faevii: (slice of brain)
You know what's funny? Ever since I mentioned having trouble getting the dishes done in time, I've been kind of ... doing that obsessively every few hours, and now the only dirty item left is my frying pan. It was neither on purpose nor even vaguely inspired by talking about it - basically, it just happened. That's how I do a lot of things, anyway. At any given moment, chances are high that I'm asking myself, "Why am I doing this now??" I know I've said this before somewhere on the internet and it may even have been here: I feel like my own actions are often completely unpredictable and all I can do is wait for them to happen. :|

Anyway, I'm glad I got this done. I have no idea why I felt like it or why it was possible, but it sure is nice that I did it.

Another strange thing is that I didn't sleep during any of that time. I mean, I spent three hours repeatedly dozing off on my chair (WILL THAT EVER STOP), but I didn't get any real sleep and it's already been almost 24 hours since the dozing, too. I had to stay awake because I needed groceries, and afterwards ... I only became more and more awake instead of doing the logical thing and progressing from post-shopping exhaustion back to tiredness. Nope. I didn't really start feeling tired again until a few hours ago, at which point it was already too late to still go to bed. Well, I suppose I could have said "screw it" and done it anyway, but that would have made being awake tomorrow a little difficult and Daniel wants to stop by to discuss Important Stuff then. (Like, Timo stuff and Finally Getting My Files Back stuff.)

What a mess.

Well, this is odd.

Thursday, December 15th, 2011 06:07 pm
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
I am updating from Daniel's computer, which is currently in my living room. It's kind of a long story, but basically we needed both a good computer and internet access at the same time, of which each of us only had one - so we decided to share. Then the thing that we needed them for turned out to be way more difficult than expected and we realised that we would have to continue tomorrow, but he didn't want to carry the computer all the way back just for one night. Hence I've suddenly got one night and one morning of access to a decent computer. Huh.

I can't find a comfortable position to sit in anymore because he also decided to bring his monitor for some reason, which is now standing next to mine at an impractical angle. The computer as well as the legs of my table get in the way of sitting directly in front of it, so ... this isn't going to be very pleasant. Of course I don't have a profile on the thing anymore, either. He had to reinstall Windows at some point after I left, I believe ...

It would be great if I could use the time to hang out on YouTube or something like that to fully take advantage of the situation, but I'm afraid I will barely manage to find and transfer some of my old files to my USB stick before various body parts start to hurt too much.

Not that I mind, really. This is still a cool opportunity. Not all of my files are even on his computer right now (also a long story), but they wouldn't fit on my wee little harddrive, anyway. At least I should be able to find the photos that I've been meaning to show you for half a year. :|

Okay then.

Thursday, December 8th, 2011 01:05 pm
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
As you might have guessed based on my sudden three-day absence, things didn't go so well. Then again, there used to be a time when a suspicious lack of posts from yours truly actually meant that I was feeling better than usual. Hm.

To make a long story short, I couldn't trick my brain into complying with a reasonable sleep schedule no matter what I did and eventually got tired of suffering the consequences of trying. I'm not even properly disappointed, I just wish I hadn't wasted any money on those valerian capsules. :|

For two days I simply went to bed whenever I got tired enough, but today I decided to stay awake a little longer again (since yesterday afternoon). Doing household stuff suddenly seems a whole lot easier, which is just typical. Can't get a thing done while sleeping "normally", but sleep deprivation does the trick. There's some logic for you.

In other news, I've kept in regular contact with Daniel and he appears to be capable of holding himself together while not drunk, which is quite the relief. We've also made plans regarding Timo's Christmas present and he has agreed to spend Christmas with me and my family, so all's pretty cool on that front.

Now for the most exciting part, except I'm kidding: THE FREAKING TRASH CONTAINERS ARE BACK. I only discovered it early this morning, sneaking around in the dark of night again. That was also quite the relief. I remain puzzled as to why they were ever gone in the first place, but I guess I will never find out. XD I'm just glad I can take out my trash whenever I wish again.

Revelations

Sunday, December 4th, 2011 12:49 pm
faevii: (happiness)
Yesterday afternoon I had three good ideas. One was to call my mother and tell her about the Daniel situation (I apologise for the reference to a locked post in a public one), because she seemed like a safe person to talk to about it. I mean, he's probably never going to find out that I told her unless I admit it myself, so ... no harm done, right? I just needed to tell someone. We didn't continue our discussion from the last time we talked, but that was alright, too. It's still in the back of my head and I'm going to bring it up again sooner or later.

