've made so many bad experiences with orthopedists and neurologists. What kind of doctor would it be this time? Cardiologists? Also neurologists?? Something I haven't even heard of???

ugh can everything just go away

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Lin

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