faevii | Entries tagged with not even surprised anymore

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As you might have guessed based on my sudden three-day absence, things didn't go so well. Then again, there used to be a time when a suspicious lack of posts from yours truly actually meant that I was feeling better than usual. Hm.

To make a long story short, I couldn't trick my brain into complying with a reasonable sleep schedule no matter what I did and eventually got tired of suffering the consequences of trying. I'm not even properly disappointed, I just wish I hadn't wasted any money on those valerian capsules. :|

For two days I simply went to bed whenever I got tired enough, but today I decided to stay awake a little longer again (since yesterday afternoon). Doing household stuff suddenly seems a whole lot easier, which is just typical. Can't get a thing done while sleeping "normally", but sleep deprivation does the trick. There's some logic for you.

In other news, I've kept in regular contact with Daniel and he appears to be capable of holding himself together while not drunk, which is quite the relief. We've also made plans regarding Timo's Christmas present and he has agreed to spend Christmas with me and my family, so all's pretty cool on that front.

Now for the most exciting part, except I'm kidding: THE FREAKING TRASH CONTAINERS ARE BACK. I only discovered it early this morning, sneaking around in the dark of night again. That was also quite the relief. I remain puzzled as to why they were ever gone in the first place, but I guess I will never find out. XD I'm just glad I can take out my trash whenever I wish again.

Current Mood: blah

Is this the part where I admit that my plan has failed? No, I refuse to do that. Instead, let's just say that my first attempt went wrong and I will have to start over. Nevertheless I'm a bit bummed that it happened as early as three days in. u_u

Sometime last night, I decided that I'd finally had enough of the noises that my bed was making, which I'd recently come to realise didn't actually continue when I was not in it anymore (I'm pretty sure that was the case at some point, though). So I pushed the bed into the middle of the room and placed the mattress on the floor in its usual spot. Then I went to the bathroom once more, drank some water and lay back down. I found it rather comfortable on the floor and listened to calming music for a while, plus you may remember that I'd been very tired to begin with - you'd think falling asleep should have been no problem, but then this is me we're talking about.

I gave up about two hours after I'd originally gone to bed. I suppose I could have only stayed awake for a limited time and then tried again, but in my tired and annoyed state I kind of forgot that was an option. Oops? (Well, I'm almost certain it wouldn't have worked, anyway.)

I will probably not be able to do a repeat performance of day one today, seeing as it's already 1 pm and I need to do a number of time-consuming things before I can go to bed. I don't think I'll manage all that within three hours. However, since I fell asleep on my chair this morning and thus did sleep a little, it may not actually be necessary to go to bed that early. I hope. I guess I could also set my alarm to 7 instead of 6. Haven't decided yet.

In any case I'll try again, whether that's another example of "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results" or not.

Current Mood: disappointed

Guys this is hilarious.

No I mean seriously this is the funniest shit ever.

I am not lactose-intolerant.

...

.....

....... O___O

And I only got it tested for confirmation. To have official proof. I never ever ever even considered the option that I might have drawn the wrong conclusion, aside from this morning when I jokingly suggested it to A (who was driving me) like "Haha, wouldn't it be funny if I got a negative result on this test, too? But nawww, this is a pretty straight-forward matter." LOL RIGHT.

And it still doesn't make any fucking sense. Last year I drank a glass of chocolate milk and five minutes later I was running to the bathroom. Several times, until I made the connection and stopped. These days I drink lactose-free chocolate milk on a regular basis and nothing happens. Okay then! Screw logic! The test says I should be able to drink milk, so I must have imagined all that digestive trouble! o_O

I ... I have to admit I was too shocked to ask the doctor about the validity of my earlier gluten test in light of this. I did mention that I once ate noodles and suffered unpleasant consequences throughout the entire next day, though. He suggested that I try a gastroscopy next. Fucking great, that's just what I've always wanted. :|

I'm honestly starting to feel a little like a really delusional hypochondriac here. Being declared healthy by doctors in spite of experiencing symptoms is something that's been happening to me for all my life, hence why I have reached a point where it seems funny. I mean, funny in a sort of cynical "lol why did I even expect anything else" manner, which is not very funny at all actually. :| I could understand it happening a few isolated times, that's pretty normal, but nearly always?! It's just as common a theme in my life as plans that I am inexplicably optimistic about being thwarted by a completely unforeseeable event. Like suddenly developing fake intolerances, haha hehe blah bluh blub.

3x FACEPALM COMBO

Okay I am sorry about talking like this but my head feels fried, apparently being out in the cold without breakfast really screwed me up for the rest of the day. I have literally not done anything useful since I got home because I just couldn't. Ugh.