Incidentally, another of the ideas was related to that. I'd been unsure of what exactly to say to her and then it suddenly came to me. (This was before I called her, I think - or was it? I don't remember, but it wouldn't have made a difference. There wasn't enough time for both topics because she had stuff to do.) It's very simple: I am going to use the example that if you take two equally ambitious people and give them the exact same goal (which they are equally enthusiastic about) as well as the exact same obstacle to overcome in order to reach it, there is still a chance that one will succeed and one won't. Now, exchange the obstacle for a different one and maybe this time their roles will be reversed. Because it's not about motivation! People have unique strengths and weaknesses and if your problem happens to be something that you're bad at dealing with, it doesn't matter how much you want to overcome it. You will need time or help at the very least, if not both, and perhaps you'll have to change goals entirely. There. Try to argue with that. :P

(I get ridiculously excited when I discover a new way to explain something. I like to think of people who don't understand things as puzzles to solve. Getting closer to solving them is even more fun than finding the solution to an actual problem! Oh gods I just used my brain and it worked oh gods I can still be smart sometimes alert the fucking media I feel amazing oh gods.)

((This is exactly why my mother once suggested I become a lawyer.))

(((I do not wish to become a lawyer. I'd rather solve puzzles that don't involve arbitrary human-made laws, thanks.)))

third idea cut for overall post length; sleep schedule stuff )

So I set my alarm to 8, went to bed at 6, needed to hit the "snooze" button three times despite having slept for 14 hours, and finally crawled out of bed feeling terrible physically but extremely pleased with myself. :D
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
Change of plans. I decided to spend some time getting stuff done instead of going to bed ridiculously early. It was probably a bad idea, but then again ... I hardly did a thing during the last two days, so there was catching up to do. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle that tomorrow, if my past reactions to sleeping "normally" are anything to go by. It always seems to make me feel like crap in the physical sense, to be honest. I can think more clearly and have less trouble writing, but don't ask me to get up from my chair! Ugh.

I'll just ... stay awake again and continue as planned tomorrow? Hopefully this time I won't fall asleep on my chair. How do I even do that all the time?! It's not exactly comfortable ...

One of the things that I did was to buy a lot of food. I decided that it was time to move on from being all tentative about gluten-containing stuff by now, even though I still wouldn't say I'm convinced that I can eat it. What if the whole dilemma with the debilitating stomach cramps and you don't want to know what else suddenly does start up again? What if it takes a month for that to happen? It's not impossible, so I remain skeptical. But for now I am going to eat normally and thus I found myself faced with an abundance of ~OPTIONS~ at the supermarket. It was so hard not to buy everything at once! Dairy, too. I mostly walked around with a kind of dazed smile on my face, staring at the shelves in amazement but unable to decide what to reacquaint myself with first. XD I guess I did all right in the end. There will be spagetti later!!

Something funny happened when I walked past the ice cream section. I didn't intend to buy any, but had a look anyway. I spotted a brand that I remembered to be relatively cheap but delicious, and suddenly I found myself missing Daniel a whole lot. o.O I guess we used to ... sort of bond over food? I secretly loved it when he unexpectedly brought home something unnecessary but awesome like ice cream, even though I wished he did it less often because of the money. I actually did the same thing myself when I was the one to do the shopping, though usually with cheaper items and not as many at a time. And then if we were lucky enough to get the chance, we'd sit down with our "special" food and watch a movie or something. It was quite nice.

Not that we couldn't still do this, especially now that my dietary restrictions are seemingly gone. We simply need to remember to meet up for such evenings from time to time. :) He's looking for a new place though; I hope he finds one in this town and doesn't have to move away ...

LOL (literally)

Thursday, October 21st, 2010 04:45 pm
faevii: (raised eyebrow)
I originally tried to squeeze this into 140 characters, but then Twitter ate the message and I realised that I hadn't been very successful at making myself clear anyway, so it goes here now. The long(er) version.

Daniel just said to me, "You're not going to spend the rest of the day laughing again, are you? Because, I mean, laughing is good and all, but yesterday it was a bit much."

And the strange part is, he has a point. How absurd is that. Last night I actually managed to laugh so much that I ended up feeling slightly sorry for the poor guy at the other end of the room, who obviously had no idea what was so funny.

Thank you, internet. XD

Rah rah rah.

Saturday, October 9th, 2010 03:19 pm
faevii: (eff yoo)
I just had a bit of an argument with Daniel while his father was watching Timo in the next room. I hate that I felt like I had to speak quietly or else he might have come in and defended Daniel's position. I hate that whenever something bad happens while anyone is here, I have to avoid appearing upset because I know that if they asked me what was wrong, I wouldn't be able to tell them the truth.

