Guess what? I've discovered a whole new way for my insomnia to present itself! As if I needed another one. -_- But then, it's not even entirely useless ... I have to admit that I'm relatively happy with how this week's been going so far, compared to other possible outcomes.

Basically I got out of bed on Monday morning and haven't been in it again since. o.O During the first night I didn't sleep at all, although I dozed off for a short while in the morning (less than an hour), then yesterday an accidental chair nap of epic proportions happened (I'm not sure how long it was exactly, but I wouldn't be surprised if it amounted to almost as much as a full night's sleep) and today was kind of similar, I think, except this time I completely lost track.

So how can that be good? Well. For one thing, I got stuff done. Not much of the kind of stuff that requires thinking or going outside, but stuff like dishes and laundry and occasionally even a bit of cooking. I am also expecting an important phone call, obviously (since the 15th has passed), and I have no idea when that's going to happen. If it takes you until the morning to get tired enough to sleep, but you don't want to risk missing a call, then having the option to nap even on an uncomfortable chair can be quite the relief! At least if you're anything like me. >.<

Sometime today or yesterday I did get a call from A in the middle of a nap and I found talking much easier than if I'd been woken up from deeper sleep. Plus I loved that I could just turn back around and ... I don't know, this is actually quite hard to explain ...

I think the key difference is that I'm not making an effort to sleep as much as possible in one go. So it doesn't matter if I'm hungry or need to pee, I might as well nap for half an hour before I decide whether to do something about it. And then for another if the answer is "no" at the moment. There's also none of the commitment to being awake or asleep that comes with brushing one's teeth and changing in or out of pyjamas, therefore it's perfectly fine if I decide to sleep and then can't - I'll just raise my head back up and continue browsing the internet. Or go to the bathroom. Nothing needs to be done in any particular order, there are no calculations, the time of day is almost irrelevant and I can go directly from napping to doing something useful if I feel like it. Normally I never manage to get anything done during the first hour after waking up.

Of course this is not at all healthy, however, and I'm not planning to continue with it on purpose. Tonight I'll stay awake once again for a number of probably silly reasons, but after 8 am I won't allow myself to nap anymore so that I won't have any trouble falling asleep when I finally go to bed. Which will be early in case I end up sleeping for ages. <_< I wish I had a sofa or at least a more comfortable chair, though ... the discomfort may be part of the reason why this works, but it sure as hell can't be good for my back. Looking forward to getting some true rest tomorrow.

Yesterday afternoon I had three good ideas. One was to call my mother and tell her about the Daniel situation (I apologise for the reference to a locked post in a public one), because she seemed like a safe person to talk to about it. I mean, he's probably never going to find out that I told her unless I admit it myself, so ... no harm done, right? I just needed to tell someone. We didn't continue our discussion from the last time we talked, but that was alright, too. It's still in the back of my head and I'm going to bring it up again sooner or later.

Incidentally, another of the ideas was related to that. I'd been unsure of what exactly to say to her and then it suddenly came to me. (This was before I called her, I think - or was it? I don't remember, but it wouldn't have made a difference. There wasn't enough time for both topics because she had stuff to do.) It's very simple: I am going to use the example that if you take two equally ambitious people and give them the exact same goal (which they are equally enthusiastic about) as well as the exact same obstacle to overcome in order to reach it, there is still a chance that one will succeed and one won't. Now, exchange the obstacle for a different one and maybe this time their roles will be reversed. Because it's not about motivation! People have unique strengths and weaknesses and if your problem happens to be something that you're bad at dealing with, it doesn't matter how much you want to overcome it. You will need time or help at the very least, if not both, and perhaps you'll have to change goals entirely. There. Try to argue with that. :P

(I get ridiculously excited when I discover a new way to explain something. I like to think of people who don't understand things as puzzles to solve. Getting closer to solving them is even more fun than finding the solution to an actual problem! Oh gods I just used my brain and it worked oh gods I can still be smart sometimes alert the fucking media I feel amazing oh gods.)

((This is exactly why my mother once suggested I become a lawyer.))

(((I do not wish to become a lawyer. I'd rather solve puzzles that don't involve arbitrary human-made laws, thanks.)))

( third idea cut for overall post length; sleep schedule stuff )

So I set my alarm to 8, went to bed at 6, needed to hit the "snooze" button three times despite having slept for 14 hours, and finally crawled out of bed feeling terrible physically but extremely pleased with myself. :D

A few days ago, a post about what it's like to be aromantic popped up on my Tumblr dashboard. I found it an interesting read because I am basically the opposite of aromantic. It's not just that I develop romantic attraction easily - I am also nearly incapable of loving people platonically. Once I cross that line between liking and loving someone, chances are I will instantly get a crush on them, too.

