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I think the Cymbalta is doing something, vague as it may be so far. I haven't been experiencing less pain exactly, but I seem to feel less exhausted after activities that would normally knock me out for an hour or two. I mean, I can just sit down for 15 minutes and then start the next thing, or sit down for five minutes and do something small. That's pretty cool. And since I've only been taking it for five or six days, it can't even have gone into full effect yet. Who knows what it's going to be like after two weeks!

I haven't noticed any side-effects, either - the first two days or so I was very tired, but that's stopped now. Oddly enough, the disturbingly realistic dreams I'd been having since I started my other meds have stopped, too ... maybe the Cymbalta is somehow cancelling that out. Or it's coincidence, IDK. You never know with these things.

In other news, I'm sleeping at home tonight. I'll spend the weekend doing laundry (because it's so warm that I keep having to change shirts and ran out early), preparing the place for my return and also preparing for something else, namely the fact that on Monday I will hopefully - finally - install the curtains and stuff that I bought almost a year ago, with help from my mother. I sure hope she doesn't, like, break a leg until then or something. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. >_>

My mood is alternating between happiness and panic today, which is rather irritating. Especially since there's nothing to panic about and it'd make more sense for me to still be sad or angry about ... that thing that went wrong two days ago. (Nope, not elaborating.) But I've never claimed to understand my brain ...

Current Mood: busy

I cannot resist coming back here every Saturday even though it means that I have to spend every Sunday around the hospital because you're only allowed to leave on one of the weekend days. There's just always something to do here, to bring or take or whatever, and it's nice to be able to catch up with internet stuff at least a bit once a week.

This time I've been oddly busy, though, and probably won't be able to write a second post ... unless I keep this one really short and basically start right now. IDEK how that happened.

But what else is there to say, anyway? Oh, right. The sudden exhaustion thing did turn out to be a side effect of my allergy meds, somehow - I don't know why it took hours to occur, but the fact that it stopped when I started taking them at night looks like a pretty obvious connection to me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if they actually help when taken at night, though. :|

By now I have discovered the library and ergo therapy is finally happening, too. I'm pretty busy overall.

Current Mood: busy

I have a Plan again. It was bound to happen eventually. It always happens.

Okay then.

Tonight I am going to stay awake. Tomorrow morning I'll buy a caffeinated beverage of some sort and, if the money I've got left in my purse turns out to be enough for those, valerian capsules.

Sometime in the afternoon I'll go to bed. Preferably at 4 pm, because then I would still wake up early even if I slept for more than 12 hours. I will place the drink on my beside table and set my alarm to 6 am just in case. 14 hours should really be enough, but if it feels like they weren't, that's what the caffeine is for.

Depending on whether I woke up closer to midnight or to the time of my alarm, I will decide how early to go to bed next. I'll take some valerian an hour before then whether I'll seem to need it or not - it's more to make sure that I'm going to be in the mood for sleep than anything else. (An idea that I had at the hospital.)

Rinse and repeat until I get to a number of hours slept that feels right, then pick an alarm time to stick with. That's it so far!

I didn't think I'd make another attempt at developing a proper sleep schedule anytime soon, but then I remembered that my meds were partly to blame for that ... and, well, I went off them a few days ago. I'd already been breaking the pills in half for weeks without feeling worse, so I figured I was better off without them.

I hope I won't be interrupted by some kind of weird, unforeseen event this time. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG??

Current Mood: determined

My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately; I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to describe what's been going on in my head. Most of the time I was too confused by my body's sudden unpredictability in regards to sleep to pay attention to what was happening, anyway. I now know that part of the mess was likely my own fault due to taking my pills only sporadically, leading to either headaches or extreme tiredness depending on whether I took them that day or not, but that can't have been the only problem.

I wish I could sort out which perceived symptom was caused by what. It's probably impossible because everything overlaps and there is rarely just one answer, but I'm so fucking sick of being unable to tell how I should react to feeling sluggish and low on energy, for example. Is it physical fatigue? Do I need to take it easy for a day? Or is it a mental thing? Should I bite the bullet and force myself to do more than I feel like? How am I supposed to know??

What I've recently discovered is that even my actual muscle strength can vary greatly from day to day. Sure, I always knew that exercise was harder after I had slept badly and easier during a high energy phase, but I didn't know that these fluctuations could also happen randomly. Then I had an extremely good day and yet my arms were super weak. :| Also, one time I had no energy whatsoever and only wanted to exercise a tiny bit to relax my shoulders, but to my own surprise I did way more than I had planned, just because it was so easy. It's like, do I get any control over my own freaking life?!

