perspective

Monday, October 22nd, 2012 08:40 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
It has occured to me that if I really wanted to go to that school I picked out as early as next year, I'd have to start looking for a place to live in Hamburg very soon. Like next month maybe, depending on how easy it is to find something in that area. And now I'm glad that I already decided to wait another year or two because it is painfully obvious that I'm not ready yet. I'm barely holding it together just existing; every day that I don't go back to the hospital is an achievement. I haven't even seriously considered it so far, which is great, but with the way I've been feeling lately ... ah, well, I won't make any dire predictions. The point is, existing is about as much as I can handle at this time.

Return of the Lindworm

Thursday, May 31st, 2012 06:11 pm
faevii: (happiness)
That's a silly title, I know. Shh. ;)

Well, I'm finally back! Home for good, barring unexpected relapses and such. It will ... take some getting used to.

I can't say I've achieved much, but I appear to be moving in the right direction. And my meds actually seem to be helping for once, which is a great improvement. I guess the best way of putting it is that while I didn't find exactly what I was looking for, I at least found something, rather than just sitting out the crisis until it was over. The rest can be figured out later.

o hey

Saturday, May 26th, 2012 02:52 pm
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
I think the Cymbalta is doing something, vague as it may be so far. I haven't been experiencing less pain exactly, but I seem to feel less exhausted after activities that would normally knock me out for an hour or two. I mean, I can just sit down for 15 minutes and then start the next thing, or sit down for five minutes and do something small. That's pretty cool. And since I've only been taking it for five or six days, it can't even have gone into full effect yet. Who knows what it's going to be like after two weeks!

I haven't noticed any side-effects, either - the first two days or so I was very tired, but that's stopped now. Oddly enough, the disturbingly realistic dreams I'd been having since I started my other meds have stopped, too ... maybe the Cymbalta is somehow cancelling that out. Or it's coincidence, IDK. You never know with these things.

In other news, I'm sleeping at home tonight. I'll spend the weekend doing laundry (because it's so warm that I keep having to change shirts and ran out early), preparing the place for my return and also preparing for something else, namely the fact that on Monday I will hopefully - finally - install the curtains and stuff that I bought almost a year ago, with help from my mother. I sure hope she doesn't, like, break a leg until then or something. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. >_>

My mood is alternating between happiness and panic today, which is rather irritating. Especially since there's nothing to panic about and it'd make more sense for me to still be sad or angry about ... that thing that went wrong two days ago. (Nope, not elaborating.) But I've never claimed to understand my brain ...
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
On the whole, my first week alone was amazing. The floor in the hall wasn't done yet, there was no light in the kitchen and all I had to cook with was a single pot, but it was great. Thanks to a number of factors such as less allergens in the air, a better mattress and practically no stress whatsoever (to only name a few), I slept better and had much more energy. I could concentrate better and going outside was suddenly not a problem anymore. Showering was easy. I never got bored. BASICALLY IT WAS AWESOME OKAY. :D

My wrists became terribly dry because I wasn't used to doing the dishes by hand and my feet hurt because I wasn't used to not wearing shoes inside, but eventually I adapted. I visited Timo every single day and probably played with him more than when we were still living together. I enjoyed being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I felt like it, and not having to worry about things being Potentially Dirty because I knew what was clean and what wasn't. Since I didn't have much money left after buying a vacuum cleaner and such, I even discovered that €15 could get me through an entire week if I was careful.

Then I suddenly couldn't eat wheat anymore.

...

Yeah. I actually laughed, you know. I don't know why, but my first reaction was this kind of hysterical amusement. Of course that would happen right after I'd finally managed to get the hang of living with lactose intolerance. Of course that would happen while I was basically broke and thought I'd figured out how to survive on €15 a week. WHEN ELSE. GOODBYE, CHEAP BREAD.

