faevii: (appalled arthur)
Goddammit.

My favourite (by which I mean least favourite) thing about those moments when I am totally out of my mind is that I stop caring who sees anything I write. Ha, ha! :|

I went to bed feeling quite proud of myself, though, because I managed to more or less get a grip in the end and recognised that I absolutely needed to sleep even though it was already way too late. I forced myself to concentrate on that, ate something, aired out the bedroom, took my pills and went to bed. Of course I then slept until the evening (which is why I'm still awake now at 7 am), but it was worth it. I'm pretty much back to normal.

As terrifying as that whole night was overall, I believe this marks another breakthrough in my recovery. Not sure I could do it again because I had "help" in the shape of a song that I listened to by accident, but ... this time I averted the crisis (though who knows for how long). It's a start.

(no subject)

Friday, November 2nd, 2012 11:23 am
faevii: (Default)
I did a thing! Book spine poetry. (Sort of.)

HUH

Friday, November 2nd, 2012 04:07 am
faevii: (an actual sentence)
I don't know how this happened, but I appear to be writing a story. Like, actually writing it rather than just scribbling down a beginning in a fit of excitement and then abandoning it forever. In fact, I took one such beginning (which I wrote on my phone at the hospital) and added two more paragraphs today! As well as changing the name of one character and the gender of another - I'm much happier with the two of them now. I think I'm really doing this. Wow.

That it's November has nothing to do with it, except that everyone's NaNoWriMo posts served as a reminder of what was until then only a half-formed plan. I know I'm not capable of writing a whole novel in one month, so I won't even try. The story could turn into a novel one day, though - should I manage to come up with a proper plot for once, I wouldn't be surprised if it got that long. But for now I need to concentrate on getting past the first few scenes ...

SORCERY

Thursday, October 25th, 2012 04:24 pm
faevii: (an actual sentence)
I've had some success with the coffee-filled chocolates. :) Not sure if they're really necessary, but I figure as long as I've got them, I may as well make use of the placebo effect that knowing there's caffeine in my stomach brings with it.

The rest of my current strategy is as follows: 1) Place phone at the other end of the room. 2) Choose an annoying ringtone. 3) Before collapsing back into bed after turning off the alarm, pull up roller blind just far enough for a moderate amount of light to come in, but stop before people can see inside. 4) Prop up pillow against the wall. 5) Instead of fully lying down, assume a half-sitting position.

AND IT WORKS. :O

The light, the position and possibly the caffeine are enough to prevent me from falling asleep again, while the fact that I'm not completely upright prevents the agony that I normally feel during the first few minutes after waking up. I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd realised this years ago! It's such a simple system, but somehow I never hit upon this particular combination before.

Now I only need to stop going to bed so late. XD

perspective

Monday, October 22nd, 2012 08:40 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
It has occured to me that if I really wanted to go to that school I picked out as early as next year, I'd have to start looking for a place to live in Hamburg very soon. Like next month maybe, depending on how easy it is to find something in that area. And now I'm glad that I already decided to wait another year or two because it is painfully obvious that I'm not ready yet. I'm barely holding it together just existing; every day that I don't go back to the hospital is an achievement. I haven't even seriously considered it so far, which is great, but with the way I've been feeling lately ... ah, well, I won't make any dire predictions. The point is, existing is about as much as I can handle at this time.
faevii: (happiness)
After one evening and one full day of extensive testing, I am pleased to report that I absolutely love this thing. I'll have to find something to prop it up against while I'm typing, though (unless I'm in bed, then I can use my legs), because I can already feel my neck starting to tense up after these two sentences. The virtual keyboard is fortunately big enough that I can just use my regular two-to-four-fingers method and be almost as fast as normal.

The thought that Google probably knows absolutely everything about me now makes me cringe a little, but Android 4.0 sure is a great OS. I've been able to find apps for 90% of the things that I usually visit websites for, which makes many of them much easier. Even the one crucial feature that the Tumblr app inexplicably lacks will not deter me. :P

The device is called ODYS NEXT, by the way ... just in case anyone was wondering. I chose it mostly because it was the only affordable option with a 4:3 resolution (800x600). Not regretting that at all; it's great for watching videos! And seven inches really are enough.

