I've been busy. Around the turn of the year, I spent a lovely four days with friends. I slept on N's sofa, and for one night their twin joined me. Another friend hung out with us on the 31st, but didn't stay overnight. It was all very chill. :)

so i just realised something: i don't need to decide between pillowfort and dreamwidth - i can simply use both. if i crosspost all my original content, it will be safe no matter what happens to pillowfort, but i will also get to enjoy reblogs and photo posts, which dreamwidth doesn't have.

the question is, can this be automated or will i have to copy-paste everything manually?

i used to have a system for tumblr-to-dreamwidth crossposts via IFTTT and dreamwidth's email post function. that won't work here, but if pillowfort implemented email posting as well, i could simply send the same email to both recipients. alternatively, crossposting via IFTTT again would require pillowfort to support it - or perhaps it's more that IFTTT would need to support PF; not sure what exactly happens behind the scenes when they add a new service. IFTTT does have a handy "suggest a service" button so maybe it's that simple??

finally, the most convenient option ever would be a native crossposting feature. i'm guessing this won't happen anytime soon though.

in the meantime i will think of ways to make the copy-pasting process as painless as possible, for which i've already got an idea but only on desktop. i'm just ... really invested in this idea of a Better Place Than Tumblr, suddenly. it drew me away from dreamwidth by being easy to use even when i didn't have the spoons to type much, with its multimedia posts and reblogs. but i did still make a lot of personal posts in the early years and by now i regret how public it all was.

i'm excited to have per-post security settings back. i'm excited to BE back, blogging.

My therapist has recommended that I apply for disability. I was surprised by the way she said it, as if she wouldn't suggest this to just anyone. I mean, she's barely talked to me a handful of times and she already believes that my problems are pretty serious?? I ... I don't quite know how to process that. I'm used to wasting a lot of time trying to convince people I'm not exaggerating.

She brought it up because she thinks there might be a boarding school for people with disabilities that I could attend after all - great news if it's true, but she wasn't sure if there were age restrictions. I'm supposed to inquire at the labour office, which ... okay. Somehow I doubt they'll be of much help? But they wanted to see me anyway, so I'm waiting to be sent an invitation. In the meantime I can tell Mrs D about this new turn of events and ask her how to do that whole disability thing.

I don't know how I got here from thinking I could move to Hamburg and go to a normal school.

I'm feeling restless and anxious and I thought maybe writing about it would help. I don't know what the reason is, though. I've been feeling that way a lot since my tablet broke a few days ago, but I'm not sure if those things are related. Right now I would not be capable of doing anything on the tablet, anyway. I'm too tired to concentrate and yet there's that feeling of ... "Cannot go to bed yet. Something more important than sleep demands my attention, but fuck if I know what it is."

I haven't felt this way in a long time. There were some days on which I didn't want to sleep because I was simply too awake, especially while I sat around unable to walk (long story short: I sprained my ankle), but I'm tired right now. I just feel like something's not right with the world and I need to set it right before I can go to bed.

I guess in the end it doesn't matter. I've taken my pills and sooner or later I'll be too tired to protest anymore. But unlike yesterday, when I expected nothing worse than a bewildering dream or two, today I'm feeling a little apprehensive about the prospect of sleeping thanks to the manner in which I woke up this morning.

You know how I occasionally have this problem where I wake up and find I cannot move, and that my heart is beating as if I were terrified, except I am not and even if I were I wouldn't know why? (I don't get nightmares often and anyway this doesn't seem to be a fear thing.) I always assumed it would stop once I got my insomnia under control, but in retrospect that doesn't make any sense. Why did I assume that just because both had to do with sleep, one must be a side effect of the other? How is chronic insomnia even supposed to cause anything like that? I mean, I also considered that it might be another kind of random panic attack or related to the fibromyalgia, but in any case my point is I never regarded it as a problem of its own. I never realised the impact it had on my life. The only times I paid any attention to it at all was when it happened while I was in hospital and I suddenly had to explain it to other people. I guess I took the fact that none of them reacted alarmed as "confirmation" that it was probably only another weird psychosomatic symptom.