Current Mood: frustrated

My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately; I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to describe what's been going on in my head. Most of the time I was too confused by my body's sudden unpredictability in regards to sleep to pay attention to what was happening, anyway. I now know that part of the mess was likely my own fault due to taking my pills only sporadically, leading to either headaches or extreme tiredness depending on whether I took them that day or not, but that can't have been the only problem.

I wish I could sort out which perceived symptom was caused by what. It's probably impossible because everything overlaps and there is rarely just one answer, but I'm so fucking sick of being unable to tell how I should react to feeling sluggish and low on energy, for example. Is it physical fatigue? Do I need to take it easy for a day? Or is it a mental thing? Should I bite the bullet and force myself to do more than I feel like? How am I supposed to know??

What I've recently discovered is that even my actual muscle strength can vary greatly from day to day. Sure, I always knew that exercise was harder after I had slept badly and easier during a high energy phase, but I didn't know that these fluctuations could also happen randomly. Then I had an extremely good day and yet my arms were super weak. :| Also, one time I had no energy whatsoever and only wanted to exercise a tiny bit to relax my shoulders, but to my own surprise I did way more than I had planned, just because it was so easy. It's like, do I get any control over my own freaking life?!

But what troubles me the most is that there are things that I almost always lack the motivation for, and I don't know what this means. I'm talking about enjoyable things here, so it's not a matter of laziness, exactly. However it's too specific to be anything as general as depression, and I can't quite see how my OCD would have such an effect. It's more like my brain's been incorrectly programmed to view these things as harder to do or less fun than they actually are - how do I get around that?!

Okay, this post is made of questions. Have I mentioned that I'm confused?

(Dude. That's way too many tags for one post. What am I doing.)

Current Mood: contemplative

Somebody please explain to me why I am awake? I slept somewhat normally for what, three days? You'd think I'd be allowed a little more time to recover, but no. Evidently we can't have that.

By now I have moved on from making smarter shopping lists to trying my hand at meal planning, which is kind of difficult to do if you had meant to start the next day, but then you stay awake so long that you need to eat again. WTF am I supposed to eat at this time of night? More sandwiches? I'm not going to cook at four in the morning, but my last meal was sandwiches already! Argh. I suppose I could always ... sacrifice some of that chocolate pudding for the greater good. Uhm. Yes.

Seriously though, meal planning. I appear to suck at it, but mostly because I can't concentrate. I suspect it would be just my thing, otherwise. Well, I like making lists.

There is really no point to this entry at all, is there? :P

Current Mood: confused

On the whole, my first week alone was amazing. The floor in the hall wasn't done yet, there was no light in the kitchen and all I had to cook with was a single pot, but it was great. Thanks to a number of factors such as less allergens in the air, a better mattress and practically no stress whatsoever (to only name a few), I slept better and had much more energy. I could concentrate better and going outside was suddenly not a problem anymore. Showering was easy. I never got bored. BASICALLY IT WAS AWESOME OKAY. :D

My wrists became terribly dry because I wasn't used to doing the dishes by hand and my feet hurt because I wasn't used to not wearing shoes inside, but eventually I adapted. I visited Timo every single day and probably played with him more than when we were still living together. I enjoyed being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I felt like it, and not having to worry about things being Potentially Dirty because I knew what was clean and what wasn't. Since I didn't have much money left after buying a vacuum cleaner and such, I even discovered that €15 could get me through an entire week if I was careful.

Then I suddenly couldn't eat wheat anymore.

...

Yeah. I actually laughed, you know. I don't know why, but my first reaction was this kind of hysterical amusement. Of course that would happen right after I'd finally managed to get the hang of living with lactose intolerance. Of course that would happen while I was basically broke and thought I'd figured out how to survive on €15 a week. WHEN ELSE. GOODBYE, CHEAP BREAD.

While I was still unsure what was going on, there was a day on which I cried for hours and hours, mostly due to the debilitating stomach cramps but also because I was scared. And possibly mourning noodles, while fervently hoping it was something else. It wasn't. When I finally stopped eating anything of the kind, my stomach felt better immediately and the rest of my body within two or three days. That could hardly be a coincidence.

I have since been tested for Celiac Disease (gluten intolerance), but either that's not it or the doctor made a mistake. Like, I don't know, maybe forgetting to tell me that I still needed to be eating the stuff for it to work. I have yet to ask him, since my next appointment is not until two weeks from now because I thought I'd also have my lactose intolerance officially confirmed while I was at it, and something went wrong with that test. >_<

Scraping the money together that I suddenly needed to feed myself for the rest of the month wasn't easy, but fortunately I had help. I also ate a lot of rice, and I was extremely grateful for all the positive effects from moving out that I still felt. Without them I would have been screwed.

(Ironic icon choice is ironic.)