While I was still unsure what was going on, there was a day on which I cried for hours and hours, mostly due to the debilitating stomach cramps but also because I was scared. And possibly mourning noodles, while fervently hoping it was something else. It wasn't. When I finally stopped eating anything of the kind, my stomach felt better immediately and the rest of my body within two or three days. That could hardly be a coincidence.

I have since been tested for Celiac Disease (gluten intolerance), but either that's not it or the doctor made a mistake. Like, I don't know, maybe forgetting to tell me that I still needed to be eating the stuff for it to work. I have yet to ask him, since my next appointment is not until two weeks from now because I thought I'd also have my lactose intolerance officially confirmed while I was at it, and something went wrong with that test. >_<

Scraping the money together that I suddenly needed to feed myself for the rest of the month wasn't easy, but fortunately I had help. I also ate a lot of rice, and I was extremely grateful for all the positive effects from moving out that I still felt. Without them I would have been screwed.

(Ironic icon choice is ironic.)
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
You know that feeling when you've got great news that you badly want to tell certain people, but it's not possible right now and you just know that by the time when you finally get the chance, lots of other stuff will have happened and the novelty of the first thing will have worn off, and it just won't be the same as telling them now??

It gets even more annoying when the next big thing that happens is something bad, and while you're still trying to figure out how you're supposed to reveal both at once, the bad thing already becomes old news as well. And so on.

Eventually I just gave up on the idea of summarising anything before I got around to the details. Mind you, the point at which I gave up on it was about three weeks ago. Things continued to happen even after that, so by now I'm mainly confused because there is so much I can't offhandedly refer to yet although it feels like it's been centuries since then.

This is why all I can do is to write down the events of the past two months in a mostly chronological order, as strange as that will probably feel. It's like I'm about to publish a chaptered story about my own life, which ... uhm. LOL.

First came, of course, the move. Not that long, I'm only putting it behind a cut because the bit of babbling up there is long enough on its own. )

Here we go again ...

Sunday, May 1st, 2011 02:34 am
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
Guh. Merlin's beard, I really missed the internet this time around. I wanted to talk to people, I wanted to google things, I ... craved fanfic like the socially deprived little creature that I am. o.O Also, for a while I was sick and could literally not do anything but play Dragon Age II - or solitaire, I suppose, but naturally I chose the more interesting option. One time I actually grew bored of it and spent an hour reading the codex instead because there was still nothing else for me to do. *facepalm* (Note to non-players: The codex is a collection of info and stories inside of the game's menu.)

((And then there were the two days when circumstances prevented me from playing. I shit you not, for some of that time I actualfax sat and stared at the wall.))

Unsurprisingly, my By Now Almost Traditional Offline Log™ got rather long as well. Shortening it until it's fit for posting might take a while, especially since half of it is also about DA2 and I don't want to bore everyone with that. Might dump those bits into the screenshot post I was planning to make if I can manage it.

For the moment, here's the biggest piece of news: MY BEDROOM IS FINISHED. :D So is the kitchen, except for the part where I can't afford cabinets and will have to make do with putting a bookcase there temporarily. All that needs to be done now before I can move in is to install a few more lamps and buy a shower curtain, I think. The living room can be done while I'm already sleeping there, right? Though I'm hoping that won't be necessary, which it won't if I have help and we're fast. So ... exciting times lie ahead!

Now that was weird.

Thursday, April 7th, 2011 08:47 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
My internet is super moody today. Nothing wants to load.

I just had to spend three hours in my flat because someone was supposed to check the fire alarms between 5 and 8 pm and of course they didn't show up until it was nearly 8 already. I got a lot of painting done in that time (a lot for me, that is), but during the last 30 minutes or so I was too exhausted to continue and basically wandered around being bored.

Now that I technically have a bed that I could put together and sleep in, I'm getting really impatient about all this. I wish I could just finish the whole bedroom in one go and move in, whether the rest of the place is done or not. But since one coat of paint isn't enough to cover that terrible orange and I only manage one wall at a time, it'll take me at least three more days. Most likely those will not even be consecutive days.

