faevii: (wtf anthony)
Guess what? I've discovered a whole new way for my insomnia to present itself! As if I needed another one. -_- But then, it's not even entirely useless ... I have to admit that I'm relatively happy with how this week's been going so far, compared to other possible outcomes.

Basically I got out of bed on Monday morning and haven't been in it again since. o.O During the first night I didn't sleep at all, although I dozed off for a short while in the morning (less than an hour), then yesterday an accidental chair nap of epic proportions happened (I'm not sure how long it was exactly, but I wouldn't be surprised if it amounted to almost as much as a full night's sleep) and today was kind of similar, I think, except this time I completely lost track.

So how can that be good? Well. For one thing, I got stuff done. Not much of the kind of stuff that requires thinking or going outside, but stuff like dishes and laundry and occasionally even a bit of cooking. I am also expecting an important phone call, obviously (since the 15th has passed), and I have no idea when that's going to happen. If it takes you until the morning to get tired enough to sleep, but you don't want to risk missing a call, then having the option to nap even on an uncomfortable chair can be quite the relief! At least if you're anything like me. >.<

Sometime today or yesterday I did get a call from A in the middle of a nap and I found talking much easier than if I'd been woken up from deeper sleep. Plus I loved that I could just turn back around and ... I don't know, this is actually quite hard to explain ...

I think the key difference is that I'm not making an effort to sleep as much as possible in one go. So it doesn't matter if I'm hungry or need to pee, I might as well nap for half an hour before I decide whether to do something about it. And then for another if the answer is "no" at the moment. There's also none of the commitment to being awake or asleep that comes with brushing one's teeth and changing in or out of pyjamas, therefore it's perfectly fine if I decide to sleep and then can't - I'll just raise my head back up and continue browsing the internet. Or go to the bathroom. Nothing needs to be done in any particular order, there are no calculations, the time of day is almost irrelevant and I can go directly from napping to doing something useful if I feel like it. Normally I never manage to get anything done during the first hour after waking up.

Of course this is not at all healthy, however, and I'm not planning to continue with it on purpose. Tonight I'll stay awake once again for a number of probably silly reasons, but after 8 am I won't allow myself to nap anymore so that I won't have any trouble falling asleep when I finally go to bed. Which will be early in case I end up sleeping for ages. <_< I wish I had a sofa or at least a more comfortable chair, though ... the discomfort may be part of the reason why this works, but it sure as hell can't be good for my back. Looking forward to getting some true rest tomorrow.
faevii: (slice of brain)
You know what's funny? Ever since I mentioned having trouble getting the dishes done in time, I've been kind of ... doing that obsessively every few hours, and now the only dirty item left is my frying pan. It was neither on purpose nor even vaguely inspired by talking about it - basically, it just happened. That's how I do a lot of things, anyway. At any given moment, chances are high that I'm asking myself, "Why am I doing this now??" I know I've said this before somewhere on the internet and it may even have been here: I feel like my own actions are often completely unpredictable and all I can do is wait for them to happen. :|

Anyway, I'm glad I got this done. I have no idea why I felt like it or why it was possible, but it sure is nice that I did it.

Another strange thing is that I didn't sleep during any of that time. I mean, I spent three hours repeatedly dozing off on my chair (WILL THAT EVER STOP), but I didn't get any real sleep and it's already been almost 24 hours since the dozing, too. I had to stay awake because I needed groceries, and afterwards ... I only became more and more awake instead of doing the logical thing and progressing from post-shopping exhaustion back to tiredness. Nope. I didn't really start feeling tired again until a few hours ago, at which point it was already too late to still go to bed. Well, I suppose I could have said "screw it" and done it anyway, but that would have made being awake tomorrow a little difficult and Daniel wants to stop by to discuss Important Stuff then. (Like, Timo stuff and Finally Getting My Files Back stuff.)

What a mess.

Revelations

Sunday, December 4th, 2011 12:49 pm
faevii: (happiness)
Yesterday afternoon I had three good ideas. One was to call my mother and tell her about the Daniel situation (I apologise for the reference to a locked post in a public one), because she seemed like a safe person to talk to about it. I mean, he's probably never going to find out that I told her unless I admit it myself, so ... no harm done, right? I just needed to tell someone. We didn't continue our discussion from the last time we talked, but that was alright, too. It's still in the back of my head and I'm going to bring it up again sooner or later.