For the longest time I had so much trouble imagining platonic love that I came up with all kinds of strategies for it. I tried to compare it to loving a family member, but discovered that I didn't actually love* my family. I tried to think of friends that I had never fallen in love with, but only found a few that I hadn't loved at all. I wondered what it was like to be gay or straight, i.e. monosexual, and how a monosexual person might feel about friends of the gender they were not attracted to. It was impossible.

Several things have changed since then. For example, I am now familiar with the love between a parent and a child. I actually feel somewhat similarly about my siblings, too ... but I'm telling you, if they were my age? I'd probably be so unlucky as to fall in love with one of them. >_< Then there is the matter of Daniel. Our relationship is still complicated, but not awkward. I don't think it would be inaccurate to call him my best friend now. There is a small amount of romantic feelings left, I guess, but only the tiniest hint, and mostly he is family to me. Like a brother? Perhaps. I never understood that expression before.

So this is a new experience, and I think I may also be learning to love people more easily, which would increase the chances of some of that love being platonic. I still have that annoying tendency to find anyone and everyone attractive, though. I very nearly developed a crush on someone my mother's age at the hospital. o.O

It's kind of ironic that at the same time I am almost asexual. But lately I have been getting the impression that my entire existence is kind of ironic, so whatever. :D (Contradictions everywhere! I don't care.)

*Yeah, I know. I also have a post coming up that is mostly about what a weird child I was ...

Uh, I promise not to fall into a three-posts-a-day habit again, but this wants out.

I've been taking the new meds for two weeks now and evidently I have not completely lost my mind. So far, so good. However, I'm not seeing any positive effects, either ... unless you count having managed to sleep normally for a week due to not sleeping very well and thus being constantly tired, which I'm really not sure is a good thing. Besides, the night before last my insomnia finally won out anyway.

I'm definitely going to give it some more time, but on the other hand I'm not sure it isn't affecting my mental state negatively at all. It's just so hard to say because I've been a bit nuts for two whole months! How do I tell whether it's being made worse by the meds or not?

There's this incredible boredom I can't get rid of. I already said this about a month ago, but it feels a bit like mania and depression at the same time. Part of me is going "DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING" like a squirrel on crack and yet I'm also completely NOT in the mood to do anything I can think of.

Occasionally this is made worse by sudden attacks of undefinied anxiety. I'm amazed I can even write at the moment because I am fidgeting rather dramatically and nearly bit through my lip a minute ago. My body is tingling as if pure adrenaline were flowing through my veins instead of blood and I have trouble breathing. SO MUCH FUN.

I don't know what it's about, I don't know what might help, I don't know anything. And it's definitely getting worse. Less and less things can hold my attention - almost every single day I lose another topic that I could previously read or hear about without getting distracted. If only I could simply go for a run or something!

Damn You Auto Correct helps sometimes. XD

Ahh, finally I can breathe again. Not that it's completely gone, but then ... it never really leaves.

I recently realised why I love spending time around small children so much - well, not too many at once, but that's beside the point. It's because I can easily let go in their company. Act without thinking. There's nothing to be afraid of; a toddler won't laugh if you do something weird - not in a bad way, at least. In fact it's not unlikely that the kid will think you're the funniest person in the world.

Back when I was still living with my mother and my siblings, I didn't participate in the things that they did very often, didn't join them on their bike rides or whatever they got up to, but it was not because I didn't like doing those things. I was just tired and sick and preoccupied. When I did feel like coming along, I had lots of fun and secretly pretended that I wasn't ten years older than the others.

Not much has changed, really. I'm the type of person who will occasionally catch herself skipping into the kitchen to get a glass of water instead of walking, for no particular reason. Yes, I do that even now. It just happens! Daniel thinks I'm insane, but I don't mind him. And Timo doesn't care. That's the thing. When I'm alone with Timo, which isn't possible half as often as I'd like, I sing and dance and hop around and do all kinds of things that I would otherwise find embarrassing.

When people persuade me to sing in front of them, my voice is tiny. When I sing to Timo, I am suddenly capable of being exactly as loud as I would be on my own in a sound-proof room. When people ask me to dance, I say that I can't because I have no idea how you're supposed to do it. When Timo and I listen to music together, I start dancing automatically without thinking about it at all.

And that's why I don't like cricket enjoy spending time with small children.

I'm getting better with the grown-ups, mind you. In fact I think this realisation will make it a little easier. Growing up is overrated.