faevii: (an actual sentence)
I just did the thing again. You know, the thing where I spend an hour sitting on my bed instead of getting up and then don't feel like turning on the computer? Yeah, apparently that is in fact a thing now.

This time it didn't last quite as long, but I think that was only because I got excited about writing this. LOL.

I wish I could take a hot shower right now; it's still atrociously cold. However, unfortunately I would have to vacuum the bathroom floor first, which currently looks very uninviting. And being loud between noon and 3 pm is considered rude! >.<; Besides, vacuuming would make the place smell and then I'd have to open the windows again and it'd be even colder for a while. Nooooooo. (My problems are tragic, I know. Except yesterday they actually kind of were. Oh well.)

It's a little ironic that I eventually did manage to clean at least a moderate number of dishes last night, and then I went to bed without using them. I'll just ... be grateful for the headstart. A few more are already soaking in the sink now, so I'm getting the impression that today will be a less frustrating day.

I need to visit the doctor's office to get a referral, though. Eww. (It's for that hospital I mentioned a while back; I have an appointment there on Thursday.)

btw

Sunday, January 29th, 2012 07:31 pm
faevii: (appalled arthur)
Things I no longer read:

- my "just reading" filter on DW
- which includes [personal profile] copperbadge, I might add
- Patrick Rothfuss's blog
- Sinfest

This is ridiculous. In all cases, it's for the same reason: I either cannot find the place where I left off or I haven't even tried yet because it seems like so much work. Especially Sinfest, OMFG. I think it's been at least a year. You know, after the whole thing with Daniel and the phone bill ...? It took me several months to realise that Google Reader automatically marks old items as read after a while, and by then it was too late. >:(

Why can't I at least read PR's blog without being up to date?? Silly brain, making everything unnecessarily complicated.

ETA: This actually gave me an idea. I know approximately when the phone bill thing happened, so I decided to check the Sinfest archives of that time - and voila, I think I've found one that looks unfamiliar. :D Should I lose interest halfway through, I can always just add that page to Read It Later. Problem solved! Well, one out of three ...

ghjkdhgfadsgf

Sunday, January 29th, 2012 05:51 pm
faevii: (broken spear)
It really needs to stop being so freaking cold ... because one of these days I am going to have to eat a warm meal again. I can't do that if the cold makes me hurt, the pain makes me unable to do the dishes and the lack of clean dishes makes me have to survive on bread. :|

Additionally, I have no energy today. I slept normally for a change, which is somehow always bad. The dishes may be out of the question due to pain, but if I weren't so tired, I could at least have showered by now. Then again, at this point I'm not even sure anymore if I would have been like this anyway or if the lack of food is merely getting to me.

Honestly, I don't know what to do. :S I can only hope that I'll be unable to sleep tonight, because what usually happens next is that I end up doing useful things at three in the morning. So I suppose I can expect some food around 4 am?? Uh.

On the other hand, part of me is also hoping that I'll get tired early again, hopefully tired enough to fall asleep inspite of my head being itchy. Except then I'll wake up to this entire mess still being the case. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. Somebody come and help me. :(
faevii: (wtf anthony)
Man, it's so odd when I get a letter saying that some kind of thing I'm supposed to have applied for was approved and it's the first time I hear of it because Mrs D was the one who did that. Very, very odd. :S

... So that just happened, but it's not what I came here to write about.

I've had a rather unusual morning. When I woke up, I was happy to discover that it was still quite early. But instead of getting out of bed, I only sat up and wrapped my blanket around my shoulders. I continued to sit there that way for a full hour, just thinking ... or rather daydreaming, I suppose. No idea why. And on most days the first thing I do upon leaving the bedroom is to turn on the computer because it takes so freaking long to start up, but this time I didn't do that, either.