Incidentally, another of the ideas was related to that. I'd been unsure of what exactly to say to her and then it suddenly came to me. (This was before I called her, I think - or was it? I don't remember, but it wouldn't have made a difference. There wasn't enough time for both topics because she had stuff to do.) It's very simple: I am going to use the example that if you take two equally ambitious people and give them the exact same goal (which they are equally enthusiastic about) as well as the exact same obstacle to overcome in order to reach it, there is still a chance that one will succeed and one won't. Now, exchange the obstacle for a different one and maybe this time their roles will be reversed. Because it's not about motivation! People have unique strengths and weaknesses and if your problem happens to be something that you're bad at dealing with, it doesn't matter how much you want to overcome it. You will need time or help at the very least, if not both, and perhaps you'll have to change goals entirely. There. Try to argue with that. :P

(I get ridiculously excited when I discover a new way to explain something. I like to think of people who don't understand things as puzzles to solve. Getting closer to solving them is even more fun than finding the solution to an actual problem! Oh gods I just used my brain and it worked oh gods I can still be smart sometimes alert the fucking media I feel amazing oh gods.)

((This is exactly why my mother once suggested I become a lawyer.))

(((I do not wish to become a lawyer. I'd rather solve puzzles that don't involve arbitrary human-made laws, thanks.)))

third idea cut for overall post length; sleep schedule stuff )

So I set my alarm to 8, went to bed at 6, needed to hit the "snooze" button three times despite having slept for 14 hours, and finally crawled out of bed feeling terrible physically but extremely pleased with myself. :D

Huh.

Wednesday, November 30th, 2011 01:09 pm
faevii: (wtf anthony)
You know ... I am starting to wonder what's up with me at the moment. I say "up" instead of "wrong" because, well, it's nothing bad! Just ... a little weird.

I was watching SGA again, merely taking a short break before the final two-parter to start the download of season 2, when I suddenly ... uh, decided to start learning how to type using all fingers?

Like, I didn't just think that I should do it, I actually started. I'd downloaded a program that teaches you this months ago, but was never in the mood to try it. And then out of absolutely nowhere I suddenly did. Before I'd even found the file I was looking for, with the search results still open in the background. And the folder with the two unwatched episodes in it was also still open because I'd only meant to start the download and continue watching. It was like, one second I'm on the Pirate Bay and the next WHOOPS I'M LEARNING HOW TO TYPE WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN. o.O

The Origami thing was exactly like this, too. One moment I'm talking about modular Origami ornaments on Twitter that I'm not sure I want to expend this much paper on, and the next whoops I made a box. (Which reminds me that I wanted to get back to that. I should probably take a longer break before the finale anyway - give the download a headstart in case it's relatively fast, maybe eat something. I also need to decide when to go to bed today so I don't forget about that.)

I mean, not that I'm not pleased I'm being more productive all of a sudden, but why does it happen in unexpected bursts?!

~ROMANCE~

Thursday, October 27th, 2011 05:57 pm
faevii: (creepy irish ninja cat)
A few days ago, a post about what it's like to be aromantic popped up on my Tumblr dashboard. I found it an interesting read because I am basically the opposite of aromantic. It's not just that I develop romantic attraction easily - I am also nearly incapable of loving people platonically. Once I cross that line between liking and loving someone, chances are I will instantly get a crush on them, too.

For the longest time I had so much trouble imagining platonic love that I came up with all kinds of strategies for it. I tried to compare it to loving a family member, but discovered that I didn't actually love* my family. I tried to think of friends that I had never fallen in love with, but only found a few that I hadn't loved at all. I wondered what it was like to be gay or straight, i.e. monosexual, and how a monosexual person might feel about friends of the gender they were not attracted to. It was impossible.

Several things have changed since then. For example, I am now familiar with the love between a parent and a child. I actually feel somewhat similarly about my siblings, too ... but I'm telling you, if they were my age? I'd probably be so unlucky as to fall in love with one of them. >_< Then there is the matter of Daniel. Our relationship is still complicated, but not awkward. I don't think it would be inaccurate to call him my best friend now. There is a small amount of romantic feelings left, I guess, but only the tiniest hint, and mostly he is family to me. Like a brother? Perhaps. I never understood that expression before.