But what troubles me the most is that there are things that I almost always lack the motivation for, and I don't know what this means. I'm talking about enjoyable things here, so it's not a matter of laziness, exactly. However it's too specific to be anything as general as depression, and I can't quite see how my OCD would have such an effect. It's more like my brain's been incorrectly programmed to view these things as harder to do or less fun than they actually are - how do I get around that?!

Okay, this post is made of questions. Have I mentioned that I'm confused?

(Dude. That's way too many tags for one post. What am I doing.)

Current Mood: contemplative

I ... I just can't anymore. The last few days have been nothing but an endless struggle against tiredness. Either I forced myself out of bed early and felt like crap all day or I overslept until noon and also felt like crap all day. Then at night I either went to bed early and couldn't sleep yet (on the days when I'd overslept) or I did sleep but in the next morning I still didn't feel like I'd slept enough. Sometimes I also stayed up a little too late, which meant that by the time I finally got ready for bed, I felt so terrible that the thought of setting an alarm made me want to cry.

I'm pretty sure that this is only a side-effect of my meds rather than an unexpected depressive phase or anything. At the hospital it was less noticeable because I often went to bed extremely early out of boredom or because my roommate wanted to sleep, but it was still a problem. We were woken up at seven every morning and for several weeks I never managed to actually get out of bed until a quarter past eight, when a nurse made the rounds again to remind us that it was time for the first "event" of the day - a sort of quick little ... gathering ... where they informed us of changes in the day's schedule and such. It was quite an accomplishment if I so much as managed to brush my teeth before this! >.<

Near the end I had advanced so far that I could brush my teeth and do my hair, without even needing to hurry. Breakfast was still not an option, but I'd made progress.

Why can't I at least get back to that now? I suppose I'd have to go to bed at 8:45 for it to work, or something. That's ridiculous. I mean, I could also decide that 9 am is an acceptable time to set my alarm to, but then what if I get a doctor's appointment at 7:30? I'd have trouble falling asleep early enough for that because I wouldn't be used to it anymore. And the therapist I am currently trying to ask if she's taking new patients only accepts phone calls between 7 and 8 in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays. This week I already missed both opportunities. I need to get up early ...

ARGH.

Current Mood: frustrated

Uh, I promise not to fall into a three-posts-a-day habit again, but this wants out.

I've been taking the new meds for two weeks now and evidently I have not completely lost my mind. So far, so good. However, I'm not seeing any positive effects, either ... unless you count having managed to sleep normally for a week due to not sleeping very well and thus being constantly tired, which I'm really not sure is a good thing. Besides, the night before last my insomnia finally won out anyway.

I'm definitely going to give it some more time, but on the other hand I'm not sure it isn't affecting my mental state negatively at all. It's just so hard to say because I've been a bit nuts for two whole months! How do I tell whether it's being made worse by the meds or not?

There's this incredible boredom I can't get rid of. I already said this about a month ago, but it feels a bit like mania and depression at the same time. Part of me is going "DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING" like a squirrel on crack and yet I'm also completely NOT in the mood to do anything I can think of.

Occasionally this is made worse by sudden attacks of undefinied anxiety. I'm amazed I can even write at the moment because I am fidgeting rather dramatically and nearly bit through my lip a minute ago. My body is tingling as if pure adrenaline were flowing through my veins instead of blood and I have trouble breathing. SO MUCH FUN.

I don't know what it's about, I don't know what might help, I don't know anything. And it's definitely getting worse. Less and less things can hold my attention - almost every single day I lose another topic that I could previously read or hear about without getting distracted. If only I could simply go for a run or something!

Damn You Auto Correct helps sometimes. XD

Ahh, finally I can breathe again. Not that it's completely gone, but then ... it never really leaves.

Current Mood: sfdfsfgh
Current Music: Biffy Clyro

1. I spent 18 hours in bed earlier, most of them asleep. Personal record? I think so.

2. Episode 9 of season 5 was actually good. Wow.

3. For some reason I've had "Morning Glory" by Oasis stuck in my head since yesterday. I kept having these sudden urges to listen to it until I finally gave in and downloaded the album it's on.

4. I blame this post on my allergy meds. The lactose-free version makes me feel all wooooozy.

5. Need a little time to wake up wake up.

Over and out.

ETA: LMAO I NEVER REALISED THE IRONY OF POINTS 1 AND 5 PUT TOGETHER. Oh my life, it makes me LOL forever. Ye gods, I am rhyming.