I spent the morning making myself useful in various ways, doing both things that are pretty standard for Good Days and things that I don't necessarily do even then. Not that there was any kind of system to it, mind you ... I sure didn't do the most important stuff first or anything as sensible as that. :P

Finally I showered and went grocery shopping. It was rather urgent; my breakfast had been instant soup because I had no bread left. By the way, instant soup that doesn't require a clean pot since you can make it right there in your bowl/mug? GENIUS. Someone should have told me that this existed - I only discovered it because it was on sale the last time I wandered around the supermarket looking for new food options. A lot of interesting things were on sale that day, it was quite odd.

More unusual stuff: I actually made a proper shopping list before I left, with everything on it that I wanted to buy rather than only the most important items. I also restricted my choices a little for the first time since I started eating normally again - my goal was to not have to go to the bank today and I didn't. I even ended up with a few coins still left in my purse. If this lasts until the end of the month, I'll have €40 to spend on something nice! :D (Now this is how I imagined life in my new flat. Amazing what a difference all that expensive gluten- and lactose-free food made.)

Anyway, I have no idea what possessed me to behave this way all morning. There was even a moment, while I was writing the shopping list, when I suddenly got really tired and kept losing my train of thought, and I just sat back and took a break from what I was doing until it passed. This is not usually something I can do. I take breaks from things by doing other things, not by doing nothing. If I try that, I get restless within seconds. Except today! I merely ... sat there, without even imagining anything interesting like I had earlier. (In case you're wondering what kept me occupied for a whole hour, it was some silly "what if I could send a message to my past self" scenario. The super detailed version. >.<)

Now I am completely exhausted, so I guess there will be no more amazing productivity. I almost want to go to bed already, but that would be ridiculous and I still haven't had a proper meal. Why does going outside always do this to me?! Ugh. But it was worth the sacrifice.

ETA: I forgot to say, normally being able to just wait is actually a sign that I'm getting the flu or something. I am always so calm when I'm normal-people-sick, it's fascinating. But it usually comes with feeling like I'm getting the flu, so ...

Hello, 2012

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 06:57 pm
faevii: (wtf anthony)
I'm not sure what to make of this year so far. On the one hand, I've been getting more stuff done during the last two days than during the last two weeks put together, including things that I should have done two months ago. Sounds like a positive development, right? But it isn't. Because on the other hand I can't get my thoughts in order and I only just slept for the first time since the fireworks. I was awake for two days straight, and for the second time in a row at that. (Er. I'm starting to sense a theme involving the number 2 here, haha.)

It's so strange. Just a few days ago I felt ... dumbed down. Trapped in my head. Almost defeated. Now I'm free and it's not actually better. It's like the difference between being buried alive under a desert and floating in space. I still can't focus on anything because I'm suddenly too far away instead of trapped. No more sand in my eyes, no more heat exhaustion, but what's the point in being able to see clearly if you only need to move your head a millimetre to the left and you're accidentally looking at a whole different country? Am I taking the space metaphor too far? :P But it's accurate. (And damn those clouds always getting in the way.)

I wonder what exactly is happening in my brain. Like, biologically. What does this jumping from thought to thought thing look like? I don't know enough about human physiology. Why did I always like chemistry better than biology back in school? Aside from genetics, that was fun. Perhaps because it's more logical than the rest of biology. I also liked physics better the more theoretical we got and found the practical applications boring. Radiation was a nice topic. I like looking at things on an atomic level ... zooming in, so to speak ... the tiny building blocks that everything's made of. Zoom in far enough and even lifeforms start to make logical sense.

Uhm ... did I just ... HAHAHA OH GODS. Speaking of jumping from thought to thought. >.<;
faevii: (creepy irish ninja cat)
Mrs D has told me about a mental hospital in Hamburg that's supposed to be really good for getting diagnoses. Another one of her clients recently went there and said it was great. Then she cheerfully announced that it was "only for young women" as if that was the best part. >_<

I'd love to go, but ... oh gods. Large groups of women make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I'd also kind of feel like an intruder, only pretending to be a woman to get in?? On the other hand, my obsession thingie is almost exclusive to men, so this might actually raise my chances of making it through a hospital stay without that happening. Well, uh. Unless there is male personnel or it shares a communal area with a men's/mixed ward, etc. ...

