Ambitions

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010 04:27 pm
faevii: (Default)
Having a totally random moment of "Fuck, lots of people out there who aren't me have things like work experience and an education." And I mean that in the sense of wanting the experience, not feeling inferior or anything. Which is weird because I don't even remember the last time I had a thought like that. I guess I was distracted by all the stuff I learned through the internet? And too busy fighting off other problems to really pay attention to what I might be missing out on, of course.

I love learning. If I hadn't enjoyed going to school so much, I wouldn't have made half the effort I did to stay in it. Even when I realised that I hadn't attended a single chemistry lesson for a month* and the only reason why I wasn't failing everything yet was that the teachers felt sorry for me, I still made an effort. I still dragged myself to school two or three days a week and spent the others sitting at home being miserable because I wanted to go.

Several people I had almost forgotten about added me on Facebook recently. Usually I feel slightly embarrassed when they ask me what I've been up to because it's very hard to answer that without coming across as either trying to garner sympathy or being a total loser.

Today all I feel is envy.

I always wanted to attend a university one day. Never really got around to deciding what exactly I'd like to study, but there were so many things I considered. So much knowledge. I wanted to find out more about anything and everything. I wanted to find cures for diseases and invent things and become a translator or possibly a lawyer. Money was always on the back of my mind, a chronic fear that I wouldn't be able to get a good job without further education, but my main motivation was still curiosity.

... I'm starting to sound like a certain fictional character here. Yikes.

Anyway, the point is that I'm suddenly all jealous of People Who Know Things. Ever since I made the choice to get my own place, I've had this secret plan to spend most of my free time reading books on whichever random subjects that interest me I'll be able to find in the library once I've moved out. And finally teaching myself how to draw properly. It's a bit silly because I feel like I'm once again waiting for some Big Change to happen before I can start doing what I want to, but I really don't have the energy, patience or money to do much right now and I'm reasonably sure that most of that will change.

*And it was one of my favourite subjects, too. For a while we only had chemistry on Wednesdays and during that month my worst days always happened to be Wednesdays. Yes, I'm still bitter about it. Fucking Wednesdays.
faevii: (Default)
Excuse me, I'm on a personality test rampage. I've always wanted to do one of those, but somehow never did:

Click to view my Personality Profile page

I LOL'd. Note that I scored so low on "interpersonal" (not to be confused with "intrapersonal") that it's NOT EVEN ON THERE. XD (20%, as the full results page informed me.) I may not approve of IQ tests, but this is awesome. And hilarious. At least if you consider that it basically appears to be saying, "I like WORDS and NUMBERS and MUSIC and MYSELF ... oh, and also pretty things and nature and movement. Other people? What's that? Can you eat it? How does it work??"

But then you've got the "personality type" tests that will tell you I'm very nice, peaceful, loyal, caring and so on. Which sums up all of my problems with human interaction, really. I care almost too much, I'm just crap at expressing it.

(And evidently I enjoy interpreting meaningless internet tests in such a way that they seem to explain my entire life.)

I have decided, by the way, that my personality type is I[joker][joker][joker]. Honestly, nothing but the I ever stays the same for long and it even makes sense. As I just mentioned on Tumblr, where I for some reason decided to post one of the other tests I did, I've been through almost every single type-starting-with-an-I in existence. If the results are displayed as percentages, everything but the I is usually close to the 50% mark. At the moment ISFP feels right, but so did INTJ at some point in time!

... I feel like one of those characters in RPGs who are moderately good at everything, but don't really excel at anything, so you can make use of them in any situation if you have to, but will probably switch them out for someone else eventually. >.< A jack of all trades - I've always liked that phrase.

Maybe this even explains why I have managed to "accidentally imitate" such vastly different people without realising it. If you start out in the middle, you never have to stray that far. IDK. Why am I even still awake.

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Lin

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