So this is a new experience, and I think I may also be learning to love people more easily, which would increase the chances of some of that love being platonic. I still have that annoying tendency to find anyone and everyone attractive, though. I very nearly developed a crush on someone my mother's age at the hospital. o.O

It's kind of ironic that at the same time I am almost asexual. But lately I have been getting the impression that my entire existence is kind of ironic, so whatever. :D (Contradictions everywhere! I don't care.)

*Yeah, I know. I also have a post coming up that is mostly about what a weird child I was ...
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
While I'm awake anyway, I figure I might as well get this unwritten post out of my system before it becomes obsolete like the last one. (Yeah. The one I kept alluding to in my subject lines. That happened.)

One day at the hospital, I spent several hours working on a diagram that was supposed to explain the relationships between my various symptoms, how they influenced each other and which belonged together as a group. I nearly gave up in frustration once or twice, but in the end I was quite proud of the result. I thought I had it all sorted.

When I look at that piece of paper now, I can only shake my head. This is a thing that happens to me on a frighteningly regular basis. Another example is my "level three craziness" tag, which I didn't feel the need to use for a while and then I forgot under which conditions exactly I used to do so. A few days ago I tried to figure this out by reading the entries that were already tagged with it, but I discovered that what had appeared to be a connected set of circumstances to me at the time was now nothing but a completely random assortment of unrelated things anymore. I still don't quite understand why I thought they were one big issue back then.

Today - er, I mean yesterday - as I was walking into town to get groceries, I spontaneously came up with a much simpler method of describing the mess in my head than that blasted diagram. I mean, I was surprised to find that I could suddenly keep track of everything without having to resort to colour-coded categories and a complex arrangement of arrows. It's hardly more than a list now, really. :)

Behind the cut follows, of course, the list. )

So that was that. I had to leave out the concentration thingie because I still don't have a clue what causes it. I'm not currently experiencing it, by the way - it just disappeared one day and hasn't returned since. Of course I can't concentrate well when I'm extremely tired, but the rest of the time I don't have much trouble anymore.

HNGH

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010 02:43 pm
faevii: (pain and suffering)
Uh, I promise not to fall into a three-posts-a-day habit again, but this wants out.

I've been taking the new meds for two weeks now and evidently I have not completely lost my mind. So far, so good. However, I'm not seeing any positive effects, either ... unless you count having managed to sleep normally for a week due to not sleeping very well and thus being constantly tired, which I'm really not sure is a good thing. Besides, the night before last my insomnia finally won out anyway.

I'm definitely going to give it some more time, but on the other hand I'm not sure it isn't affecting my mental state negatively at all. It's just so hard to say because I've been a bit nuts for two whole months! How do I tell whether it's being made worse by the meds or not?

There's this incredible boredom I can't get rid of. I already said this about a month ago, but it feels a bit like mania and depression at the same time. Part of me is going "DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING" like a squirrel on crack and yet I'm also completely NOT in the mood to do anything I can think of.

Occasionally this is made worse by sudden attacks of undefinied anxiety. I'm amazed I can even write at the moment because I am fidgeting rather dramatically and nearly bit through my lip a minute ago. My body is tingling as if pure adrenaline were flowing through my veins instead of blood and I have trouble breathing. SO MUCH FUN.

I don't know what it's about, I don't know what might help, I don't know anything. And it's definitely getting worse. Less and less things can hold my attention - almost every single day I lose another topic that I could previously read or hear about without getting distracted. If only I could simply go for a run or something!

Damn You Auto Correct helps sometimes. XD

Ahh, finally I can breathe again. Not that it's completely gone, but then ... it never really leaves.
faevii: (Default)
Excuse me, I'm on a personality test rampage. I've always wanted to do one of those, but somehow never did:

Click to view my Personality Profile page

I LOL'd. Note that I scored so low on "interpersonal" (not to be confused with "intrapersonal") that it's NOT EVEN ON THERE. XD (20%, as the full results page informed me.) I may not approve of IQ tests, but this is awesome. And hilarious. At least if you consider that it basically appears to be saying, "I like WORDS and NUMBERS and MUSIC and MYSELF ... oh, and also pretty things and nature and movement. Other people? What's that? Can you eat it? How does it work??"