Augh, I dunno what to do.
faevii: (what is this i don't even)
I've been a little absent because Daniel's computer is still here and I'm using it exclusively now, mostly out of laziness. (Switching back and forth requires plugging cables in and out, so.) I don't have my bookmarks or any of that stuff, which is bad for "productivity" (in terms of internet "responsibilities" - ahaha what is my life) because I need visual reminders and convenient clickable buttons to have any chance at all of staying on top of things.

Also I can't concentrate and have only been skimming my reading page at best. Sorry.

We haven't finished the present yet, either. It's definitely not going to be done in time for Christmas anymore, argh! So ... a birthday present then. It's not like he'll sit there expecting to get anything from us, so I guess it doesn't really matter whether the surprise comes during the holidays or two weeks later. When he turns four. Freaking four years, people! Wow. I can't ... no, I don't even want to think about it. :|

And we were so close to getting it done ... the new software was much better indeed, and after a couple of hours we thought we were finished. Then we realised that you could only change the number of pages in increments of four, so we were left with three empty pages. GAH. We didn't want to delete any of the pictures that we'd already chosen, but adding more seemed awfully difficult because they were all arranged in the order they were taken and putting new ones in would have messed everything up. Then we had the brilliant idea to fill the last three pages with current pictures of us and our families, but of course I was the only one of whom current pictures existed ...

Yesterday we wanted to meet up to take some, except Daniel couldn't sleep and ended up looking like crap (he didn't manage to shower before I arrived). He'd also meant to photograph his mother and his brother, but then his brother wasn't even awake yet. Everything just went wrong. I left my camera there so they could do it among themselves later or today, but I don't know whether they did because he hasn't been answering his phone. >_< Meanwhile my own mother promised to look for any pictures she could send me, which also hasn't happened yet. Seriously, MY LIFE. Just. ARGH. This is how it always goes. Cooperating with other people: bad idea.

Anyway, I should probably stop worrying about it because it's already clear that it won't be a Christmas present anymore, so technically I've suddenly got all the time in the world. I'm just upset that it didn't work out as planned.

Working with Daniel was fun, though. I love how he just agreed with almost all of my design decisions - not because he didn't care either way, but rather because he just agreed, you know? We really happen to have similar tastes in many things. It was often like that when we bought furniture, too. (Except he suggested more fancy lights and weird decorations. I did always tease him about that ...)
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
I'm back on my own computer for the moment, in part to check my usual websites so I won't have to log into all of them on Daniel's, and also to empty my USB stick in case I'll want to put more on it later. I've managed to arrange everything in a slightly more comfortable manner, but I'm afraid there's not a whole lot of time left until Daniel gets back here.

You know what I hate? Zipped-up backup files that don't really tell you what's in them. "New Pictures" is not a filename that will mean anything to me six months later. I try to do better every single time I make a backup of something, but it's really difficult! If only I had an external harddrive, which would enable me to back up my entire folder system exactly as it exists in its original location. That would help a lot. The only problem with that would be files that I deliberately deleted continuing to exist in the backup, which is not so terrible. I think I even know of a free program that can handle this sort of thing for you. I'd just need a big internal harddrive and an external one ... ONE DAY, GUYS. One day I'm going to have a proper computer again, and moderately-sized external harddrives really aren't that expensive anymore.

Okay, file transfer done. Back to the other computer. I hope the Christmas present stuff works out.

So.

Thursday, December 15th, 2011 08:57 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
I found the photos, but not much else that will be of use. However, I did manage to get at least slightly more comfortable, and then I even found a way around the ~difficulties~ I had mentioned.

