faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
First things first: I'm back home. It was more of a spontaneous flounce than a planned decision in the end, but I do not regret it. The time to leave had come.

Completely unrelatedly, D has lent me his TV. He doesn't really need it, see, because he doesn't have cable or anything and uses his computer monitor to play video games. It's possible that I'll be allowed to keep it for a pretty long time, so now I suddenly find myself wondering whether I should buy an XBox 360 instead of a tablet PC. You know, presuming that one of these days I'll actually manage to hold onto my money for long enough to buy anything expensive. e_e

The thing is just, he could also lend me a PS2. Then I'd be able to play one game and watch DVDs, which would be a huge improvement already. But on the other hand, the manufacturer of the tablet I've been wanting has recently released a relatively affordable BIGGER one that I want even more, which would be almost as expensive as the XBox, so I'm kinda thinking if I'm going to spend that much money anyway, I might as well add another €50 and get the XBox, enabling me to play SEVEN games PLUS the PS2 one. On the other other hand, my computer sucks so much ...

Naww, I think I'll go for the tablet. Considering the "free" PS2 and all. I could get back into gaming by replaying Star Ocean 3 once or twice, enjoy my ability to watch DVDs, be ecstatic about owning a tablet, then get the XBox later.

YES. GOOD. Now I only need to decide if I want to try living on €100 next month and buy it immediately, add my savings and make it €140, or be sensible and wait until the month after that, setting as much as I can aside for this plan.

... Is living on €100 for a month even hard, though? I forgot how much money a person needs for groceries while I was getting free food at the hospital ...

Return of the Lindworm

Thursday, May 31st, 2012 06:11 pm
faevii: (happiness)
That's a silly title, I know. Shh. ;)

Well, I'm finally back! Home for good, barring unexpected relapses and such. It will ... take some getting used to.

I can't say I've achieved much, but I appear to be moving in the right direction. And my meds actually seem to be helping for once, which is a great improvement. I guess the best way of putting it is that while I didn't find exactly what I was looking for, I at least found something, rather than just sitting out the crisis until it was over. The rest can be figured out later.

o hey

Saturday, May 26th, 2012 02:52 pm
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
I think the Cymbalta is doing something, vague as it may be so far. I haven't been experiencing less pain exactly, but I seem to feel less exhausted after activities that would normally knock me out for an hour or two. I mean, I can just sit down for 15 minutes and then start the next thing, or sit down for five minutes and do something small. That's pretty cool. And since I've only been taking it for five or six days, it can't even have gone into full effect yet. Who knows what it's going to be like after two weeks!

I haven't noticed any side-effects, either - the first two days or so I was very tired, but that's stopped now. Oddly enough, the disturbingly realistic dreams I'd been having since I started my other meds have stopped, too ... maybe the Cymbalta is somehow cancelling that out. Or it's coincidence, IDK. You never know with these things.

In other news, I'm sleeping at home tonight. I'll spend the weekend doing laundry (because it's so warm that I keep having to change shirts and ran out early), preparing the place for my return and also preparing for something else, namely the fact that on Monday I will hopefully - finally - install the curtains and stuff that I bought almost a year ago, with help from my mother. I sure hope she doesn't, like, break a leg until then or something. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. >_>

My mood is alternating between happiness and panic today, which is rather irritating. Especially since there's nothing to panic about and it'd make more sense for me to still be sad or angry about ... that thing that went wrong two days ago. (Nope, not elaborating.) But I've never claimed to understand my brain ...
faevii: (slice of brain)
Oh my goodness. My entire life has acquired a distinct Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead theme lately. It's funny and sad and absurd on so many levels at once that I couldn't possibly put it into words. (Yet I predict that I'll try soon enough.) Also, the soundtrack currently consists almost exclusively of Kasabian's "Goodbye Kiss" and a Red Hot Chili Peppers b-side called "Funny Face" - as well as "The Crushing of the Little People" by Sucioperro when I'm angry, but that's nothing new (it's just so satisfying to hear someone sing "fuck you, don't dare think I'll take your shit again" when you're pissed off).

Now, as for those news. I've decided to risk going on vacation with my family regardless of my presently somewhat unstable condition, seeing as I would have had to go on "therapy break" soon anyway and I might as well make the most use of it that I can. Also, things happened and what is even the point of going back anymore, or of anything, oh gods I can't think I shouldn't be writing-

WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY. Is this. Vacation: one week in Denmark. Monday nine days from now until Sunday. Therapy break: two weeks sort of surrounding that one week. From the Wednesday that's coming up until either exactly two weeks later or maybe a few more days if there are no free beds then. Which means I'll


I only just realised

... Does anyone even care? Basically I'll be back for a few days, gone for a week, back for a few more days and then gone again. And my brain won't let me finish sentences, so whatever.



