faevii: (slice of brain)
Oh my goodness. My entire life has acquired a distinct Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead theme lately. It's funny and sad and absurd on so many levels at once that I couldn't possibly put it into words. (Yet I predict that I'll try soon enough.) Also, the soundtrack currently consists almost exclusively of Kasabian's "Goodbye Kiss" and a Red Hot Chili Peppers b-side called "Funny Face" - as well as "The Crushing of the Little People" by Sucioperro when I'm angry, but that's nothing new (it's just so satisfying to hear someone sing "fuck you, don't dare think I'll take your shit again" when you're pissed off).

Now, as for those news. I've decided to risk going on vacation with my family regardless of my presently somewhat unstable condition, seeing as I would have had to go on "therapy break" soon anyway and I might as well make the most use of it that I can. Also, things happened and what is even the point of going back anymore, or of anything, oh gods I can't think I shouldn't be writing-

WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY. Is this. Vacation: one week in Denmark. Monday nine days from now until Sunday. Therapy break: two weeks sort of surrounding that one week. From the Wednesday that's coming up until either exactly two weeks later or maybe a few more days if there are no free beds then. Which means I'll


I only just realised

... Does anyone even care? Basically I'll be back for a few days, gone for a week, back for a few more days and then gone again. And my brain won't let me finish sentences, so whatever.

faevii: (slice of brain)
Sometimes I regret that I never had a chance to find out how I would have acted if I'd had internet access during my first few weeks here, when I felt so amazing. I didn't really start to miss it until things got worse - I missed certain people, yes, and I missed Google when I had a question, but I didn't miss Being Online as a way to waste spend time.

Finding things to do when I needed to sit down for more than an hour because my feet or my back had to recover was a challenge, but I got the hang of it after a while. Even other kinds of pain, which simply distracted me from whatever I started, could be helped because I was so calm that I didn't mind lying on a heating pad for 30 minutes, doing nothing. If all else failed, I went over to Daniel's to talk to him or play Dragon Age II. Sometimes I reread a book, and on one memorable occasion I even acquired a new book.

There was a time when I went for long walks really often, exercised a lot (an evolved version of my former "morning exercises", which eventually became too extensive to be done before breakfast) and spent a curious amount of time just listening to music, dancing around the place if the music invited it. :D I wouldn't exactly call this a positive development, though ... I think I may have been somewhat manic. It all felt rather compulsive, especially the walking. Still, I did have fun.

What killed it in the end was, of course, when the lack of sleep sapped the energy to do much of anything out of me, while the impulses to do all of the above remained. That was torture - I never missed the internet more in my life.

Now I've got it back, but I don't like having no other options. I hope I can soon start walking again, at least. Also, on another note, I hope can soon post my pictures! There are some of Things That I Made ... not necessarily the most exciting stuff, but I feel I need to display them as proof of the fact that I've done anything creative at all between now and two years ago.


Thursday, December 2nd, 2010 02:43 pm
faevii: (pain and suffering)
Uh, I promise not to fall into a three-posts-a-day habit again, but this wants out.

I've been taking the new meds for two weeks now and evidently I have not completely lost my mind. So far, so good. However, I'm not seeing any positive effects, either ... unless you count having managed to sleep normally for a week due to not sleeping very well and thus being constantly tired, which I'm really not sure is a good thing. Besides, the night before last my insomnia finally won out anyway.

I'm definitely going to give it some more time, but on the other hand I'm not sure it isn't affecting my mental state negatively at all. It's just so hard to say because I've been a bit nuts for two whole months! How do I tell whether it's being made worse by the meds or not?

There's this incredible boredom I can't get rid of. I already said this about a month ago, but it feels a bit like mania and depression at the same time. Part of me is going "DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING" like a squirrel on crack and yet I'm also completely NOT in the mood to do anything I can think of.

Occasionally this is made worse by sudden attacks of undefinied anxiety. I'm amazed I can even write at the moment because I am fidgeting rather dramatically and nearly bit through my lip a minute ago. My body is tingling as if pure adrenaline were flowing through my veins instead of blood and I have trouble breathing. SO MUCH FUN.

I don't know what it's about, I don't know what might help, I don't know anything. And it's definitely getting worse. Less and less things can hold my attention - almost every single day I lose another topic that I could previously read or hear about without getting distracted. If only I could simply go for a run or something!

Damn You Auto Correct helps sometimes. XD

Ahh, finally I can breathe again. Not that it's completely gone, but then ... it never really leaves.


faevii: (Default)

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