But then you've got the "personality type" tests that will tell you I'm very nice, peaceful, loyal, caring and so on. Which sums up all of my problems with human interaction, really. I care almost too much, I'm just crap at expressing it.

(And evidently I enjoy interpreting meaningless internet tests in such a way that they seem to explain my entire life.)

I have decided, by the way, that my personality type is I[joker][joker][joker]. Honestly, nothing but the I ever stays the same for long and it even makes sense. As I just mentioned on Tumblr, where I for some reason decided to post one of the other tests I did, I've been through almost every single type-starting-with-an-I in existence. If the results are displayed as percentages, everything but the I is usually close to the 50% mark. At the moment ISFP feels right, but so did INTJ at some point in time!

... I feel like one of those characters in RPGs who are moderately good at everything, but don't really excel at anything, so you can make use of them in any situation if you have to, but will probably switch them out for someone else eventually. >.< A jack of all trades - I've always liked that phrase.

Maybe this even explains why I have managed to "accidentally imitate" such vastly different people without realising it. If you start out in the middle, you never have to stray that far. IDK. Why am I even still awake.

Observation #32759

Sunday, June 13th, 2010 10:54 pm
faevii: (slice of brain)
I recently realised why I love spending time around small children so much - well, not too many at once, but that's beside the point. It's because I can easily let go in their company. Act without thinking. There's nothing to be afraid of; a toddler won't laugh if you do something weird - not in a bad way, at least. In fact it's not unlikely that the kid will think you're the funniest person in the world.

Back when I was still living with my mother and my siblings, I didn't participate in the things that they did very often, didn't join them on their bike rides or whatever they got up to, but it was not because I didn't like doing those things. I was just tired and sick and preoccupied. When I did feel like coming along, I had lots of fun and secretly pretended that I wasn't ten years older than the others.

Not much has changed, really. I'm the type of person who will occasionally catch herself skipping into the kitchen to get a glass of water instead of walking, for no particular reason. Yes, I do that even now. It just happens! Daniel thinks I'm insane, but I don't mind him. And Timo doesn't care. That's the thing. When I'm alone with Timo, which isn't possible half as often as I'd like, I sing and dance and hop around and do all kinds of things that I would otherwise find embarrassing.

When people persuade me to sing in front of them, my voice is tiny. When I sing to Timo, I am suddenly capable of being exactly as loud as I would be on my own in a sound-proof room. When people ask me to dance, I say that I can't because I have no idea how you're supposed to do it. When Timo and I listen to music together, I start dancing automatically without thinking about it at all.

And that's why I don't like cricket enjoy spending time with small children.

I'm getting better with the grown-ups, mind you. In fact I think this realisation will make it a little easier. Growing up is overrated.
faevii: (Default)
Now let's see if all of this appears on LiveJournal as it's supposed to. :)

My week has been decidedly strange so far. Once again I am only sleeping every other night, which I find rather fascinating because it's been ages since the last time I even had the energy to pull that off, although I try not to think of it as a good thing. Me and unusual amounts of energy, that's always a sign of something bad going on behind the scenes - I don't think it has ever been anything else, no matter how often it caused other people to believe that I was making progress or finally getting a move on. Not that there's a chance of that happening now, mind you. All I do is sleep too little.

Somehow I did manage to send my sister a proper birthday card and some money, though. It arrived exactly on the right day, self-made origami envelope and all. That's the fifth sibling-birthday in a row I have not screwed up; one more to go and I'll have made it through two whole years. Baby steps.

My mother suddenly discovered that a woman she's known for quite some time has fibromyalgia, too. There is something very reassuring about the things she told me they've talked about, although I can't say what exactly. I guess for the most part I'm just relieved that this person appears to be a lot more like me than the people I met during my hospital stay last year. She allowed her to give me her number and even offered to take me along to a meeting of her support group sometime if I want to, which is really a great idea because it would make getting there so much easier. I hope I'll manage to make that phone call soon, somewhere inbetween the sleeping and not sleeping. Unfortunately I often feel like I've blinked once and a week went by unnoticed.

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faevii: (Default)
Lin

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