Saturday, March 17th, 2012 04:53 pm
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
I cannot resist coming back here every Saturday even though it means that I have to spend every Sunday around the hospital because you're only allowed to leave on one of the weekend days. There's just always something to do here, to bring or take or whatever, and it's nice to be able to catch up with internet stuff at least a bit once a week.

This time I've been oddly busy, though, and probably won't be able to write a second post ... unless I keep this one really short and basically start right now. IDEK how that happened.

But what else is there to say, anyway? Oh, right. The sudden exhaustion thing did turn out to be a side effect of my allergy meds, somehow - I don't know why it took hours to occur, but the fact that it stopped when I started taking them at night looks like a pretty obvious connection to me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if they actually help when taken at night, though. :|

By now I have discovered the library and ergo therapy is finally happening, too. I'm pretty busy overall.
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
Oh gods what is happening. I basically got home and immediately became super exhausted??? Either it's the cold or something strange is going on here that I should examine closely during a therapy session or two while I've got the chance. Unless it's coincidence - I did take an allergy pill for the first time this year today and they supposedly make people tired. But that's never happened before and it's been several hours, so why now? :S

It really is freaking cold in here again, though. I just made something in the oven and left it open afterwards, maybe that'll help ... and once I'm done eating, I'll have to run some errands - time for the flat to get warmer while I don't have to sit in it and suffer. I'm seriously considering leaving the heating on at a moderate setting when I go back to the hospital this evening.

In other news, the bread that I put into the fridge last weekend was still okay. Hooray. There's still some left, but I'm relieved that I didn't buy all of it for nothing.

Life at the mental institution is, er ... going well, I suppose ... and I don't need to spend half as much time reading books to avoid boredom anymore. There's this cute, green-haired, 18-year-old girl who inexplicably likes me a lot and some other people who occasionally talk to me, sometimes I play table tennis and I've signed up for more groups, too. "Drumming for beginners" is my favourite so far. :D (And I really am a beginner when it comes to that kind of drumming; they've got several types of drums which are all played using only one's hands. It's more about experiencing sensations than learning to drum, anyway.)

Ergo therapy keeps being cancelled and the library was closed when I went to find it, though. I hope things will be back to normal next week - I deliberately didn't sign up for another "creative" group because I figured it must be similar to ergo, only to get no chance to be creative at all. :| (I did buy Origami paper at some point, but promptly forgot to use it. Oh well.)

Just like last Saturday ... I'll try to write a more personal post later. Maybe while I'm waiting for the hair dye to do its magic, because I'm going to start a second attempt at making my fringe purple while I'm here today (if it just goes more red, I'll be fine with that, too - I'll cover a slightly larger area this time, so it won't be a waste either way).

Sorry that I can't keep up with what everyone else has been doing. :(
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
So! About this hospital business. I'm currently only home for a few hours; they don't seem to allow people to stay away overnight until the 4th week or thereabouts. I can't believe it's been more than a week already, but at the same time I can't believe how much has happened, either. There's ... a lot less boredom overall compared to the other place, though I suppose being able to read books has more to do with that than it being a better hospital. Still holding out judgement on that (honestly, no opinion yet).

Speaking of books, I finished Tiassa and the Inheritance Trilogy, which was loads of fun, and am now starting on the ones that I got for Christmas from my family. At first I was skeptical, but the story's slowly getting interesting. I love when circumstances motivate me to stray from my usual genres! Next week I'll also attempt to check out the hospital library (which might be difficult because it's only open for a really short time on two days).

In case you're wondering how it came to be that I left in such a hurry all out of the blue, let me try to remember. I hadn't slept in who knows how long when that happened, so the details are a little hazy now, ahem. -_- Well, I may have mentioned that I had to call them once a week to confirm that I still wanted to come ...? And last week I nearly forgot, in part because I'd expected to only have to do it twice, not three times, and the rest was confusion about whether a new week had already started or not. And inconveniently falling asleep on my chair. So I didn't do it until Thursday, but on Thursday they happened to have a free bed, and thus the nurse advised me to just screw taking all of my clothes with me at once and go there by train. I got very nervous, said yes, looked up a train, discovered that I had no more than four hours to get ready, spent four hours doing so in a slightly panicked state ... and left. Nearly missed the train, too.

I'd been extremely productive the night before, which was great because it meant that I left a mostly clean and unusually tidy flat behind. Being greeted by that sight was so awesome when I quickly returned to get the rest of my stuff the next day - or whenever that was. I even happened to have snacks on hand that I could take with me, and something to eat for lunch on both days! It was almost as if I had sensed that it was time to get ready. The only downside is that I also bought bread, which is now over a week old and may not be good anymore. :|

Uh. I am freezing (evidently the heating takes ages to start back up once it's been turned off for a while) and need to take a break from writing to re-orient myself, figure out what else I want to do while I'm here and how much time I've got left, etc. There will probably a locked post on ~feelings~ later.


