faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
I just wrote and then deleted this giant post about how I don't write as much as I'd like to anymore and how Tumblr is partly to blame for that, but then I realised what I was doing and it all sounded slightly too pathetic to be allowed to exist, so now you get this instead.

(It's not really Tumblr's fault. At least the pathetic things going on in my head are a little more complex than that.)

Basically what I wanted to get at is that I could do with some more structure in my life, which is to say any. Schedules and I don't mix very well, but there are other methods - I only have to pick one and try it out. Y'know, at some point in time when I'm significantly less tired than right now. -.-

(I had kind of hoped that I'd be able to metaphorically take some of the structure from the hospital home with me, by simply continuing to do things that I used to do there. It might even have worked if I hadn't concentrated on the sleep aspect too hard, but alas ...)

The trick is to remember that I mean to do this. I've got a strategically placed reminder for help, the rest is all crossed fingers and such.

Posts that are currently trapped in my brain: hopefully coming soon.
faevii: (broken spear)
I ... I just can't anymore. The last few days have been nothing but an endless struggle against tiredness. Either I forced myself out of bed early and felt like crap all day or I overslept until noon and also felt like crap all day. Then at night I either went to bed early and couldn't sleep yet (on the days when I'd overslept) or I did sleep but in the next morning I still didn't feel like I'd slept enough. Sometimes I also stayed up a little too late, which meant that by the time I finally got ready for bed, I felt so terrible that the thought of setting an alarm made me want to cry.

I'm pretty sure that this is only a side-effect of my meds rather than an unexpected depressive phase or anything. At the hospital it was less noticeable because I often went to bed extremely early out of boredom or because my roommate wanted to sleep, but it was still a problem. We were woken up at seven every morning and for several weeks I never managed to actually get out of bed until a quarter past eight, when a nurse made the rounds again to remind us that it was time for the first "event" of the day - a sort of quick little ... gathering ... where they informed us of changes in the day's schedule and such. It was quite an accomplishment if I so much as managed to brush my teeth before this! >.<

Near the end I had advanced so far that I could brush my teeth and do my hair, without even needing to hurry. Breakfast was still not an option, but I'd made progress.

Why can't I at least get back to that now? I suppose I'd have to go to bed at 8:45 for it to work, or something. That's ridiculous. I mean, I could also decide that 9 am is an acceptable time to set my alarm to, but then what if I get a doctor's appointment at 7:30? I'd have trouble falling asleep early enough for that because I wouldn't be used to it anymore. And the therapist I am currently trying to ask if she's taking new patients only accepts phone calls between 7 and 8 in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays. This week I already missed both opportunities. I need to get up early ...

ARGH.

Well!

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011 01:27 pm
faevii: (Default)
Yesterday I was so happy to be back home that I promptly forgot to write about it. I got a reasonable amount of stuff done and even the time I spent sitting in front of the computer was more productive than usual. I went to bed a bit later than planned because I watched one Doctor Who episode too many, so of course I overslept this morning, but I made it to the doctor's office before 11 am anyway so it wasn't that bad. I had to get a prescription for my new meds.

Everything is going well so far and I'm really, really glad to be back. I believe I was gone for seven weeks and that's the longest I've ever been away from home.

idek

Saturday, October 8th, 2011 10:50 pm
faevii: (wtf anthony)
Hello. I have a lot of things to tell you. I do not, currently, remember any of them. >.<; All I can say is that I will likely only return to the hospital for a single night after this weekend. I'm not even going to take a change of clothes with me, that's how determined I am to go home on Monday.

Unrelatedly, I bought shoes today. My mother drove me to a place where there's a large number of shoe shops within a small radius, then we started searching. I hate that process. My feet are weirdly shaped or something, so to find a pair that looks good and fits at the same time is nearly impossible. I tried on quite a number of shoes that I liked the looks of, but the ones that I picked in the end were merely acceptable. I had to choose, though, because my old ones were falling apart. And what's worse is that I don't have any winter boots, either, so I will have to repeat this ordeal relatively soon. >_<

Then I ate an extremely late lunch at my mother's and played two rounds of a card game with her and my sisters before I returned home.

