HUH

Friday, November 2nd, 2012 04:07 am
faevii: (an actual sentence)
I don't know how this happened, but I appear to be writing a story. Like, actually writing it rather than just scribbling down a beginning in a fit of excitement and then abandoning it forever. In fact, I took one such beginning (which I wrote on my phone at the hospital) and added two more paragraphs today! As well as changing the name of one character and the gender of another - I'm much happier with the two of them now. I think I'm really doing this. Wow.

That it's November has nothing to do with it, except that everyone's NaNoWriMo posts served as a reminder of what was until then only a half-formed plan. I know I'm not capable of writing a whole novel in one month, so I won't even try. The story could turn into a novel one day, though - should I manage to come up with a proper plot for once, I wouldn't be surprised if it got that long. But for now I need to concentrate on getting past the first few scenes ...

[???]

Saturday, April 21st, 2012 06:17 pm
faevii: (an actual sentence)
When did I start locking all posts, anyway? It wasn't on purpose, I just don't really see the point in making them public anymore. I would if I wrote a particularly funny one or something, but that hasn't happened in a while.

... I'll leave this one public as an explanation, then. If anyone even cares.

Somehow I acquired a certain indifference to the approval or attention of strangers (and semi-strangers) while I began to think of some people I recently met as my friends. (Well, semi-friends. -_-) I was suddenly so close to them that it gave me a whole new perspective on my previous attempts at social interaction. I realised for the millionth time that only those who are making an actual effort to get to know you really matter, except this time it finally stuck. I guess I used to be too lonely to be able to give anyone up. And I was putting as many of my thoughts out there as possible in the faint hope that somebody would speak up and say, "Me too." Which happened, like, once in seven years, so I wouldn't exactly call it an effective method.

So I stopped caring. And it was a good thing, but now I'm already feeling lonely again and I still can't bring myself to care. :| At this point I'm really only writing for myself, to untangle my thoughts and keep a record of my life, except I'm not even very good at that anymore. Talking to therapists and nurses lessens the urge to do the former in writing and not caring what people think lessens the urge to do the latter in public. Of course it's not entirely gone (I MUST TALK ABOUT MYSELF >_>), but ... locked tweets tend to suffice now, I guess. I also take short, hand-written notes when I don't forget.

I don't like not having a detailed journal, but that's a problem I've been struggling with since I was 12 ... and kind of a different matter than what this post was meant to be about.

Basically, this journal is now 99% locked and sporadically public. I never thought I'd say that, I never thought I'd lock my Twitter account, I never thought having an audience would stop motivating me. This is so strange. :S

weird post is weird

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012 09:57 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
There used to be a time when I cared a lot about all kinds of things. I would sit at home being frustrated that I couldn't go out and join protests, that I couldn't even write an inspiring blog about some issue or other. I wanted to make a difference.

I don't know what has changed since then, but these days I barely bat an eyelash anymore when the latest concerning news reach me. I just sort of shrug and think, "Yeah, that's obviously bad. That should obviously stop. I don't have the patience to even consider the idea that some people might not agree with this assessment."

You know, that SOPA/PIPA thing or what it's called? I never bothered to research it further once I'd got the gist of it via Tumblr. I'm so fed up with all the crap that's happening, I don't even want to know the details anymore. It's too much and it never ends. I am powerless, so why waste time being frustrated??

Occasionally something will be bad enough to shock me out of my apathy for a moment, but seeing everyone else freak out tends to negate that because oh good, people are aware, people are opposing this; all will be well. I realise that this would be a terrible attitude to have if it were in fact an attitude, but haha lol oh gods my official attitude consists of "Could I please have a functioning brain and body so that I may join the fight one day?" The rest is involuntary.

Although I must admit that part of it is also, uhm ... arrogance. I completely forgot that I could be arrogant until I had to watch Daniel use a computer once again after many months of being spared that fate, and I promptly turned into some kind of sarcastic monster, whoops. (I'm talking, like, McKay level sarcasm here. I thought that was one of the few things I fortunately didn't have in common with that character, but lol nope.) I guess that side of me doesn't get a chance to come out often anymore, what with my currently severely limited abilities. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that in spite of being a very nice person who would never look down on anybody for being less intelligent or having a learning disability etc., especially now that I've been in that position myself a little too often, I can get extremely impatient with People Not Getting Things under certain particular circumstances (must work on suppressing the impulse to voice that though, FFS), and apparently those circumstances now include the world not having reached a state of utopia yet??? Like, goddammit I'm tired of waiting for everyone to catch on to how things should be done and why isn't everything perfect already?????