Thursday, February 23rd, 2012 01:55 pm
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
Okay, so basically I don't have any time left to make this long; therefore I'll just say this: SUDDENLY, HOSPITAL.


I'll be gone for a while, check Twitter if you want to know what's going on as usual, etc., I really must go now. <_<

blah bluh glub

Friday, February 17th, 2012 11:31 am
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
A recap of things I have learned since my decision to go to that hospital in Hamburg:

- it's where my father used to work
- our old house is directly next to the hospital grounds
- that entire street was in fact reserved for employees at the time
- the ward is not just for women after all
- I'll actually be surrounded by people with similar problems for once
- getting there by train is a lot less expensive than I thought
- it doesn't take as long as I thought, either
- my mother's workplace is only 5 minutes from there by car
- there's a McDonald's nearby
- McDonald's sells cupcakes
- I really want to try some freaking cupcakes

(What?? CUPCAKES. :P Inspired by the realisation that they used to be practically unheard of in Germany until a few years ago and even now they're still tricky to acquire. My research also brought up an actual cupcake bakery in Hamburg, but sadly it's in a completely different area and kind of hard to get to via public transport. Quite close to where I used to attend group therapy, though! And it already existed back then. D: If I had but known ...)

So basically what's happening here is that I'm starting to think of the whole thing as this big adventure - against my own better judgement. Hmmm. The preparations aren't going very well, but at least my MP3 player is ready now. That's a start.
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
- Shopping for towels and a harddrive and such will be done tomorrow, hopefully, aided by lots of tea because I completely forgot about this and slept in the middle of the day, so now I'll have to stay up all night and just ... pretend to still be awake in the morning.

- Clothes I have bought so far now also include a bra, three pairs of socks and a third set of season-appropriate pyjamas. That's the basics out of the way, I guess. If I run out of money or can't find anything else, at least the situation will only be mildly embarrassing.

- My membership of [livejournal.com profile] danielpix was never approved; I guess the second moderator isn't actively moderating it anymore. However, I contacted the person next in line after myself and they took over for me, which ... was very nice of them, but now I feel terribly awkward about all this and am kind of avoiding the community for no good reason. Er. It'll pass.

- I've been making an effort to eat as many iron-rich foods as possible while drinking lots of orange juice for vitamin C, and of course I have no idea if it's working, but I do feel less tired from time to time and that's great even if it might be a placebo effect or coincidence. Note that I said "from time to time", though. It's so far from optimal that yesterday I ended up with literally not a single clean plate left and almost no cutlery. >_<;

- In a surprise turn of events, I not only managed to get up to date with Sinfest and found the place in Sam's journal where I'd left off (from which point on I am now slowly catching up), I also read a few of Patrick Rothfuss's older posts and then decided to just stick with the new ones.

(While I was at it, I promptly started going through all of my RSS subscriptions to throw out anything that had the potential to feel more like work than fun, unsubscribed from several long-since finished comics, some dead blogs and a couple of duplicates, found the new feed of something that I'd never realised had stopped updating, and finally marked the rest as read after having a short look at the titles. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW. You probably can't imagine it if you don't use a feed reader or keep yours very organised, but I'm so glad that no matter when I check it now, I can be certain that every new item will actually be of interest to me. And not in a "I wish I could look at this but I'm not up to date yet" way, either. "50 unread items" actually means "50 unread items" again instead of "There might be about 5 items to read here if you're lucky." Except it's unlikely to ever get to 50 in the first place.)
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
At the very least, my list of what needs to be done before I leave is taking shape. It'd be better if I could already have started working on it, but ... it's something.

I can't even reorganise my MP3 player yet because I don't have much music on this computer. I'm waiting for a call from A, who will hopefully drive me to the next bigger town again sometime this week, and then I'll buy a bunch of things including towels and an external harddrive. Possibly even a mouse because this one's driving me crazy ... well, crazier. Once I've got the harddrive, I'll take it over to Daniel's and FINALLY GET MY OLD FILES BACK. Wow. Then I'll spend a few hours agonising over which music to pick, heh. ;)

Come to think of it, there is one thing that I have already done - I bought some cheap underpants while I was grocery shopping on Saturday, since you can never have too many of those. Especially if you're planning to be away from home. Somehow I also feel like I could use more socks, which is a little weird seeing as I believe none of the ones I acquired during the summer have fallen apart yet. Oh well. You can't really have too many socks, either.

It's kind of funny how I'm still worrying about the same things as last time. Not even my headphone situation is ideal now: I'm going to feel stupid sitting around wearing a headset, though that certainly won't keep me from packing the thing, and when I'm outside ... well. I could use the earphones that I bought during my last hospital stay, but they're not exactly in top condition anymore. Maybe I'll find cheap but slightly better ones at the same store where I'll be looking for a harddrive. :S

As for non-underwear clothes? I'm trying not to think about it ...


faevii: (Default)

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