Rah rah rah.

Saturday, October 9th, 2010 03:19 pm
faevii: (eff yoo)
I just had a bit of an argument with Daniel while his father was watching Timo in the next room. I hate that I felt like I had to speak quietly or else he might have come in and defended Daniel's position. I hate that whenever something bad happens while anyone is here, I have to avoid appearing upset because I know that if they asked me what was wrong, I wouldn't be able to tell them the truth.

Sure, I have done it before. When I told Daniel's mother that I was angry with her son for being slightly racist at times, she launched into a long, useless rant about how clearly not all immigrants are bad, which he already agrees with. Way to miss the point! And yet, that sort of thing is the most harmless reaction I can feasibly hope for. With another person, about another topic? I don't even want to imagine what might happen.

If you complain about racism in public, most people will probably pretend to agree with you even if they don't. "Everyone knows" that racism is bad, so disagreeing would get you labelled a bad person, and nobody wants that, right? But the same doesn't necessarily apply to all other -isms and -phobias yet, and one person visiting another in his private home is not even that public a situation! If that silly ex-girlfriend who just hasn't managed to move out yet is the only person who will end up with an unfavourable opinion of you, so what?

There is the subtle racism. There's homophobia and transphobia. Internalised or unconscious ableism. Outdated notions of how to raise children. I'd mention sexism and sizeism as well if the thought didn't make me want to LOL out of a sense of sheer futility. I call out all of these in private, if I can reasonably assume that the person I'm talking to likes me enough to listen and is worth the effort - but if someone's around who is more likely to make fun of me for it than to pay any actual attention to what I'm saying? I'm not that strong. I'm almost constantly either in pain, sleep-deprived or both. That would be bad enough in itself even if I did not have to deal with Daniel's fail all the time, but I do and thus the mere presence of yet another fail-y person makes me want to run.

Never mind that most of them already think I'm ridiculous because I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke and insist that my allergies are real. The nerve!

Strange Luck

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010 10:08 pm
faevii: (faithful silliness)
Daniel just befriended the guy who came to fix a malfunctioning part of our computer. Can I please have friends delivered to my doorstep like that, too?? He didn't even have to leave the house!

Observation #32759

Sunday, June 13th, 2010 10:54 pm
faevii: (slice of brain)
I recently realised why I love spending time around small children so much - well, not too many at once, but that's beside the point. It's because I can easily let go in their company. Act without thinking. There's nothing to be afraid of; a toddler won't laugh if you do something weird - not in a bad way, at least. In fact it's not unlikely that the kid will think you're the funniest person in the world.

Back when I was still living with my mother and my siblings, I didn't participate in the things that they did very often, didn't join them on their bike rides or whatever they got up to, but it was not because I didn't like doing those things. I was just tired and sick and preoccupied. When I did feel like coming along, I had lots of fun and secretly pretended that I wasn't ten years older than the others.

Not much has changed, really. I'm the type of person who will occasionally catch herself skipping into the kitchen to get a glass of water instead of walking, for no particular reason. Yes, I do that even now. It just happens! Daniel thinks I'm insane, but I don't mind him. And Timo doesn't care. That's the thing. When I'm alone with Timo, which isn't possible half as often as I'd like, I sing and dance and hop around and do all kinds of things that I would otherwise find embarrassing.

When people persuade me to sing in front of them, my voice is tiny. When I sing to Timo, I am suddenly capable of being exactly as loud as I would be on my own in a sound-proof room. When people ask me to dance, I say that I can't because I have no idea how you're supposed to do it. When Timo and I listen to music together, I start dancing automatically without thinking about it at all.

And that's why I don't like cricket enjoy spending time with small children.

I'm getting better with the grown-ups, mind you. In fact I think this realisation will make it a little easier. Growing up is overrated.


faevii: (Default)

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