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"explain the art of your madness"
While I'm awake anyway, I figure I might as well get this unwritten post out of my system before it becomes obsolete like the last one. (Yeah. The one I kept alluding to in my subject lines. That happened.)
One day at the hospital, I spent several hours working on a diagram that was supposed to explain the relationships between my various symptoms, how they influenced each other and which belonged together as a group. I nearly gave up in frustration once or twice, but in the end I was quite proud of the result. I thought I had it all sorted.
When I look at that piece of paper now, I can only shake my head. This is a thing that happens to me on a frighteningly regular basis. Another example is my "level three craziness" tag, which I didn't feel the need to use for a while and then I forgot under which conditions exactly I used to do so. A few days ago I tried to figure this out by reading the entries that were already tagged with it, but I discovered that what had appeared to be a connected set of circumstances to me at the time was now nothing but a completely random assortment of unrelated things anymore. I still don't quite understand why I thought they were one big issue back then.
Today - er, I mean yesterday - as I was walking into town to get groceries, I spontaneously came up with a much simpler method of describing the mess in my head than that blasted diagram. I mean, I was surprised to find that I could suddenly keep track of everythingwithout having to resort to colour-coded categories and a complex arrangement of arrows. It's hardly more than a list now, really. :)
1. At the core, or at the bottom of the pile if you will, is what I suspect to be a personality disorder or similarly all-encompassing condition; a general tendency to perceive, process and interact with the world in a strange manner. This is probably also the reason why people can't read my body language and misunderstand half of what I say.
2. Secondly, there's what I recently called an unusual manifestation of OCD. I can't say for sure whether that's what it is, but it does involve obsessions and compulsions. It is directly influenced by the above, which would explain why it's unusual. I think what may have happened is that at some point my strange little brain needed a coping mechanism and came up with a typically bizarre one, which then took on a life of its own over the years.
3. Next we've got something that I wouldn't call a whole separate condition, but rather a single symptom that is caused by the combined powers of points 1 and 2. (What? :P I am incapable of ever being 100% serious.) It's what I attempted to describe in this post and then expanded on in a community later that day, in case anyone's interested. It feels like some sort of brain glitch and my new tag for it is "reality being wibbly-wobbly". Sadly I've been getting this a lot lately.
4. The fourth level of the pile consists of mood swings (I still haven't ruled out Bipolar Disorder, but again, I can't know anything for sure). These are mostly unrelated to what I've mentioned so far - there is some interaction, but only of the "sometimes X makes Y worse or vice versa" kind. While everything else is sort of intertwined, this just got added on top. Might be the reason for my insomnia; definitely affects it.
5. And finally, there's the panic. Or anxiety. Or both. Can be caused or made worse by any of the above. I'm not yet sure whether it ever occurs independently. Like #3, I don't consider this to be its own Thing. It's just a reaction to everything else.
[end problem pile]
So that was that. I had to leave out the concentration thingie because I still don't have a clue what causes it. I'm not currently experiencing it, by the way - it just disappeared one day and hasn't returned since. Of course I can't concentrate well when I'm extremely tired, but the rest of the time I don't have much trouble anymore.
One day at the hospital, I spent several hours working on a diagram that was supposed to explain the relationships between my various symptoms, how they influenced each other and which belonged together as a group. I nearly gave up in frustration once or twice, but in the end I was quite proud of the result. I thought I had it all sorted.
When I look at that piece of paper now, I can only shake my head. This is a thing that happens to me on a frighteningly regular basis. Another example is my "level three craziness" tag, which I didn't feel the need to use for a while and then I forgot under which conditions exactly I used to do so. A few days ago I tried to figure this out by reading the entries that were already tagged with it, but I discovered that what had appeared to be a connected set of circumstances to me at the time was now nothing but a completely random assortment of unrelated things anymore. I still don't quite understand why I thought they were one big issue back then.
Today - er, I mean yesterday - as I was walking into town to get groceries, I spontaneously came up with a much simpler method of describing the mess in my head than that blasted diagram. I mean, I was surprised to find that I could suddenly keep track of everything
1. At the core, or at the bottom of the pile if you will, is what I suspect to be a personality disorder or similarly all-encompassing condition; a general tendency to perceive, process and interact with the world in a strange manner. This is probably also the reason why people can't read my body language and misunderstand half of what I say.
2. Secondly, there's what I recently called an unusual manifestation of OCD. I can't say for sure whether that's what it is, but it does involve obsessions and compulsions. It is directly influenced by the above, which would explain why it's unusual. I think what may have happened is that at some point my strange little brain needed a coping mechanism and came up with a typically bizarre one, which then took on a life of its own over the years.
3. Next we've got something that I wouldn't call a whole separate condition, but rather a single symptom that is caused by the combined powers of points 1 and 2. (What? :P I am incapable of ever being 100% serious.) It's what I attempted to describe in this post and then expanded on in a community later that day, in case anyone's interested. It feels like some sort of brain glitch and my new tag for it is "reality being wibbly-wobbly". Sadly I've been getting this a lot lately.
4. The fourth level of the pile consists of mood swings (I still haven't ruled out Bipolar Disorder, but again, I can't know anything for sure). These are mostly unrelated to what I've mentioned so far - there is some interaction, but only of the "sometimes X makes Y worse or vice versa" kind. While everything else is sort of intertwined, this just got added on top. Might be the reason for my insomnia; definitely affects it.
5. And finally, there's the panic. Or anxiety. Or both. Can be caused or made worse by any of the above. I'm not yet sure whether it ever occurs independently. Like #3, I don't consider this to be its own Thing. It's just a reaction to everything else.
[end problem pile]
So that was that. I had to leave out the concentration thingie because I still don't have a clue what causes it. I'm not currently experiencing it, by the way - it just disappeared one day and hasn't returned since. Of course I can't concentrate well when I'm extremely tired, but the rest of the time I don't have much trouble anymore.