It's been an overall nice, but also exhausting and confusing day. I never managed to do the dishes and now I'm way too tired.

My mood has been wavering between nervous and ecstatic for a few hours, which may or may not be a sign that I'm not actually feeling better. I don't care, though. The hospital turned out to be nothing but a place for me to sit out my crisis until it subsided on its own, so staying would be pointless.

Bed. BED.
faevii: (slice of brain)
What if it's simply a really weird case of OCD and nothing else??

This suspicion has been sneaking up on me ever since I had to describe my problem to someone again on Tuesday and said, "You've got no idea how much effort it took me to put on the black jacket instead of the grey one this morning and how terrible I felt for a few minutes after I'd done it." And I kept smiling embarrassedly because I knew that what I was saying must sound completely ridiculous, so eventually I was asked, "But you experience these thoughts and actions as nonsensical? I mean, you're laughing about them now." At the time I assumed, since I hadn't made the OCD connection yet, that she just wanted to know how serious my symptoms were, so I found it necessary to point out that I'd only been aware of all this for five years although I had already acted the same way for much longer without realising it. But now that I'm reading up on OCD yet again, it seems more likely that she was trying to figure out whether that could be my diagnosis.

I always knew I had obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but it never occured to me before that my "other" symptoms could be part of that. o.O

Food & Decisions

Saturday, October 1st, 2011 05:40 pm
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
As if to make up for the fact that I don't need to pack (much) today, my brain decided to come up with a different problem: I forgot to buy enough food for three days instead of two. >.<; If I want to be back when I said I'd be back, I have to leave in little more than an hour - which means I can't really go food shopping a second time anymore. That alone often takes me an hour. So either I think of a way to make what I've got last three days ... or I could always decide to return late on purpose. But. I don't want to walk through swarms of mosquitoes in the dark. And take my pill too late. And find that my roommate has turned on the light without closing the window first. Being late is stressful! =.=

Well. A can of beans, some cheese, two sausages, half an onion, a tiny rest of lentils ... I could make two more warm meals. Somehow. I'd just have to eat a lot of rice crackers and peanut butter between those. And possibly polenta? I don't have milk, but the instructions say it can also be made with water. A little boring, that ... but I'll live. It's a challenge!

I don't know why my paragraphs all end on an exclamation mark today. Look! This one doesn't. XD

So I'm going to leave soon, but I'll be back tomorrow. I may or may not decide to visit my family tomorrow afternoon, which would require even more unexpected train tickets. IDK. Part of me is thinking, "Be sensible! You're already spending more money on transportation than usual this week, don't do it!", but then there is also that other part that's thinking, "Be sensible! You need to spend more time with your family - in fact you need to spend more time with people in general; what's a little money compared to that?!" See, this is what I mean when I say that I often try to be reasonable but can't figure out which is the reasonable course of action. :|

Either way you'll probably hear from me in the morning.

Hello!

Saturday, October 1st, 2011 01:05 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
This weekend is going to be a little different than usual. Today I'm only here until the evening, then I'll go back to the hospital and tomorrow I'll come back to sleep here. Sounds complicated, but Monday is a holiday and this was the best way to make use of that because I'm not allowed to spend more than one night at home in a row. It's an insurance thing, apparently.

I certainly like the prospect of returning to the hospital without having to pack first, for once. Plus I've got three days to do the laundry, which means it doesn't matter if something takes longer than a day to dry. I should do this more often! Only the two extra train tickets are a bit of a problem.