Well, I'm starting to think it is NOT psychosomatic, because not only do I currently feel better overall than I have in years, but there has never been a pattern, never any kind of correlation between my emotions or situation and those incidents. And this morning it fucked up my mental state pretty thoroughly - it wasn't the other way around. It just happened, and then I felt shaken and weakened and regretful about having missed the whole morning. Maybe that's even why I'm so anxious now, because I'm worried it's a physical thing and oh gods please not another round of "let's find a doctor who will actually take this seriously and perhaps even find the cause". That was awful enough the last time around and I didn't even get anything out of it aside from the ability to say "well I also have fibromyalgia". None of the treatments I tried then helped and the one thing that eventually did help, years later, was given to me by a psychiatrist of all people.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what's got me so worried. I feel a little less restless now that I've written it down. I just ... ugh. I don't even know where to start. I could try describing it to my GP in such a way that there'd be a chance of him saying "You're right, that's weird and I'm not sure it's part of your anxiety problem." But then he would have to start referring me to other doctors and oh man. Not that again. I've made so many bad experiences with orthopedists and neurologists. What kind of doctor would it be this time? Cardiologists? Also neurologists?? Something I haven't even heard of???

ugh can everything just go away

One of the most interesting things I have learned about Norse mythology lately is that Loki predates the Asgardian pantheon. He was originally associated with hearthfire and believed to be one of the three beings who created the first humans. He gave them the gift of blood and, well, pretty much everything that makes us humans human. When people started regarding him as a sort of honorary Asgardian, as Odin's blood brother, this was reflected in references to "his past in Jotunheim", where he had a wife and children whom he apparently abandoned when he moved to Asgard to live among the new gods.

I'm still a little unclear on whether "hrimthurs", the word that approximately means "frost giant(s)", has anything to do with actual frost, because from what I've gathered this was indeed Loki's race and I don't know how to make sense of him being the god of hearthfire in that context. Maybe it only refers to how they were created? I don't remember that part very well. (Note to self: re-research how the frost giants came into existence.)

Another interesting thing is that as far as I can tell, modern pagans are the only people who imagine him with red hair...? At first I assumed that came from the original myths, but then I learned that Thor was often referred to as "the red-haired god" and you'd think with how often those two went on adventures together, it would have been mentioned if their hair colours matched. :P But IDK. My sources could be wrong.

Then there is this (quoted from a blog):

The rune that corresponds to Loki is the sixth rune, Kaunaz (also romanised as Kennaz, Kenaz), the rune of illumination, knowledge, and kinship. Kaunaz had both positive and negative implications, much like Loki's propensity for both mischief and aid.

Kaunaz is translated as torch, and is also associated with the hearth, as was Loki in his earlier role in mythology. It was indicative of sudden intuition and understanding, insight, cunning, and creative thinking – Loki's most prominent qualities. It also represented many aspects of Loki's personality: enthusiasm, opportunism, mischievousness, transformation, arrogance, and passion. On a more physical level, it would indicate improved health, but could also symbolise burning pain, fever, or ulcers.

That last bit is kind of hilarious to me because I am remarkably healthy in some ways while simultaneously suffering from pain and fever-like conditions. Well, that and allergies. It's just funny that this same contradiction would also exist in the meaning of an old symbol. XD

One essay I read called Loki "the spirit of paradox", which is ALSO hilarious because a few months ago I started making these jokes on Tumblr about being a living paradox. Except I was being perfectly serious at the same time, which nicely demonstrates my point. I think the way the joke evolved was, I announced that I was ALWAYS EXACTLY 50% SERIOUS and the same applied to this very statement. Then I realised that what I'd just said was some variation of the "all Cretans are liars" paradox. I meant it, though. I am totally half serious and half joking when I say that I am always half serious and half joking. :P

On Saturday I went to this Renaissance fair type thing in my town and nearly bought a pendant with the Kaunaz rune on it. It was labelled either "creativity" or "inspiration", I forget which, and that would have appealed to me even without the Loki thing. Only it was made of copper and I fucking hate the smell of that stuff, so nope. Now I want to make one of my own from polymer clay. It fits me perfectly: a mix of things that I am, things I aspire to and things I like in other people. Things I have and things I need. More contradictions. My entire life is one big contradiction.

I have been back for almost a week now and I have to say that while the first few days were great, since yesterday I've been incredibly tired. I haven't really done anything yet today and I can't bring myself to start now, either. I basically want to go to bed already. It's not even six.