What we'd been doing was to try and create a photo book for Timo, as a Christmas present. I'd seen an ad for those about two or three weeks ago and figured it would be perfect for our situation: we wanted to send him something that would remind him of us, something that was thoughtful and yet fun. He loves looking at baby pictures of himself, so that's the fun part taken care of. Ordering a photo book online seemed easier than putting together an album from individually printed pictures, plus I find the idea of your own face being in a proper book pretty cool. Suggesting it to Daniel took some time thanks to the whole, you know, thing that happened that one night; then we had to wait for my mother to find out if she could contribute additional pictures (which she couldn't, alas); then I couldn't get Daniel on the phone for several days and when we finally wanted to get together and do it, my internet went down for over 12 hours. No kidding. So we were kind of in a hurry today and when I realised that it was not as easy as I'd thought ... oh boy.

We wasted quite a lot of time trying to get our heads around that software, let me tell you. I wish it had occured to me sooner that maybe we should simply attempt to find another company offering the same service in the same price range, to check if their software was any better. That's what I just did, and I got lucky, too. I know exactly what to do now and have already prepared the file for tomorrow, so we should be able finish it in no time. It'll be quite cheap as well, especially for two people splitting costs! The only question left is whether it'll arrive in time for us to send it on to where Timo lives now before Christmas comes around. Or maybe arrange for it to get there otherwise, IDK. It's not that far away ...?

Phew. For today I've done all that I could, so I get to relax now. Or rather eat something and finally collapse into bed, because I didn't sleep last night. In the morning (or whenever I wake up) I might even screw around with these two computers some more, who knows.

Well, this is odd.

Thursday, December 15th, 2011 06:07 pm
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
I am updating from Daniel's computer, which is currently in my living room. It's kind of a long story, but basically we needed both a good computer and internet access at the same time, of which each of us only had one - so we decided to share. Then the thing that we needed them for turned out to be way more difficult than expected and we realised that we would have to continue tomorrow, but he didn't want to carry the computer all the way back just for one night. Hence I've suddenly got one night and one morning of access to a decent computer. Huh.

I can't find a comfortable position to sit in anymore because he also decided to bring his monitor for some reason, which is now standing next to mine at an impractical angle. The computer as well as the legs of my table get in the way of sitting directly in front of it, so ... this isn't going to be very pleasant. Of course I don't have a profile on the thing anymore, either. He had to reinstall Windows at some point after I left, I believe ...

It would be great if I could use the time to hang out on YouTube or something like that to fully take advantage of the situation, but I'm afraid I will barely manage to find and transfer some of my old files to my USB stick before various body parts start to hurt too much.

Not that I mind, really. This is still a cool opportunity. Not all of my files are even on his computer right now (also a long story), but they wouldn't fit on my wee little harddrive, anyway. At least I should be able to find the photos that I've been meaning to show you for half a year. :|

Shiiiny

Friday, November 25th, 2011 01:53 pm
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
This was on sale for only €3 today:

purple hair dye

I decided to take that as a sign, directed at me personally by a supernatural being of some kind who just happens to be really invested in getting to see me with purple hair. ;) I'd been hesitating because it wasn't my favourite shade of purple and I was more interested in blue, anyway. However, the chances of ever finding blue dye for cheap in a boring small town store are pretty slim ...

I'm going to wait until the black is mostly washed out before I try it, though. I can't imagine it would work very well on top of a different dye.

Oh.

Sunday, November 20th, 2011 02:49 pm
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
I've found a smaller book to reread after all: American Gods. I was recently reminded of a scene from it and realised that I could hardly remember the rest of the story. There's a bookmark stuck between pages 64 and 65; could this mean that I started reading it one day and then forgot to continue?! How very unlike me.

What's funny is that the bookmark is actually a reminder for a dentist's appointment - I haven't seen a dentist in ages. The date on it only consists of a month and a day, but I'm guessing that the youngest it can possibly be is from 2007 ... I can't believe it's been four years or more since I opened that book.