Now ... I think I'm going to do something very ... brave. Ahem. That is to say, I might just take a shower in spite of not being 100% sure that my towel is 100% clean, and then put on some clothes that might not be completely clean, either. SHOCKING, RIGHT?? -.-

Oh, and I noticed belatedly that I forgot to mention something important last week: [personal profile] chasingthunder, in case you didn't see it on Twitter, I got your postcard!! :D Thank you, it was a very nice surprise.
faevii: (what is this i don't even)
Five and a half weeks, yo. Will I ever get out of there?! For the time being I'm only back for the weekend, as usual, although it's been discussed that I should start going home more often in the near future. From what I gathered, I'll be asked to keep a mood journal during those times then, but I don't quite see how that's supposed to help. What, are they hoping to chance upon a diagnosis that way? From information such as "I'm happy because I just talked to my friend" or "I'm worried that I might miss the train"?? Half the time I don't even know where my mood changes come from, so there will likely be a lot of "SUDDEN GIDDINESS LOL", too.

Speaking of which. I was kinda-sorta depressed for a couple of days at the start of the week, unable to talk myself into doing things other than reading or sleeping. Then on Wednesday that suddenly changed - from one moment to the next I was extraordinarily happy, the only explanation I could think of being that I'd been able to concentrate even on complicated matters pretty well for several hours, which only brings up the question where that came from. Honestly, sometimes I'm as much of a mystery to myself as to the doctors.

Today I am very tired because my sleep was disturbed quite spectacularly; late at night a doctor and a nurse suddenly came in to tell us that they were very sorry but a third patient would have to spend the night in our room, and said patient turned out to be ... well, how do I put this? She didn't seem to know what she was doing; for the first few hours she frequently jumped out of bed just to leave the room and immediately come back in, left the door wide open and lay back down as if nothing had happened. Once she went to the toilet without closing that door, sometimes she turned on the light ... I have no idea how much I slept in the end, but it certainly can't have been enough.

I'm still thinking pretty clearly though, considering the circumstances. I hope that will help me get everything important done before I collapse into bed tonight.

...

Sunday, September 18th, 2011 08:01 pm
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
I think I'm pretty much done packing, but I'm less sure of it than last time and that was the day on which I actually forgot all kinds of things. Oh man. This has got to stop.

I'm also going to be late again, but I don't really care anymore. Unless they're going to tell me that I can't go home next weekend, in which case ... oops. But I did my best.

I've already spent an hour practising what I want to say tomorrow, which turned out to be more difficult than I thought. Of course. Once you get going, more and more things come to mind until you can't decide which version is best ... but one thing is certain: I NEED to say that my current situation is not the cause of the problem. That's the bit I most want to hear their reaction to.

I really hope that this will lead to some progress, even if it's being told that I'm in the wrong place. I've been there for over a month already, something needs to happen sometime soon.

Until then ... see you next week.

Doctors ...

Sunday, September 18th, 2011 04:25 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
I haven't been very happy with my treatment at the hospital lately. While at first I got the impression that I would have at least one longer conversation with my doctor each week, now it sometimes seems like all I can expect is to be asked how I'm doing once or twice. Since he appeared to be so fascinated with my case in the beginning, I'm starting to suspect that this is actually his boss's doing. I don't like that guy.

Whatever the cause, I've been getting more and more frustrated because how I happen to feel on Mondays and Wednesdays is not exactly enough information to draw any conclusions from, right? How are they supposed to come up with a diagnosis like this? Additionally they are also frustrated with me because I often have trouble answering the question (I get nervous when I have to talk to them, but I can't just answer "I'm feeling nervous" every single time), and apparently my job is to spend the rest of the week thinking really hard until I figure out what's wrong by myself ...?

I'm sure there is some kind of misunderstanding going on here, but shouldn't these people be more experienced at preventing those? Shouldn't they be the ones asking me questions until they understand me better, instead of periodically being surprised when I force another piece of interesting information down their throats by way of saying "but" a lot and persistently changing the topic until they listen??

It's almost funny. That is to say, it would be funny if I were better at determining what it is that they need to know. These moments of surprise that I just mentioned are merely the result of so much desperate babbling on my part that I eventually hit on something useful by accident. All of which could be avoided if they asked me the right questions, so ... WTF?!