Sure, I have done it before. When I told Daniel's mother that I was angry with her son for being slightly racist at times, she launched into a long, useless rant about how clearly not all immigrants are bad, which he already agrees with. Way to miss the point! And yet, that sort of thing is the most harmless reaction I can feasibly hope for. With another person, about another topic? I don't even want to imagine what might happen.

If you complain about racism in public, most people will probably pretend to agree with you even if they don't. "Everyone knows" that racism is bad, so disagreeing would get you labelled a bad person, and nobody wants that, right? But the same doesn't necessarily apply to all other -isms and -phobias yet, and one person visiting another in his private home is not even that public a situation! If that silly ex-girlfriend who just hasn't managed to move out yet is the only person who will end up with an unfavourable opinion of you, so what?

There is the subtle racism. There's homophobia and transphobia. Internalised or unconscious ableism. Outdated notions of how to raise children. I'd mention sexism and sizeism as well if the thought didn't make me want to LOL out of a sense of sheer futility. I call out all of these in private, if I can reasonably assume that the person I'm talking to likes me enough to listen and is worth the effort - but if someone's around who is more likely to make fun of me for it than to pay any actual attention to what I'm saying? I'm not that strong. I'm almost constantly either in pain, sleep-deprived or both. That would be bad enough in itself even if I did not have to deal with Daniel's fail all the time, but I do and thus the mere presence of yet another fail-y person makes me want to run.

Never mind that most of them already think I'm ridiculous because I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke and insist that my allergies are real. The nerve!
faevii: (colours and dreams)
I'm feeling unsafe today. I don't even have the vocabulary to explain my own existence, so I might as well not be real.

"I didn't know I spent several years in a relationship with someone who can't handle being around people like me," I said. A blank look. I don't understand. Since when have you been a part of the group I was just talking about?

I have no words. Not in the only language he speaks, anyway. But this is the country I'm in, this is the language I have to use to defend myself in critical situations. In this country, I don't exist.

Clearly you can handle being around me just fine, despite the fact that I am, in a way, exactly the type of person you seem to perceive as such a threat.

Oh, excuse me. How could I forget that I pass for normal? None of this is supposed to concern me, right? How silly of me to be offended when you were clearly not talking about me.

Sometimes if a duck neither looks like duck nor quacks like a duck, it'll still be alarmed when you announce your disapproval of the entire pond.

Lots of Chaos

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 05:29 pm
faevii: (Default)
I just accidentally went into town for nothing because I had, in essence, forgotten that I didn't have any money yet. The exact circumstances that led to this strange mistake were a little more complicated than that, of course, but attempting to explain all that would probably turn this into the most pointless entry of epic proportions I have ever written. Not to mention the most boring one, unless you find detailed descriptions of my convoluted thought processes unexpectedly entertaining. Let's just say I know exactly what went wrong there. Nothing beats my internal logic! Or selective memory, rather.

In other news, Daniel and Timo are in Berlin now. There's a convoluted story behind that, too ... I don't quite get it myself. All I know is that he was planning to spend a few days there three weeks from now, without Timo (Daniel's mother had offered to watch over him during that time), then yesterday he suddenly started to talk about leaving at once, taking Timo with him and staying a whole month, but in the end it was decided that the two of them would go together today, come back in a week, and additionally we'd stick to the original plan anyway. I'm confused, too. o.O

I'm quite enjoying the peace and quiet, lack of money and food aside. Tomorrow I'll go shopping for real and the day after that I'll go again because someone will be able to drive me then so I can get some of the larger and heavier things. I hope that by Saturday I'll also have managed to get enough of the necessary housework done that I'll be able to mostly relax for the rest of the time.

I've been working on that in the most disorganised fashion, doing whatever caught my eye whenever I felt like it, never even stopping to make sure that I finished one thing before I started the next - or doing the most important stuff first, for that matter. This strategy, or rather lack thereof, turned out to be surprisingly effective. Interesting.

They'll return right on my birthday, which is funny. Considering that I'll probably be missing Timo quite a lot by then, it'll be like I'm getting him back for a present. :)

Strange Luck

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010 10:08 pm
faevii: (faithful silliness)
Daniel just befriended the guy who came to fix a malfunctioning part of our computer. Can I please have friends delivered to my doorstep like that, too?? He didn't even have to leave the house!

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faevii: (Default)
Lin

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