... Guys, I think I have issues.
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
Didn't I want to go to bed? Eh. I just remembered something and the washing machine isn't done yet anyway, so whatever. :P

When I went grocery shopping today, I saw a person whose gender remained a mystery to me the entire time. It struck me how rarely that happens in such a small town, and besides it was likely not even an intended effect. I don't think I have ever seen an openly gay couple in any of the small towns I've lived in over the course of my life, either. There are just not enough of us for any kind of LGBT~ community to form in places that only have around nine thousand inhabitants total, or even twenty thousand. It's frustrating.

How often have I been given the same, friendly advice that if I'm feeling lonely, I should visit this or that place to meet some new people? And I want to, but I can't get over how unlikely it is that anyone there will even have heard of some of the things that I identify as. (Plus I am also mentally ill and have never had a job - I might as well inhabitate a different universe as the majority of people that I meet. Especially that last fact takes away quite a number of potential topics to talk about.)

For a few days right at the start of my hospital stay, there was a lesbian there and the others seemed to accept her just fine. Seeing that made me feel a little better, but it wasn't like I could relate to her much, either. By the by, I've noticed that as far as I remember, nobody has ever assumed me to be a lesbian in spite of my short hair and the lack of make-up etc., which is curious considering how often people normally tend to jump to that sort of conclusion. I'm beginning to suspect that I actually come across as asexual, or possibly just so strange that it overshadows everything else. IDK. Or maybe they think it's all part of my perceived "shyness" (which I wouldn't personally call that but I'm too tired to come up with a better word right now).

The point is (ahaha, not that again ... *quickly shuts up inner drunk Crowley*), I spend a lot of time thinking about moving to a city. Or rather Hamburg, because it's the closest one and I've got no reason to move away farther than necessary. Recently I even overheard Tommy remark, to a girl who appeared to be unhappy with her living situation, that she should move to Hamburg because the "athmosphere" (or some similar word) there was so much better or more relaxed or something, which immediately brought back all of my silly ideas of the great big city as a magical wonderland. And Daniel told me that he discovered this super cool place somewhere in Hamburg that is kind of a bar/restaurant/café hybrid, where all the regulars appeared to be awesome people and that I totally wanted to visit after he'd finished his tale.

But ... but I don't like cities. They're loud, and there's movement everywhere you look and so many lights and tall buildings and ... I just find such places exhausting, alright? =_=; worse than furniture stores

My mother calls herself a Hamburgian although she doesn't live there anymore. I find her identification with the city fascinating; it makes me want to experience that feeling myself.

I don't know. This is all very odd. I can't stop thinking about it because it keeps coming up on its own. I guess the best I can do is to start spending time there occasionally to see how it affects me. :S

(Washing machine definitely done now. Why did this get so long?!)

"Oh my!"

Saturday, September 10th, 2011 05:30 pm
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
Can you scream quietly? ... I just said "Aaaaahh!" out loud, but not that loudly. So what kind of sound was that? ..... NEVER MIND.

....... Ahaha, now I've reminded myself of Star Ocean: The Last Hope. "It sounded like someone said, 'Aaaaahh!' - was it a scream?" LMAO. That was so not on purpose.

Goodness, I miss that game. I MISS HAVING AN XBOX.

So ... this was meant to be a serious post. Then I got distracted.

asdfghjkl;

Saturday, July 23rd, 2011 08:43 pm
faevii: (wtf anthony)
So, I saw Timo yesterday. Which was awesome but also sad, and I've got pictures, but I can't really formulate proper sentences today so that will have to wait.

I don't know what's going on. I think I might be allergic to eggs now. The idea makes me want to laugh hysterically again so I try not to think about it. At least it's easy to avoid eggs if you already can't eat any fast food ...

Although, funny thing is, I just realised that my fridge has a tiny little freezer compartment after all. How could I have gone two and a half months without noticing that, you ask? Well, it didn't look like one and when I stuck my hand in, it didn't feel any colder than the rest of the thing. So I was like "WTF is this for" for a while and then forgot about it. Except yesterday I looked into it again on a whim and THERE WAS FROST. LOL. So I bought myself some fries. Yay fries.

Brain. Not. Working.
faevii: (slice of brain)
For several days now, I have been feeling oddly stuffed yet hungry at the same time almost constantly. It makes deciding whether and what to eat rather difficult, which is not something I want to deal with while I do have the energy to prepare meals for a change. >:( Since I remember pretty exactly how I used to eat while everything was fine, I'm kind of forcing myself to do that again today. The same foods, the same amounts, the same intervals between meals ... only dictated by memory instead of it being instinctive. I don't know, I thought it might help. So far the strange feeling has persisted, but at least I know I'm reasonably well-fed.