And they keep concentrating on my current living situation, as if that were to blame for everything. They even suggested that what I'm going through right now, a.k.a. my biggest recurring problem ever, might only be a distraction that my mind had conjured up to avoid the "real" issue at hand. Excuse me?! If you'd let me talk for long enough to get that far, I would have long since informed you that actually WHAT YOU'RE WRITING OFF AS AN UNIMPORTANT DISTRACTION IS THE REASON WHY I'M HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. ARGH.

However, I've had an idea now. I know exactly what I'm going to tell them tomorrow and I won't let them deter me until I'm done speaking. Maybe I'll write it down and practise a little just in case.

Seriously though, why is that necessary??
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
Well hello, I am back for the weekend once again, you all know the deal by now. In other news, my day so far:

- eat a quick breakfast
- finish packing
- get on bus
- wait half an hour in place I can't stand
- get on train
- finally arrive home
- turn on washing machine and let dishes soak
- go shopping for some cheap clothes
- return home
- clean dishes
- put up laundry to dry
- make lunch
- look up bus schedule
- eat lunch VERY QUICKLY
- run to bus stop
- take bus to town where mother & siblings live
- watch youngest sister play the fanfare in marching band
- spontaneously accompany mum and other sister to someone's wedding*
- return to their home with them
- spend an hour talking to them in their garden
- be driven to train station by mum
- take train back home
- turn on washing machine a second time
- warm up leftovers from lunch and eat

... I'M NOT DONE YET. o.O

Next up is food shopping - in combination with a walk, perhaps even some running or inline-skating? I don't think you're allowed to enter supermarkets with skates on, so maybe not that. Definitely a walk though, and lately I have taken to spontaneously breaking into a run during those. Don't even ask.

Afterwards the washing machine should be done again, so there'll be yet more to do ...

Basically I've been hyperactive for three or four days, and apparently this is what happens when you unleash me upon a weekend in that state. My brain is still trying to catch up with what I was doing six hours ago. Okay then. I'll tell you more later ... or tomorrow, if I don't get a chance before either the meds or the physical exertion make me too tired. Heh.

*Or is it only a wedding when the church is involved? Do you say they eloped? Either way it was a surprisingly interesting experience.
faevii: (slice of brain)
I spent the afternoon with Daniel, talking and listening to music. It was nice ... really nice. I love that I don't have to explain my problems to him anymore because he already knows what I mean when I say things like, "You know, that thing that always happens when I'm surrounded by new people." He knows almost everything. Sometimes I think we're much better off being friends instead of a couple.

Now I'm in the process of packing and it's going better than last time. I think. Unless I'm just unaware of the fact that I'm forgetting something important. I still have a lot of trouble trying to be a normal person during weekends; I'm afraid the only reason why I keep surviving them is that weekends are so short. >.<

It's really weird. Whenever I need to plan something, be it grocery shopping or packing or any random chore, my brain kind of freezes like an overburdened computer. There must be a fear of some kind hidden behind that, but of what? Thankfully my doctor's vacation is over now and tomorrow I get to talk to him again. I need to figure this out.

In any case I'll be gone soon, whether I catch the right train this time or not. See you next week, unless you're on Twitter, in which case you'll hear from me often enough due to how bored I always get. :P

Uh.

Saturday, September 10th, 2011 04:01 pm
faevii: (broken spear)
I keep thinking that I must be making a really weird impression on my newest readers. Sorry about that. Obviously I'm not always like this, or else I wouldn't have checked into a hospital because of it. Ahem. I believe that under normal circumstances, at the very least, I am a much better organised weird person. ;)

Seriously though, I hadn't even finished saying everything that I wanted to say about my previous two months without internet and now I'm already more or less gone again. I still haven't reorganised my tags since that time when I forgot what half of them meant and stopped tagging, I keep rambling about things that spontaneously pop into my head instead of things I had planned to tell you ... the lack of organisation is starting to annoy me.