Still, I'm happy it's starting to look nice! I do have "before" pictures, by the way. I'll make a big picture post whenever everything is done.
faevii: (happiness)
I have more than 50 icons now. More than 50 icons. :O (To those reading via LJ: talking about DW once again, btw.) And only 30 of them are mine! This is completely unprecedented. Never had a paid account before, anywhere. I'm certainly going to be on the lookout for even more icons and things to make icons out of from now on ...

However, I will most likely not be able to go online much during the next few weeks! Because THE FLAT IS MINE. :D I'm still waiting for the contract to be sent to me so I can sign it, but things have definitely been set into motion. I'll need to fix the floors and acquire a bed before I can actually move in, of course. No idea how long the entire process will take, but I imagine I'll be busy a lot in the near future. Once I'm there, I will obviously not have internet yet. Technically I won't even have a computer ... there's something I can hopefully do about that, though. And if that fails, I'm sure Daniel will let me use his from time to time.

I have decided that I want to paint the livingroom and the bedroom while I'm at it. It's mostly because someone seems to have done a really bad job of it before, but quite frankly I also just don't like the colour. Unlike the bathroom (a very nice spring green), the hallway (beige or off-white or somesuch) and the kitchen (don't remember, possibly yellow?), those two rooms are a terribly ugly shade of dark orange. o_O Thing is, now I suddenly need to come up with a colour of my own. I always expected the walls to be white and that I'd just leave them that way ... behold, a new challenge. XD

Books

Friday, December 24th, 2010 12:49 am
faevii: (faithful silliness)
I thought I'd mention that I did start reading The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms at some point, it just unfortunately didn't manage to pull me in immediately and then my concentration issues prevented me from picking it up again. Now I'm kind of saving up my unread books for whenever I move out because I assume I'll be internetless for a week or three then.

However, today I was forced to do some waiting and didn't know how else to occupy myself, so I had a look inside Havemercy. And wow, in that case the being pulled in certainly happened. It was the following little sentence that did it:
Of course, you were hanged either way if another man stood up to accuse you of doing all manner of things you were relatively sure you hadn't.
Relatively sure. :D It's always those little bits that get me. Plot? What's a plot? Give me a protagonist who sounds either witty or adorably naive and I'm hooked. I'm very sorry to say this (and might change my mind later), but the main character of The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms seemed a little bland at first glance. :(

I'll try not to devour Havemercy immediately though. I'm looking forward to it now, but I can wait. Then there will be Nameless (once it finally GETS HERE, ARGH), which I am looking forward to on principle, and after that it'll only be a matter of time until I get around to The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms anyway. I've also been having urges to reread Good Omens lately ... and I might reread The Name of the Wind once more before the sequel comes out, too. FIRST OF MARCH!!

That should keep me occupied. Uh. Though come to think of it ... if I don't have internet, for how long? Five or six days?? XD Especially if I manage to find a comfortable chair ...

Oh HAI

Friday, November 5th, 2010 02:05 pm
faevii: (raised eyebrow)
Sometimes being surrounded by social workers can have unexpected advantages. A just informed me that one of her colleagues has a client who currently lives down the street from us, but is planning to move somewhere else soon. By knowing about this before the flat even goes up for rent, we can make sure that I'm the first person to show an interest in it. She says it'll have to be renovated first, though - I hope that won't take too long. I also hope that A is already sure I can afford it, which I kind of forgot to ask. Oops.

If this works out, I'll be like "LOLOLOL I have moved SO FAR AWAY. I'm like a hundred metres closer to everything useful in this town! Improvement!" XD Good thing my reasons for wanting to move out do not include being sick of the general area.

Bad News

Friday, October 29th, 2010 12:37 pm
faevii: (Default)
Looks like I didn't get the flat after all - it sure took them a long time to work that out. Goodbye, dreams of living right next to the library ... I guess me and that place weren't meant to be.

