faevii | Entries tagged with my brain works in mysterious ways

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I think the Cymbalta is doing something, vague as it may be so far. I haven't been experiencing less pain exactly, but I seem to feel less exhausted after activities that would normally knock me out for an hour or two. I mean, I can just sit down for 15 minutes and then start the next thing, or sit down for five minutes and do something small. That's pretty cool. And since I've only been taking it for five or six days, it can't even have gone into full effect yet. Who knows what it's going to be like after two weeks!

I haven't noticed any side-effects, either - the first two days or so I was very tired, but that's stopped now. Oddly enough, the disturbingly realistic dreams I'd been having since I started my other meds have stopped, too ... maybe the Cymbalta is somehow cancelling that out. Or it's coincidence, IDK. You never know with these things.

In other news, I'm sleeping at home tonight. I'll spend the weekend doing laundry (because it's so warm that I keep having to change shirts and ran out early), preparing the place for my return and also preparing for something else, namely the fact that on Monday I will hopefully - finally - install the curtains and stuff that I bought almost a year ago, with help from my mother. I sure hope she doesn't, like, break a leg until then or something. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. >_>

My mood is alternating between happiness and panic today, which is rather irritating. Especially since there's nothing to panic about and it'd make more sense for me to still be sad or angry about ... that thing that went wrong two days ago. (Nope, not elaborating.) But I've never claimed to understand my brain ...

Current Mood: busy

You know ... I am starting to wonder what's up with me at the moment. I say "up" instead of "wrong" because, well, it's nothing bad! Just ... a little weird.

I was watching SGA again, merely taking a short break before the final two-parter to start the download of season 2, when I suddenly ... uh, decided to start learning how to type using all fingers?

Like, I didn't just think that I should do it, I actually started. I'd downloaded a program that teaches you this months ago, but was never in the mood to try it. And then out of absolutely nowhere I suddenly did. Before I'd even found the file I was looking for, with the search results still open in the background. And the folder with the two unwatched episodes in it was also still open because I'd only meant to start the download and continue watching. It was like, one second I'm on the Pirate Bay and the next WHOOPS I'M LEARNING HOW TO TYPE WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN. o.O

The Origami thing was exactly like this, too. One moment I'm talking about modular Origami ornaments on Twitter that I'm not sure I want to expend this much paper on, and the next whoops I made a box. (Which reminds me that I wanted to get back to that. I should probably take a longer break before the finale anyway - give the download a headstart in case it's relatively fast, maybe eat something. I also need to decide when to go to bed today so I don't forget about that.)

I mean, not that I'm not pleased I'm being more productive all of a sudden, but why does it happen in unexpected bursts?!

Current Mood: surprised

Examples of things that my brain seems to find mysteriously difficult, as described in the previous post:

watching videos of any kind (including movies) more than once
deliberately* rereading fanfics that I bookmarked
reading original fiction on the internet or downloaded ebooks
watching downloaded YouTube videos immediately after the download has finished
taking the time to check whether a video is worth watching instead of going "oh a video; ignore"
seeking out, reading, comprehending and memorising new information about my interests
cooking meals that are anything but improvised and minimalistic
remembering on which days a comic updates and looking forward to those days**
remembering when anything's going to happen, really, and looking forward to that time***
oh you know what, just being aware of what day it is and what that means in general
listening to music (although it has to be said that my current lack of equipment does make this harder)
when I feel an urge to play the keyboard, actually do so

And all this is completely irrespective of my level of interest and (however fleeting) enthusiasm. :S

*as opposed to accidentally stumbling upon them again
**instead I just subscribe via RSS and check Google Reader sporadically
***IDEK, I basically assume that due to the nature of the internet, sooner or later the news will reach me anyway?

Current Mood: annoyed

My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately; I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to describe what's been going on in my head. Most of the time I was too confused by my body's sudden unpredictability in regards to sleep to pay attention to what was happening, anyway. I now know that part of the mess was likely my own fault due to taking my pills only sporadically, leading to either headaches or extreme tiredness depending on whether I took them that day or not, but that can't have been the only problem.

I wish I could sort out which perceived symptom was caused by what. It's probably impossible because everything overlaps and there is rarely just one answer, but I'm so fucking sick of being unable to tell how I should react to feeling sluggish and low on energy, for example. Is it physical fatigue? Do I need to take it easy for a day? Or is it a mental thing? Should I bite the bullet and force myself to do more than I feel like? How am I supposed to know??

What I've recently discovered is that even my actual muscle strength can vary greatly from day to day. Sure, I always knew that exercise was harder after I had slept badly and easier during a high energy phase, but I didn't know that these fluctuations could also happen randomly. Then I had an extremely good day and yet my arms were super weak. :| Also, one time I had no energy whatsoever and only wanted to exercise a tiny bit to relax my shoulders, but to my own surprise I did way more than I had planned, just because it was so easy. It's like, do I get any control over my own freaking life?!

But what troubles me the most is that there are things that I almost always lack the motivation for, and I don't know what this means. I'm talking about enjoyable things here, so it's not a matter of laziness, exactly. However it's too specific to be anything as general as depression, and I can't quite see how my OCD would have such an effect. It's more like my brain's been incorrectly programmed to view these things as harder to do or less fun than they actually are - how do I get around that?!

Okay, this post is made of questions. Have I mentioned that I'm confused?

(Dude. That's way too many tags for one post. What am I doing.)

Current Mood: contemplative

I know I just said I was going to work on my plan, but then something totally different happend: I FINISHED MY STICKY POST. And hey, I mean - all in all it only took me about two and a half years! That's ... totally not that long, right?? :P

So for those of you reading along on DW, there is now an intro post at the top of my journal. I seriously have been working on that thing ever since I came up with this username (which means it was originally meant for LJ). It isn't even particularly long, or witty for that matter ... I'm just really, really slow. XD

Now I can finally start adding people spontaneously without my next thought being, "Damn. My profile is a bit vague, isn't it?"

Current Mood: surprised
Current Music: Nirvana

I just accidentally went into town for nothing because I had, in essence, forgotten that I didn't have any money yet. The exact circumstances that led to this strange mistake were a little more complicated than that, of course, but attempting to explain all that would probably turn this into the most pointless entry of epic proportions I have ever written. Not to mention the most boring one, unless you find detailed descriptions of my convoluted thought processes unexpectedly entertaining. Let's just say I know exactly what went wrong there. Nothing beats my internal logic! Or selective memory, rather.

In other news, Daniel and Timo are in Berlin now. There's a convoluted story behind that, too ... I don't quite get it myself. All I know is that he was planning to spend a few days there three weeks from now, without Timo (Daniel's mother had offered to watch over him during that time), then yesterday he suddenly started to talk about leaving at once, taking Timo with him and staying a whole month, but in the end it was decided that the two of them would go together today, come back in a week, and additionally we'd stick to the original plan anyway. I'm confused, too. o.O

I'm quite enjoying the peace and quiet, lack of money and food aside. Tomorrow I'll go shopping for real and the day after that I'll go again because someone will be able to drive me then so I can get some of the larger and heavier things. I hope that by Saturday I'll also have managed to get enough of the necessary housework done that I'll be able to mostly relax for the rest of the time.

I've been working on that in the most disorganised fashion, doing whatever caught my eye whenever I felt like it, never even stopping to make sure that I finished one thing before I started the next - or doing the most important stuff first, for that matter. This strategy, or rather lack thereof, turned out to be surprisingly effective. Interesting.

They'll return right on my birthday, which is funny. Considering that I'll probably be missing Timo quite a lot by then, it'll be like I'm getting him back for a present. :)