That, and the oh-gods-they're-going-to-back-away-slowly-and-run-if-I-mention-this moments. >_<

Stopping By #3

Saturday, September 10th, 2011 12:41 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
I'm home for the weekend again. Meanwhile the weather has spontaneously decided that it is now autumn, which I strongly disapprove of because I don't have enough warm clothes yet. Yikes. I really could have used a little warning. Also, I've been losing weight for unknown reasons and neither know if that's still happening nor if my medication will reverse the process, so basically if I buy any clothes now, there's a chance that only two weeks later they might be either too big or too small. How am I supposed to handle this, keep freezing until I see an obvious trend?!

Well. If there's anything you can count on, it's that I will always worry about clothes for one reason or another. XD

Last week I forgot to mention that I had downloaded the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album, I'm With You, and that I like it more than I expected I would. I'm definitely going to buy the physical CD sooner or later, but right now I'm not entirely sure how much money I do or do not have because Mrs D has hopefully been paying some things in my stead. Now I'm trying to get my hands on a download of the new Kasabian album as well, but I'm sad that I won't be able to listen to it "properly" because my current headphones aren't very good. :(

Unless ... I was planning to visit Daniel tomorrow, in part to use his stereo to listen to my favourites from I'm With You out loud for a change (and to see what he thinks of them). He doesn't like Kasabian much, but maaaybe ... if I ask nicely ...? It can't be much longer than half an hour, right?

Apparently when I don't have the option to watch tv shows, my entire life starts to revolve around music. ;)

Bye

Sunday, September 4th, 2011 07:19 pm
faevii: (wtf anthony)
I'm leaving in 15 minutes, which means I'm going to be 40 minutes late. Why? I couldn't concentrate on packing, so it took me ages. I'm also pretty sure that I forgot several important things I'd meant to do while I was here ... I definitely didn't write another post about my time at the hospital. Gah. So much for totally being up to spending the weekend at home. I still hope I can come back next week, though.

Aside from the fact that I once again got some laundry done, this has felt like a pointless visit. I also wanted to hang out with Daniel a bit, but then he told me he had a cold and didn't want me to catch it. What's up with all this terrible timing?

Until next time, then. Which will hopefully be better.

A Mystery

Sunday, September 4th, 2011 11:22 am
faevii: (what is this i don't even)
Just like last time, I slept terribly. This time there is a perfectly non-psychological explanation though: my bed creaks. And I don't mean when I move, I mean it creaks on its own. No idea why. It's not the first time that this happened, either - I remember the first time well because it took me a while to identify the source of the sound. I thought it might be coming from behind the wall or below the floor until I tested the bed theory by moving around in it to make it creak, and it sounded exactly the same.

So my bed creaks for no good reason. I don't even have to be in it, by the way. It just merrily continues creaking no matter where I am, at almost regular intervals. But only at night, that's the thing!! It has stopped by now. Maybe "creaking" isn't exactly the right word - it's more of a short crack, but "my bed cracks" sounds mildly alarming. LOL.

Maybe it's a humidity thing? That during the day the room gets a little damp because I usually let my laundry dry in there and the window is often open (it's rather humid outside at the moment)? Then at night I carry the clotheshorse into the living room, let some more air in and close the window. So maybe the bed starts to dry then and that causes the sound? I don't know, man.

I don't really have another place to let the laundry dry, though. The living room gets awfully cramped when I carry it in here, hence why I only do it before I go to bed. Of course, that could be solved by rearranging some things and making smarter piles (I still don't have enough storage options to put everything away), but I don't want to sit in a damp room all day, either! And what if this is not even the correct explanation?

My problems sometimes, guys. *shakes head*
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
Considering that I'm only going to be home until tomorrow evening, I just bought quite a huge load of stuff. Well. Part of it was simply that I happened to need all kinds of things at once, and then I found this tiny food processor that I could actually afford, ALDI had pretty wrapping paper and I thought it would be nice if I owned a hair dryer (a really cheap one, travel-sized) ... Soon enough my trolley was full and in the other hand I was carrying a full bag and a pack of toilet paper.