If any of you use Android, would you mind telling me what your favourite apps are? :D

OH MY

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012 03:15 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
Two days ago I finally went ahead and ordered a tablet computer. It was a very spontaneous decision triggered by the sensation of huge relief that I felt when I quickly checked the Facebook app on my phone before bed and it was just ... so easy. Loading the actual page in any browser usually takes ages by now and the same applies to several other websites. Defragmenting my harddrive didn't help. Removing all but the three most important add-ons didn't help. Opera is no longer faster than Firefox. Basically I'm hardly ever in the mood for internet browsing anymore, especially not now that I've started using Trillian and can count on it to notify me of new tweets and emails.

I am greatly looking forward to possessing an Android device, for which there will be many more apps than for my phone. Also, it should be able to play YouTube videos and all that other stuff that my computer is too old for. I've even managed to get my WLAN going, though I can't figure out how to secure the connection. :(

internet woes

Saturday, September 29th, 2012 06:52 pm
faevii: (what is this i don't even)
I have this strange and hard-to-define urge to do the digital equivalent of exploring a toy shop - you know, like when you've stumbled upon a big collection of freeware games or tutorials, or when you're looking for browser add-ons? For some reason I badly want to do something like that, but I can't find anything to do it with. How is that even possible?? Surely there must be something I haven't tried yet. @_@

It doesn't help that I kind of feel like the internet is littered with landmines. Whether I'm using Firefox or Opera, sooner or later I will find a page that takes five minutes to load or makes my computer freeze entirely. Let's not even speak of Chrome - I uninstalled it because it was useless. Google has become my enemy, anyway. Literally every other search engine I know loads faster and Gmail is just a nightmare these days! Unrelatedly, so is Twitter. I hate that everyone thinks they need to make their websites more "modern" and then all they do is make them inaccessible to me. Many thanks. :/

oh look, it's me

Thursday, September 27th, 2012 12:06 pm
faevii: (an actual sentence)
I just spent my last €2 on canned soup and yogurt. Theoretically I should get next month's money tomorrow and I've decided to be optimistic about it.

I've got some sort of weird infection that mostly manifests as headaches and tiredness, plus I get dizzy if I go outside. At first I thought it was psychosomatic, but then A said she was going through the same thing and one of us probably caught it from the other. Great.

I did attend the ... didn't I want to start calling it Tuesday Group so that I wouldn't have to describe it everytime? Well, then. I attended Tuesday Group regardless and it was nice, aside from the dizziness.

The rest of the time I don't really know what to do with myself because I'm so tired. I watched a few movies, finished the first season of Sinbad and got caught up with Doctor Who. Then I started rewatching Teen Wolf ... it's pretty much all I can do. :/

(no subject)

Friday, September 21st, 2012 01:24 pm
faevii: (Default)
sorry i seem to have fallen into a hole

i would talk if only i could

concentrate

at all

ugh
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
First things first: I'm back home. It was more of a spontaneous flounce than a planned decision in the end, but I do not regret it. The time to leave had come.

Completely unrelatedly, D has lent me his TV. He doesn't really need it, see, because he doesn't have cable or anything and uses his computer monitor to play video games. It's possible that I'll be allowed to keep it for a pretty long time, so now I suddenly find myself wondering whether I should buy an XBox 360 instead of a tablet PC. You know, presuming that one of these days I'll actually manage to hold onto my money for long enough to buy anything expensive. e_e

The thing is just, he could also lend me a PS2. Then I'd be able to play one game and watch DVDs, which would be a huge improvement already. But on the other hand, the manufacturer of the tablet I've been wanting has recently released a relatively affordable BIGGER one that I want even more, which would be almost as expensive as the XBox, so I'm kinda thinking if I'm going to spend that much money anyway, I might as well add another €50 and get the XBox, enabling me to play SEVEN games PLUS the PS2 one. On the other other hand, my computer sucks so much ...

