faevii: (creepy irish ninja cat)
Once upon a time, I was hanging out on a kink meme, which is generally not something that I do often. It's where I go when I've already read almost all of the fanfiction about a specific pairing and still want more, so basically it only happens if a) the pairing is rare/new or b) I'm going through one of those phases where I spend a lot of time reading fanfic and additionally don't get distracted by any new fandoms for a while.

So I was hanging out on this kink meme, looking for the fluff among the ... kinkiness. I don't mind the occasional bit of vaguely kinky sex in the middle of a fic that also has a proper plot or something, especially since I often skip the sex scenes anyway, but there are many things I have no interest in reading. Except on that day, I actually came across a prompt that involved a kink that I sort of ... have? Which is not a sex thing. Just a "may or may not possibly turn me on" thing. (No. Not telling. :P) And I was already amazed that somebody had even requested this, but then I discovered that the prompt had also been filled!

Obviously I needed to read that fic, although I felt slightly ashamed of it in light of who it was about. To be quite honest, I didn't think it was particularly well-written ... but it wasn't entirely bad, either. Then I had a look at the comments, curious as to other people's reactions. And I found one, anonymous of course, that basically TOLD THIS EXACT STORY. Like, "I normally don't visit kink memes for the kinky bits, I'm only here for the fluff, but wow, this is actually a kink that I'm into and I was so surprised to see this!!" Well, I'm paraphrasing because it's been a while and I feel like I might even be forgetting yet another aspect of the comment that I could relate to, but that was the gist of it.

I WANTED TO COMMUNICATE WITH THIS ANON SO BADLY. And, and. Oh gods. There was just no way. Never mind that it would have been nigh impossible to take the conversation elsewhere without revealing our identities to anyone, the thread was like two years old and the person had probably long forgotten that it existed. Besides, what could we have talked about anyway? "So are you also on the asexual spectrum or do you just really like fluff"?? "How do you feel about being into this"??? I think all I wanted was to have a bit of a ~fistbump~ moment. "Yay, we're not alone. Okay, bye."

On a slightly different note, I wish I could write, because I totally had this whole bag of ideas on how to make that fanfic better. And ... maybe not about the same people. =_=;;; although I must admit that one of them did make an excellent subject for why am I still talking


Thursday, November 10th, 2011 06:31 am
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
There is a topic that I've been meaning to talk about for a while, but getting into writing mode has been difficult lately. The topic is ... romance, again, although I'm going for a different angle than last time.

One day while I was thinking about names, I suddenly started to wonder what would have happened if Daniel and I had managed to actually get married instead of just planning to do so and then never getting around to it. To my own surprise, I got this strong feeling that I wouldn't have regretted it, and then I thought, "You're not making sense. Married or not, you're not together anymore. How could you not regret a marriage that failed?!" But the feeling wouldn't budge, and my thoughts kept returning to how special our relationship was, how he's my best friend now ... and how nobody even batted an eyelash when I announced that he would always be family, as if that were a perfectly normal thing to say about one's ex. Evidently the unique nature of our connection is visible to other people, too. I still kind of think we were made for each other, just not in the way that we initially assumed.

Now, in Homestuck there is this alien race called trolls (yeah ... IKR) who have a much more complex idea of romance than us humans. I won't go into detail, but the gist of it is that there are four different types of romantic relationships, some of which actually appear to be platonic at first glance. One is similar to human romantic love, one is a kind of romantic hate, or rivalry (come to think of it, the "rivalmances" in Dragon Age II are a lot like this, too), the third could perhaps be compared to a romantic relationship between asexual people, and the last one - which is simultaneously the most complicated and the least interesting - is like a sexless, toned down version of the rivalry one. I'm sure you'll be relieved to find out that I only want to talk about one of these. :P

cut for length )

So all of these things put together kind of changed my internal definition of romance forever. I never would have expected that from a silly webcomic.