What do I do now? There haven't been any decent new offers for weeks. I'm seriously considering extending my search to the next bigger town, which says a lot about how desperate I am. Honestly, a year ago I would have insisted that I'd never in a million years go back there.

Of course, if I were to leave anyway, I might as well pick any of the other nearby towns that can be easily reached via public transport from here, as long as I make sure that I have access to all the groceries I need. I'm just not sure if I like that idea. :S

Ambitions

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010 04:27 pm
faevii: (Default)
Having a totally random moment of "Fuck, lots of people out there who aren't me have things like work experience and an education." And I mean that in the sense of wanting the experience, not feeling inferior or anything. Which is weird because I don't even remember the last time I had a thought like that. I guess I was distracted by all the stuff I learned through the internet? And too busy fighting off other problems to really pay attention to what I might be missing out on, of course.

I love learning. If I hadn't enjoyed going to school so much, I wouldn't have made half the effort I did to stay in it. Even when I realised that I hadn't attended a single chemistry lesson for a month* and the only reason why I wasn't failing everything yet was that the teachers felt sorry for me, I still made an effort. I still dragged myself to school two or three days a week and spent the others sitting at home being miserable because I wanted to go.

Several people I had almost forgotten about added me on Facebook recently. Usually I feel slightly embarrassed when they ask me what I've been up to because it's very hard to answer that without coming across as either trying to garner sympathy or being a total loser.

Today all I feel is envy.

I always wanted to attend a university one day. Never really got around to deciding what exactly I'd like to study, but there were so many things I considered. So much knowledge. I wanted to find out more about anything and everything. I wanted to find cures for diseases and invent things and become a translator or possibly a lawyer. Money was always on the back of my mind, a chronic fear that I wouldn't be able to get a good job without further education, but my main motivation was still curiosity.

... I'm starting to sound like a certain fictional character here. Yikes.

Anyway, the point is that I'm suddenly all jealous of People Who Know Things. Ever since I made the choice to get my own place, I've had this secret plan to spend most of my free time reading books on whichever random subjects that interest me I'll be able to find in the library once I've moved out. And finally teaching myself how to draw properly. It's a bit silly because I feel like I'm once again waiting for some Big Change to happen before I can start doing what I want to, but I really don't have the energy, patience or money to do much right now and I'm reasonably sure that most of that will change.

*And it was one of my favourite subjects, too. For a while we only had chemistry on Wednesdays and during that month my worst days always happened to be Wednesdays. Yes, I'm still bitter about it. Fucking Wednesdays.
faevii: (confusion)
The flat looked ... acceptable. Not exactly pretty, but I'm sure I could make it work. Besides, the one I'm living in right now seemed absolutely awesome at first glance and turned out to be more of a nightmare. I'll take ugly-ass dark blue bathroom tiles and a kitchen without cabinets over crappy windows and odd smells any day! At least the kitchen is quite big and the bathroom a decent size.

I'm slightly worried that I might be compromising to much, though. Sixth floor, one room and no kitchen cabinets, when I could easily have two rooms for the same price?? Just because it's big and in a good location? If there was no time pressure, I wouldn't even be considering it. No idea if this is one of those situations where you need to suck it up and make do with what you can get or one of those where you need to resist the temptation of an easy solution and refuse to settle for less than you were expecting. SO CONFUSED.

This is another one of those moments I have on a regular basis, where I'm suddenly very grateful for where I was born. I know that in some other places, being unemployed or unable to work means you can't have a kitchen at all, never mind two rooms. Here? I don't think such a thing as a flat without a proper kitchen exists, at least not in this town. And I'm allowed ~50m² as long as the rent doesn't surpass a certain amount, which is more than okay for one person.

Which is why I'm now sitting here, wondering if I'm being spoiled or if a lack of kitchen cabinets and a bedroom is really reason enough to wait a little longer. :S

Also, sixth floor. What if the lift breaks?! (Note: I used to live in an even smaller town, where I don't think any of the houses were taller than three stories. LOL.)

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Lin

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