Two days ago I saw Timo, which was mostly awesome and I don't think it has anything to do with this. Perhaps being alone all day affects me negatively or I can't handle the lack of structure in my life. Or maybe I simply haven't been sleeping well??

Maybe I sleep too much. If I do go to bed early tonight, I'll definitely set my alarm earlier as well. There's nothing to get up early for, but I know I like being awake in the morning. I dunno. Somehow things have to go back to normal.

I've had a surprisingly family-themed weekend.

Yesterday I picked up my brother at this town's train station to hang out and have "a coffee or something", which in my case turned out to be iced chocolate. It went really well and I definitely want to do it again, not just with him but also with M when she returns from Hungary.

The one part that left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth was when he asked me why exactly I'm in hospital and I just mumbled something about panic attacks. I didn't know what to say at all. This is not a topic I can speak freely about with a 15-year-old ... or anyone in the family, really. :/

Then today, my mother came to visit. We went into town as well, by car, and ended up at a different ice cream place. It was mostly pleasant, too. But - with my mother there's always a but.

One time I spilled a tear because I felt she was accusing me of the same old thing as she always used to: that if I truly cared about my goals, I would be making progress towards them already; therefore I must not be as invested in them as I think, and now the next step is to find my ~real~ goal so I will be motivated enough to finally get somewhere. Well, fuck you, too. :|

It's funny how I only need to spell it out like that and she'll immediately backtrack, nope, that wasn't what I meant, no sir, nothing to see here. Then she makes a suggestion that is actually useful and it's like it never happened. @_@

At another point I kind of complained about being surrounded by strange, sick people and she took this as a clue to tell me how much I didn't belong in a mental hospital. I just made some non-committal noise while thinking, "IF YOU ONLY KNEW." In other words, same situation as with L. Sigh.

The useful suggestions were good, though, and I reminded her that I wanted to know more about our family history. This time she wrote it down.

I came back from both events kind of motivated and sad. Odd combination, but no surprise when dealing with my family ...

I only realised a few days ago that I announced I was back and then stopped posting for weeks. Sorry about that. The reason, as those who follow me on Tumblr should know and most who follow me on Twitter will have figured out as well, is that I was only home for three and a half days.

On Friday I came back, on Saturday I had a panic attack, on Sunday I hurt myself again and Monday morning I decided that allowing me to leave had practically been criminal negligence.

I then spent what was left of the morning and part of the afternoon trying to reach anyone who might help me figure out what to do next, only got A's holiday/sickness replacement again and eventually ended up in the /other/ hospital. You know, where I last was in 2011. [{(Tommy.)]}

I'm still there now, hence the email-posting. Will make another entry later, about how it's going.

Packing is suddenly going much easier now that I know I am actually leaving. Which, yay! But I will probably have to spend a few days in a random ward where nobody knows me because ten minutes after they told me they had a free bed, they called again to say that there was an emergency and the bed wasn't free anymore. @_@

Whatever, I just want to get this over with. See you in a week or two.

I had another strange experience yesterday. Er, that is, *checks the time* two days ago now. You know, of the "where do I know the name Anders from" kind, if anybody remembers that? (Do I have a tag for it?? Haha would be good if I knew that, huh?) ... Okay, I just went looking for that post, but only found the last time I mentioned not being able to find it. LOL. That one's relevant as well, though. Seeing as this is about Loki yet again. e_e

I've been reading this excellent fanfiction series centered around him for several days now (and I've almost reached the end *cries*). The last part I read was kind of a humorous interlude in which he basically just ... played a benevolent prank on someone for the lulz. And the strange thing is that at some point I caught myself thinking, "Aww, man, I miss this side of him so much." In reaction to which my next conscious thought was, "Wait, what?? Miss this?! From when?? From WHAT???" o_O I still have no idea. I mean, obviously I've read other fanfics that featured scenarios like that one, but those weren't what I meant! At all!

I briefly considered that I might have been thinking of a different, similar character, but I then I went through my mental inventory of every character I've ever loved and none of them fit the profile.

What the fuck is happening here?! It was creepy enough the first two times, and this is more than just déjà vu. I know what that feels like and this is not it. This is a sense of having lost something important. Something from a long time ago. Its absence makes my heart hurt. I don't understand. :S