Thursday, October 27th, 2011 05:57 pm
faevii: (creepy irish ninja cat)
A few days ago, a post about what it's like to be aromantic popped up on my Tumblr dashboard. I found it an interesting read because I am basically the opposite of aromantic. It's not just that I develop romantic attraction easily - I am also nearly incapable of loving people platonically. Once I cross that line between liking and loving someone, chances are I will instantly get a crush on them, too.

For the longest time I had so much trouble imagining platonic love that I came up with all kinds of strategies for it. I tried to compare it to loving a family member, but discovered that I didn't actually love* my family. I tried to think of friends that I had never fallen in love with, but only found a few that I hadn't loved at all. I wondered what it was like to be gay or straight, i.e. monosexual, and how a monosexual person might feel about friends of the gender they were not attracted to. It was impossible.

Several things have changed since then. For example, I am now familiar with the love between a parent and a child. I actually feel somewhat similarly about my siblings, too ... but I'm telling you, if they were my age? I'd probably be so unlucky as to fall in love with one of them. >_< Then there is the matter of Daniel. Our relationship is still complicated, but not awkward. I don't think it would be inaccurate to call him my best friend now. There is a small amount of romantic feelings left, I guess, but only the tiniest hint, and mostly he is family to me. Like a brother? Perhaps. I never understood that expression before.

So this is a new experience, and I think I may also be learning to love people more easily, which would increase the chances of some of that love being platonic. I still have that annoying tendency to find anyone and everyone attractive, though. I very nearly developed a crush on someone my mother's age at the hospital. o.O

It's kind of ironic that at the same time I am almost asexual. But lately I have been getting the impression that my entire existence is kind of ironic, so whatever. :D (Contradictions everywhere! I don't care.)

*Yeah, I know. I also have a post coming up that is mostly about what a weird child I was ...

The Fandom Problem

Saturday, June 19th, 2010 01:54 pm
faevii: (thoughtful rosencrantz)
I think I just started to figure out what it is that keeps me from getting properly involved in fandom. That question has been bugging me for ages because it's certainly not a lack of interest: I want to get involved because I do get pretty excited about things and having people to talk to who share the sentiment would ne neat, really! Part of the problem is obviously that I don't have much to contribute, what with never having finished a single fanfic and appearing to have lost all my icon-making skillz - but that can't be the only reason, you know? I even suspect that if I did get involved somehow, I'd be way more inspired and eventually would end up finishing a fic. Interaction can do that to you.

One thing that's definitely holding me back is that I don't have the money to immediately buy each new album/book/DVD/etc. that comes out, so I regularly have to skip a lot of posts for fear of spoilers and by the time I finally catch up, everyone else's excitement has already passed. Well, with any luck that's going to change once I have my own place.

What I just realised is that I often feel left out for an entirely different reason as well though, and it has something to do with the fact that a large part of fandom is basically about sexual attraction. We look at pictures of our favourite characters/celebrities because we find them attractive, and what was the most popular fanfiction genre again? Right. Romance. Which some only read for the porn. :P That's all nice and well, but despite being utterly addicted to romantic fluff and picture-browsing myself, I often get the impression that what goes on in my head when I do these things is very, very different from other people's thoughts. The way they talk quite frankly disturbs me most of the time. I could never join a conversation that is all about how badly you wank to fuck that person, sorry.

Speaking of which, is it actually possible to get aroused just from looking at pictures of an attractive person?? I can never tell when people are joking. Especially when I'm too busy being disturbed.

Meta discussions never apply to me, either. I don't seem to have much in common with the average fan, the average female fan, the average female fan who likes slash ... or the typical representation of any other group that I'm technically a part of. It's quite frustrating. I always get the feeling that all those people who appear to be enjoying the same thing as I am are coming at it from such a different perspective that it's not really the same thing at all. How am I supposed to communicate with them under these conditions?

For some reason I was completely unaware of this problem until just now.


faevii: (Default)

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