Naww, I think I'll go for the tablet. Considering the "free" PS2 and all. I could get back into gaming by replaying Star Ocean 3 once or twice, enjoy my ability to watch DVDs, be ecstatic about owning a tablet, then get the XBox later.

YES. GOOD. Now I only need to decide if I want to try living on €100 next month and buy it immediately, add my savings and make it €140, or be sensible and wait until the month after that, setting as much as I can aside for this plan.

... Is living on €100 for a month even hard, though? I forgot how much money a person needs for groceries while I was getting free food at the hospital ...

O hai.

Saturday, August 25th, 2012 03:38 pm
faevii: (an actual sentence)
Sorry for disappearing. Somehow I never got around to writing a post when I went home on the weekends. One time I also tried to update from my phone, but then the battery ran out before I was done and I lost all the text.

I have, however, been reading along silently. :)

Damn, my brain is still stuck in "but I already wrote this once" mode although I hardly remember now how I phrased anything in that unfortunate attempt. I'm afraid there is not much I can say until I get over that.

Part of me is also quite distracted because I finally saw Timo again two days ago. I can't really think. But in terms of therapy, I do seem to be making progress.

(no subject)

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012 11:51 am
faevii: (Default)
Surprisingly, I can already check into the hospital today. I'll be gone for a while, then - unless I get so bored that I start posting from my phone. I'll probably stop by every Saturday again like I used to, though.

(no subject)

Sunday, July 29th, 2012 06:31 pm
faevii: (Default)
I really haven't been feeling well lately ... not in terms of mood because I'm actually happy a lot, but I keep staying awake for ridiculously long periods of time and feeling out of control. I'll call the hospital tomorrow.

a confession

Wednesday, July 25th, 2012 08:49 pm
faevii: (creepy irish ninja cat)
I may have recently started to watch Teen Wolf.

Despite having previously said that I refuse to watch anything with "teen" in the title that was made by MTV.

It ... turned out to be a lot of fun ...

(no subject)

Sunday, June 24th, 2012 03:40 am
faevii: (Default)
OH GODS DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEXT MONTH

MY BIRTHDAY

THAT'S IT I'M DOOMED

#headdesk

Sunday, June 24th, 2012 03:35 am
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
I ... just visited Questionable Content on my phone, which is considerably smaller than 7 inches, and it was practically readable ... >_>

<_<

>_> <_< >_>

and then I may or may not have calculated just how frugally I'd have to live next month if I ordered the thing right at the start of it

(it's totally doable)

((I have lost my mind))

(((where did this obsession even come from I didn't ask for this)))

eurgh

Saturday, June 23rd, 2012 05:47 pm
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
Damn, I hate when I can't get anything done because of anxiety and dizziness. It's an entirely different situation than when I simply can't get anything done, period. The latter might be due to depression or plain old tiredness, which also suck, but at least with those there's a small hope that I'll manage to snap out of them sooner rather than later. And even if it that doesn't happen, eventually I'll have had enough and make myself do one or two things. But right now, for example, I just don't really know what's going on. I put some dishes into the sink to soak and went to the bathroom, and on the way back to the computer I noticed that somehow that small effort had made my heart beat much faster than would have made sense. Now I'm sitting here being confused and nervous with all the things I should be doing looming in the back of my head, unable to put them into a reasonable order and frequently getting distracted by how the room appears to be pulsating. That's not nearly as easy to snap out of. I don't even know how to snap out of it. I have a certain set of actions reserved for temporarily forcing my mind out of the depression/fatigue fog, which sometimes really doesn't help much but at least it exists. For this I have nothing.

logic what logic

Saturday, June 23rd, 2012 04:47 pm
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
I have finally discovered a solid reason why a 7" tablet computer would definitely not be right for me. It is very convincing.

Then why, why, WHY has the temptation to buy one still not weakened?! >.<

(The reason: webcomics. There are several that I read regularly which would be quite hard to decipher on such a small screen. I am very fond of webcomics. This should really have changed my mind ...)

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faevii: (Default)
Lin

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