faevii: (slice of brain)
My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately; I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to describe what's been going on in my head. Most of the time I was too confused by my body's sudden unpredictability in regards to sleep to pay attention to what was happening, anyway. I now know that part of the mess was likely my own fault due to taking my pills only sporadically, leading to either headaches or extreme tiredness depending on whether I took them that day or not, but that can't have been the only problem.

I wish I could sort out which perceived symptom was caused by what. It's probably impossible because everything overlaps and there is rarely just one answer, but I'm so fucking sick of being unable to tell how I should react to feeling sluggish and low on energy, for example. Is it physical fatigue? Do I need to take it easy for a day? Or is it a mental thing? Should I bite the bullet and force myself to do more than I feel like? How am I supposed to know??

What I've recently discovered is that even my actual muscle strength can vary greatly from day to day. Sure, I always knew that exercise was harder after I had slept badly and easier during a high energy phase, but I didn't know that these fluctuations could also happen randomly. Then I had an extremely good day and yet my arms were super weak. :| Also, one time I had no energy whatsoever and only wanted to exercise a tiny bit to relax my shoulders, but to my own surprise I did way more than I had planned, just because it was so easy. It's like, do I get any control over my own freaking life?!

But what troubles me the most is that there are things that I almost always lack the motivation for, and I don't know what this means. I'm talking about enjoyable things here, so it's not a matter of laziness, exactly. However it's too specific to be anything as general as depression, and I can't quite see how my OCD would have such an effect. It's more like my brain's been incorrectly programmed to view these things as harder to do or less fun than they actually are - how do I get around that?!

Okay, this post is made of questions. Have I mentioned that I'm confused?

(Dude. That's way too many tags for one post. What am I doing.)
faevii: (broken spear)
I ... I just can't anymore. The last few days have been nothing but an endless struggle against tiredness. Either I forced myself out of bed early and felt like crap all day or I overslept until noon and also felt like crap all day. Then at night I either went to bed early and couldn't sleep yet (on the days when I'd overslept) or I did sleep but in the next morning I still didn't feel like I'd slept enough. Sometimes I also stayed up a little too late, which meant that by the time I finally got ready for bed, I felt so terrible that the thought of setting an alarm made me want to cry.

I'm pretty sure that this is only a side-effect of my meds rather than an unexpected depressive phase or anything. At the hospital it was less noticeable because I often went to bed extremely early out of boredom or because my roommate wanted to sleep, but it was still a problem. We were woken up at seven every morning and for several weeks I never managed to actually get out of bed until a quarter past eight, when a nurse made the rounds again to remind us that it was time for the first "event" of the day - a sort of quick little ... gathering ... where they informed us of changes in the day's schedule and such. It was quite an accomplishment if I so much as managed to brush my teeth before this! >.<

Near the end I had advanced so far that I could brush my teeth and do my hair, without even needing to hurry. Breakfast was still not an option, but I'd made progress.

Why can't I at least get back to that now? I suppose I'd have to go to bed at 8:45 for it to work, or something. That's ridiculous. I mean, I could also decide that 9 am is an acceptable time to set my alarm to, but then what if I get a doctor's appointment at 7:30? I'd have trouble falling asleep early enough for that because I wouldn't be used to it anymore. And the therapist I am currently trying to ask if she's taking new patients only accepts phone calls between 7 and 8 in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays. This week I already missed both opportunities. I need to get up early ...

ARGH.
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
I just discovered that it pretty much doesn't matter when I leave, I'll have to walk for about ten to fifteen minutes from the bus stop to the hospital because buses don't seem to go that far on Sundays. Argh. Not that I mind walking, but I'm not sure I know the way, and what if there's going to be another thunderstorm?

Well. There's nothing to be done about it now. I'm probably worrying uselessly anyway, finding the way can't be that hard and in case of rain I'll take an umbrella this time ... how likely is it that there will be lightning?? No, I'll be fine. I hope. And unlike yesterday, I won't be carrying a heavy bag full of dirty laundry, either. That turned out to be a bit of a problem when I got stuck halfway home due to a strike and didn't know where to find the bus that was replacing the train I'd meant to take. I basically walked around in circles until everything hurt and I thought I'd never get here. Fortunately it all worked out in the end. Which it should do again. So. Nothing to worry about.

After some googling it seems that I could also wait for half an hour between one bus and the next to avoid walking, but that's not actually better. At least I can use it as a back-up plan if I really get lost, LOL. Just walk back to the stop I got off and wait for the next bus to come along.

I'm filing this under Moments When I Wish I Could Afford A Taxi, yikes.

Ambitions

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010 04:27 pm
faevii: (Default)
Having a totally random moment of "Fuck, lots of people out there who aren't me have things like work experience and an education." And I mean that in the sense of wanting the experience, not feeling inferior or anything. Which is weird because I don't even remember the last time I had a thought like that. I guess I was distracted by all the stuff I learned through the internet? And too busy fighting off other problems to really pay attention to what I might be missing out on, of course.

I love learning. If I hadn't enjoyed going to school so much, I wouldn't have made half the effort I did to stay in it. Even when I realised that I hadn't attended a single chemistry lesson for a month* and the only reason why I wasn't failing everything yet was that the teachers felt sorry for me, I still made an effort. I still dragged myself to school two or three days a week and spent the others sitting at home being miserable because I wanted to go.

Several people I had almost forgotten about added me on Facebook recently. Usually I feel slightly embarrassed when they ask me what I've been up to because it's very hard to answer that without coming across as either trying to garner sympathy or being a total loser.

Today all I feel is envy.

I always wanted to attend a university one day. Never really got around to deciding what exactly I'd like to study, but there were so many things I considered. So much knowledge. I wanted to find out more about anything and everything. I wanted to find cures for diseases and invent things and become a translator or possibly a lawyer. Money was always on the back of my mind, a chronic fear that I wouldn't be able to get a good job without further education, but my main motivation was still curiosity.

... I'm starting to sound like a certain fictional character here. Yikes.

Anyway, the point is that I'm suddenly all jealous of People Who Know Things. Ever since I made the choice to get my own place, I've had this secret plan to spend most of my free time reading books on whichever random subjects that interest me I'll be able to find in the library once I've moved out. And finally teaching myself how to draw properly. It's a bit silly because I feel like I'm once again waiting for some Big Change to happen before I can start doing what I want to, but I really don't have the energy, patience or money to do much right now and I'm reasonably sure that most of that will change.

*And it was one of my favourite subjects, too. For a while we only had chemistry on Wednesdays and during that month my worst days always happened to be Wednesdays. Yes, I'm still bitter about it. Fucking Wednesdays.

Uhh ... right.

Thursday, August 26th, 2010 12:29 pm
faevii: (Default)
The guy whose XBox we'd borrowed finally decided that he wanted it back, so I thought I'd go on a hunt for some old PS2 games that I might be able to acquire for very little money by now. I spent a long time on GameSpot, reading reviews and watching gameplay videos, until I had found three games that looked interesting. Today I looked them up on Amazon, followed by Ebay ... AND THEY WERE ALL FREAKING EXPENSIVE. o_O Am I missing something here? Did I accidentally pick the three most wanted PS2 games ever?! (For the record, they were Tales of Legendia, Tales of the Abyss and Radiata Stories.)

Well, I might be exaggerating a little, but 30-40 euros for a used copy is unusual even for PS3 or 360 games. These are old - and it's not that they're rare, either. Two of them you can still buy new. WTF?

... I foresee boredom in my future.

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faevii: (Default)
Lin

September 2013

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