Thursday, October 27th, 2011 05:57 pm
faevii: (creepy irish ninja cat)
A few days ago, a post about what it's like to be aromantic popped up on my Tumblr dashboard. I found it an interesting read because I am basically the opposite of aromantic. It's not just that I develop romantic attraction easily - I am also nearly incapable of loving people platonically. Once I cross that line between liking and loving someone, chances are I will instantly get a crush on them, too.

For the longest time I had so much trouble imagining platonic love that I came up with all kinds of strategies for it. I tried to compare it to loving a family member, but discovered that I didn't actually love* my family. I tried to think of friends that I had never fallen in love with, but only found a few that I hadn't loved at all. I wondered what it was like to be gay or straight, i.e. monosexual, and how a monosexual person might feel about friends of the gender they were not attracted to. It was impossible.

Several things have changed since then. For example, I am now familiar with the love between a parent and a child. I actually feel somewhat similarly about my siblings, too ... but I'm telling you, if they were my age? I'd probably be so unlucky as to fall in love with one of them. >_< Then there is the matter of Daniel. Our relationship is still complicated, but not awkward. I don't think it would be inaccurate to call him my best friend now. There is a small amount of romantic feelings left, I guess, but only the tiniest hint, and mostly he is family to me. Like a brother? Perhaps. I never understood that expression before.

So this is a new experience, and I think I may also be learning to love people more easily, which would increase the chances of some of that love being platonic. I still have that annoying tendency to find anyone and everyone attractive, though. I very nearly developed a crush on someone my mother's age at the hospital. o.O

It's kind of ironic that at the same time I am almost asexual. But lately I have been getting the impression that my entire existence is kind of ironic, so whatever. :D (Contradictions everywhere! I don't care.)

*Yeah, I know. I also have a post coming up that is mostly about what a weird child I was ...
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
While I'm awake anyway, I figure I might as well get this unwritten post out of my system before it becomes obsolete like the last one. (Yeah. The one I kept alluding to in my subject lines. That happened.)

One day at the hospital, I spent several hours working on a diagram that was supposed to explain the relationships between my various symptoms, how they influenced each other and which belonged together as a group. I nearly gave up in frustration once or twice, but in the end I was quite proud of the result. I thought I had it all sorted.

When I look at that piece of paper now, I can only shake my head. This is a thing that happens to me on a frighteningly regular basis. Another example is my "level three craziness" tag, which I didn't feel the need to use for a while and then I forgot under which conditions exactly I used to do so. A few days ago I tried to figure this out by reading the entries that were already tagged with it, but I discovered that what had appeared to be a connected set of circumstances to me at the time was now nothing but a completely random assortment of unrelated things anymore. I still don't quite understand why I thought they were one big issue back then.

Today - er, I mean yesterday - as I was walking into town to get groceries, I spontaneously came up with a much simpler method of describing the mess in my head than that blasted diagram. I mean, I was surprised to find that I could suddenly keep track of everything without having to resort to colour-coded categories and a complex arrangement of arrows. It's hardly more than a list now, really. :)

Behind the cut follows, of course, the list. )

So that was that. I had to leave out the concentration thingie because I still don't have a clue what causes it. I'm not currently experiencing it, by the way - it just disappeared one day and hasn't returned since. Of course I can't concentrate well when I'm extremely tired, but the rest of the time I don't have much trouble anymore.

Furniture & Gender

Saturday, July 30th, 2011 11:49 pm
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
So we went to IKEA and I got stuff. Yay! Now I only need to unpack all of these things and put them together ... as soon as someone can lend me the tools required for that. Daniel should have the basics, but anything that involves drilling holes into my walls might have to wait until my mother has time to help again. Well. Slow progress is still progress.

When we bought lunch, an employee thought I was a guy. Ha! :D I have no idea how that could have even happened, but it was awesome. Of course my mother immediately corrected her and then jokingly suggested that I should grow my hair long again ... I think she was even trying to reassure me, saying things like "It was only because you looked so serious while you tried to decide what to eat." Oh man. XD I should really find a way to inform her of all the many things that she doesn't know about me ...

This reminds me. A few weeks ago, while I didn't have internet, I walked past a group of teenage girls on my way into town. I got the feeling that they looked at me funny and braced myself for some sort of comment, but none came. At first. Once I'd gone past, I suddenly heard a voice shout after me, "Hey! Are you a boy or a girl?" I barely made it out of earshot before I burst out laughing. Haha. It was quite the puzzle, actually - few of my clothes look extremely feminine or anything, but none are completely unisex, either. You can always tell that they're from the women's department, at the very least. I sincerely doubted it was a genuine question; I figured they were probably just trying to annoy me.

Well, that plan certainly backfired. It made my day. XD

(The words "girl" and "boy" were another source of amusement, of course. Does everyone think I'm underage, or what?! Do I really look that young? Not that I mind.)

It's almost frightening how happy these things make me. I never thought they would, which is why I didn't purposely aim for that effect. If I did anything to make them happen, it wasn't a conscious effort at all. :S


faevii: (Default)

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