Fortunately I don't need to worry about money much this month because I won't be present for most of it, which should drastically reduce the amount of food I'll need to buy. I thought I'd have to worry anyway, what with those weird lottery/raffle thingies that I accidentally signed up for, but that's one of the things that Mrs D is handling now. She says it's best to simply cancel all of it and that this should not be difficult to do. Okay. Good. I would have liked to win something, of course, but ... it's not a good time for taking risks, really.

The weather is so nice today, I keep thinking I should use the chance to take a walk ... but I'm still exhausted from carrying everything home, urgh.

Stopping By #2

Saturday, September 3rd, 2011 11:47 am
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
Another weekend, another night at home. Yay! I think this one's going to be more fun because I don't really get nervous/anxious/restless anymore, I'm not quite as tired as last time and I have money again. My concentration has not improved much, though.

AAAAAHHH!! Sudden crane fly alarm! I HATE THESE THINGS SO MUCH UGHUGHUGH. Don't tell me they're harmless, I know that ... I just really don't want one to fly in my face and they're big enough that it seems likely no matter where they currently are. kjashdjkhgkhf

Relatively certain now that I got it with the vacuum cleaner, but it happened so fast that I'm not sure it actually went in. NOTE TO SELF: PUT UP THE REMAINING MOSQUITO NETS ALREADY.

Ahem. Where was I?

So ... another reason why I've been looking forward to this day is that with every time I'm here, I get to drop off some clothes (or other things) that Daniel brought me unnecessarily and to wash some of the rest, so my wardrobe at the hospital is gradually becoming more and more organised. Which is good because I need a system of some kind to ensure that I don't run out of clothes before I get to do laundry again.

In other news, I've had a chat with Mrs D and she is hopefully going to sort out a bunch of things I can't do by myself right now. Finally.
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
I just discovered that it pretty much doesn't matter when I leave, I'll have to walk for about ten to fifteen minutes from the bus stop to the hospital because buses don't seem to go that far on Sundays. Argh. Not that I mind walking, but I'm not sure I know the way, and what if there's going to be another thunderstorm?

Well. There's nothing to be done about it now. I'm probably worrying uselessly anyway, finding the way can't be that hard and in case of rain I'll take an umbrella this time ... how likely is it that there will be lightning?? No, I'll be fine. I hope. And unlike yesterday, I won't be carrying a heavy bag full of dirty laundry, either. That turned out to be a bit of a problem when I got stuck halfway home due to a strike and didn't know where to find the bus that was replacing the train I'd meant to take. I basically walked around in circles until everything hurt and I thought I'd never get here. Fortunately it all worked out in the end. Which it should do again. So. Nothing to worry about.

After some googling it seems that I could also wait for half an hour between one bus and the next to avoid walking, but that's not actually better. At least I can use it as a back-up plan if I really get lost, LOL. Just walk back to the stop I got off and wait for the next bus to come along.

I'm filing this under Moments When I Wish I Could Afford A Taxi, yikes.

Hospital, Part 2

Sunday, August 28th, 2011 09:24 am
faevii: (broken spear)
Ugh. I thought I was going to sleep so much better here at home, but instead the exact opposite happened. I'm guessing that's supposed to tell me something? Like maybe that this being alone thing bothers me after all or even scares me ... if only I weren't so bad with feelings. Have I mentioned that the doctor compared me to Spock? He seriously did. Another reason to start watching Star Trek ...

Apropos of nothing, I have been reading The Three Musketeers - in short bursts, of course, and I can't believe I'm not further along yet. The hospital has this small library for patients, which is basically a tiny, narrow room filled with way too many books for its size, so it's a good thing that it's usually only visited by one person at a time because more would make it crowded. XD (It also doesn't open more often than twice a week for a small number of hours.) I went in, took half a minute to find the adventure and fantasy sections, grabbed two books and checked them out. The nurse who was playing librarian then was quite surprised by my speed, but it all made sense - I'd been meaning to reread The Three Musketeers anyway and there it was, right before my eyes; then I discovered a Wolfgang Hohlbein book I didn't know yet. One quick look at the summary and yup, decision made.

The last time I read The Three Musketeers, I must have been around ten years old, so now it's almost new to me again ...

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