So that's one problem out of the way. Now I've got new-to-me reading material and something old to fall back on. It's like Christmas or something.

I hope everything works out. Can't wait to finally get this over and done with.
faevii: (an actual sentence)
Tomorrow is my appointment for the next attempt at a lactose intolerance test (finally) and I am woefully unprepared. For instance, I completely forgot to buy any travel-friendly foods that I could take with me, which I am going to need. I don't have anything to drink in appropriately sized bottles, either. All I can hope for now is that I'll manage to do some emergency shopping really early in the morning, but that's not a very good solution because the more time I spend awake and running around, the sooner I'll get hunger pangs. That awful test takes three hours. D:

Another problem is that I can't find the list of instructions that they gave me. I remember most of them, but I'm not clear on when exactly I'm supposed to stop drinking and whether I'm allowed to at least have a small glass of water in the morning. Where did that piece of paper go?!

And unlike last time, today I don't just happen to have several books lying around that I wanted to reread anyway. The only book I own that I am currently willing to reread is unfortunately very heavy. I'm still considering it, but ... ugh. That thing is enormous. Not exactly made for being carried around.

However! The above dilemma did inspire me to get a little creative, so I remembered that I'd never even checked whether my printer was out of black ink after getting it back from Daniel's brother - I knew that it was definitely out of coloured ink and had no use for only black until now. Turns out there was quite a bit left! I didn't actually have more than five sheets of white paper, but added a few coloured ones that I figured I could expend because they were relatively ugly. Since I miraculously managed to not mess up printing two pages on each side of a sheet, I ended up with about 80 pages of Chainbreaker total. Sadly I have no idea how fast I am going to read that.

It's an interesting book, by the way. I'd saved the link to my Read It Later account a long time ago and then mindlessly downloaded it soon after getting this computer, without looking at the description again. So I was quite surprised to find Loki in it when I finally started reading, haha! How fitting. You can tell that it hasn't been professionally edited, I guess, but that only makes it feel a little more like fanfiction than a book, not ... bad. I don't mind the occasional mistake or awkward phrasing as long as the story is good.

I guess if I make it through those ~80 pages really fast, I can always attempt to use my crappy phone for entertainment? If phones are allowed there, that is. Which I don't know. >.<

Am now sneezing because there was cat hair in the printer. Urgh.

HNGH

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010 02:43 pm
faevii: (pain and suffering)
Uh, I promise not to fall into a three-posts-a-day habit again, but this wants out.

I've been taking the new meds for two weeks now and evidently I have not completely lost my mind. So far, so good. However, I'm not seeing any positive effects, either ... unless you count having managed to sleep normally for a week due to not sleeping very well and thus being constantly tired, which I'm really not sure is a good thing. Besides, the night before last my insomnia finally won out anyway.

I'm definitely going to give it some more time, but on the other hand I'm not sure it isn't affecting my mental state negatively at all. It's just so hard to say because I've been a bit nuts for two whole months! How do I tell whether it's being made worse by the meds or not?

There's this incredible boredom I can't get rid of. I already said this about a month ago, but it feels a bit like mania and depression at the same time. Part of me is going "DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING" like a squirrel on crack and yet I'm also completely NOT in the mood to do anything I can think of.

Occasionally this is made worse by sudden attacks of undefinied anxiety. I'm amazed I can even write at the moment because I am fidgeting rather dramatically and nearly bit through my lip a minute ago. My body is tingling as if pure adrenaline were flowing through my veins instead of blood and I have trouble breathing. SO MUCH FUN.

I don't know what it's about, I don't know what might help, I don't know anything. And it's definitely getting worse. Less and less things can hold my attention - almost every single day I lose another topic that I could previously read or hear about without getting distracted. If only I could simply go for a run or something!

Damn You Auto Correct helps sometimes. XD

Ahh, finally I can breathe again. Not that it's completely gone, but then ... it never really leaves.

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Lin

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