When I moved here and found that eating was suddenly not a problem anymore, it only took me two or three days to fall into a routine. I was surprised to discover that I only needed a single serving of whatever I was eating to be satisfied now, and that I didn't get hungry again until three or more hours later. Three whole hours during which I could take my mind off food completely! It was like an unexpected holiday each time. And only one serving! I could manage that much even on my worst days - as in, a single sandwich is not that hard to make, or eat for that matter. It used to be that I ate two and then gave up, still hungry.

All of this probably sounds pretty strange to people who haven't experienced it. *shrugs*
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
Sometimes I think that I'd be much better at Getting Stuff Done if I had a kitchen timer. You might be wondering why I don't, then - and really, I've been meaning to buy one for ages, but I got stuck waiting for That Day When We Happen To Have Some Money Left Over. Granted, kitchen timers are not exactly expensive ... it just seems silly to ask for one when every single time that we make a shopping list, I talk Daniel out of at least one thing that he wants. u_u

Well, soon I'll have to buy a lot of stuff for my new flat, anyway.

The thing about kitchen timers is, they're so persuasive. A mobile alarm, in addition to being harder to set up because my phone doesn't have a countdown feature, is like a gentle nudge to remind me that my ten minutes are up and I should probably consider abandoning my current activity sometime in the near future. The sound of a kitchen timer, on the other hand? Hmm, how do I explain ...

Basically, this is what I hear when the thing goes off:
HEY THERE LAZY FUCKER DO YOU HEAR ME
YOUR TIME'S UP AND I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT TWICE
THAT "IT'S ONLY BEEN 27 SECONDS SINCE THE ALARM" BULLSHIT WON'T WORK ON ME
I'M NOT A CLOCK SO I DON'T EVEN DISPLAY THE TIME
IF YOU'RE NOT MOVING YET ONCE I'VE STOPPED YELLING AT YOU, YOU'RE LATE - PERIOD
BESIDES ALL OF YOUR NEIGHBOURS CAN HEAR ME
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING NOW
THEY MAY NOT BE ABLE TO CHECK WHETHER YOU ARE BUT YOU'D STILL FEEL GUILTY IF YOU WEREN'T
I'VE STARTLED YOU OUT OF WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING BEFORE ANYWAY
TAKING THE TIME TO GET BACK INTO IT WOULD JUST BE SILLY AT THIS POINT
AND DON'T PRETEND YOU WEREN'T "DONE" YET
YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING, I SAW YOU GLANCING AT ME A MINUTE AGO

...

I INTIMIDATE YOU WITH MY SILENCE
THE SILENCE IS JUDGING YOU
o.O

And that, my friends, is why I need to get my head checked don't find anything else quite as effective as kitchen timers.
faevii: (slice of brain)
I just remembered something that I've been meaning to write about for weeks. There is this thing I like to say that people often don't get: "I kind of put fruits and vegetables in the same category as sweets - I only eat them for the taste, pretty much, and not because I expect them to make me less hungry." A common reaction to this statement is to stare at me as if I'd just grown another head and ask, "Uhhh ... but what about vitamins?!"

Sadly, the last time this happened, I got confused and couldn't think of a good reply. Which is a shame because I have one. :)

Sure, fruits and vegetables contain vitamins. Duh. So do other foods - almost everything that you can eat aside from pure white sugar is bound to contain something other than just fat, protein and/or carbs. What I tend to forget is that most people aren't fully aware of the fact that this is why we like them. Do you have orange juice around? I can almost promise you that if you were to smell it now and didn't feel like drinking any, it would mean that you've already consumed enough vitamin C today (or there's enough left in your body from yesterday).

Normally this works with macronutrients, too. In my case it does. If you place a bowl of sweets in front of me and I've already had enough sugar for the day and/or am not hungry at the moment, I won't be at all tempted to eat them. I mean, ewww. D: Unfortunately the same isn't true for everyone, thanks to upbringing, habits, diets etc. - it took a while for my instincts to return, too.

So when I say that I eat fruits and vegetables for their taste, I am only putting them in opposition to things like bread or meat that I mostly eat to reduce hunger. I am operating under the assumption that - unless a newly acquired allergy or food intolerance is currently screwing with me, ahem* - I do not need to consciously remind myself to eat specific nutrients because if left alone, I will. What I am saying is that most fruits and vegetables are just not filling ... but freaking tasty. :D

*I haven't made as much progress as I'd like. Most days I still end up going "BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT" at some point. Oddly enough, fat is more of a problem than protein - I've discovered lentils. Heh.

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