faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
My mother and I may agree on a lot more things these days than we used to, which is great, but there are still some themes popping up in our conversations on a regular basis that make me want to bash my palm against my forehead repeatedly.

We just had another one of those If You Would Only Try Harder moments. It's not that she necessarily blames me for my problems or actually says that I could solve them all by myself if I made a bigger effort - she understands now that something is probably "broken" in my actual body* and that my mental issues are more complex than she thought, too. I only get this impression from her when we are discussing an isolated incident rather than the whole picture, such as an appointment that I missed. She remains convinced that I could "make an exception" for those if I really put my mind to it, that I should at least be able to "overcome" my difficulties occasionally because other people occasionally go to work in spite of having the flu as well, and that sort of thing should be perfectly possible for everyone as long as it doesn't happen too often. >_<

I can see the logic behind that, honestly. It's like, if you usually don't get up until 8 am and then one day you suddenly need to catch a plane at 6, of course you will grit your teeth and "just do it" this one time. There's no question about it, that's how life works. So I totally get why she thinks that this should translate to my situation faultlessly, but no amount of logic will make an untrue thing true.

She has a couple of catch phrases relating to this, you know. "Don't try, just act" is perhaps the most infuriating one - only Yoda gets to say anything like that, okay?! If you're not Yoda, then freaking forget about it. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRYING AND DOING IF YOU LITERALLY TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN, ARGH. No matter from which direction you look at it. "I did it" means that you tried and succeeded, whether you use the word or not - what makes it so hard to imagine that the exact same process could sometimes result in failure??

It's important to be aware of one's own limitations in order to be open to the possibility of working around them. A slightly more reasonable person recently said that she was impressed with my dedication to finding such alternatives. "[Forcing yourself to stay awake the second-to-last night before an appointment] is an awfully huge sacrifice to make," she went on, "you certainly can't be accused of lacking motivation." And you know what? She is right. I never thought of it that way before, but in fact I go out of my way to achieve success through unconventional means. If I didn't do that - if I only ever applied my motivation the traditional way due to believing in some ridiculous, idealistic Jedi crap - then I'd be wasting my life running headfirst into walls all of the time.

Not that it doesn't still happen, mind you. And try as I might, I cannot find a way around every single wall that presents itself to me, either. Motivation isn't magic! They should teach that in schools.

*I don't like to use the word "broken" under normal circumstances, but in this case it's the perfect fit due to the nature of her attitude ...

[A/N: The tag "they do exist" does not refer to Jedis. :P Amusingly, "mrs exasperation" also doesn't refer to my mother. I swear it all makes sense! Most of the time.]
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
Considering that I'm only going to be home until tomorrow evening, I just bought quite a huge load of stuff. Well. Part of it was simply that I happened to need all kinds of things at once, and then I found this tiny food processor that I could actually afford, ALDI had pretty wrapping paper and I thought it would be nice if I owned a hair dryer (a really cheap one, travel-sized) ... Soon enough my trolley was full and in the other hand I was carrying a full bag and a pack of toilet paper.

Fortunately I don't need to worry about money much this month because I won't be present for most of it, which should drastically reduce the amount of food I'll need to buy. I thought I'd have to worry anyway, what with those weird lottery/raffle thingies that I accidentally signed up for, but that's one of the things that Mrs D is handling now. She says it's best to simply cancel all of it and that this should not be difficult to do. Okay. Good. I would have liked to win something, of course, but ... it's not a good time for taking risks, really.

The weather is so nice today, I keep thinking I should use the chance to take a walk ... but I'm still exhausted from carrying everything home, urgh.

Stopping By #2

Saturday, September 3rd, 2011 11:47 am
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
Another weekend, another night at home. Yay! I think this one's going to be more fun because I don't really get nervous/anxious/restless anymore, I'm not quite as tired as last time and I have money again. My concentration has not improved much, though.

AAAAAHHH!! Sudden crane fly alarm! I HATE THESE THINGS SO MUCH UGHUGHUGH. Don't tell me they're harmless, I know that ... I just really don't want one to fly in my face and they're big enough that it seems likely no matter where they currently are. kjashdjkhgkhf

Relatively certain now that I got it with the vacuum cleaner, but it happened so fast that I'm not sure it actually went in. NOTE TO SELF: PUT UP THE REMAINING MOSQUITO NETS ALREADY.

Ahem. Where was I?

So ... another reason why I've been looking forward to this day is that with every time I'm here, I get to drop off some clothes (or other things) that Daniel brought me unnecessarily and to wash some of the rest, so my wardrobe at the hospital is gradually becoming more and more organised. Which is good because I need a system of some kind to ensure that I don't run out of clothes before I get to do laundry again.

In other news, I've had a chat with Mrs D and she is hopefully going to sort out a bunch of things I can't do by myself right now. Finally.


faevii: (Default)

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