Okay then.

Thursday, December 8th, 2011 01:05 pm
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
As you might have guessed based on my sudden three-day absence, things didn't go so well. Then again, there used to be a time when a suspicious lack of posts from yours truly actually meant that I was feeling better than usual. Hm.

To make a long story short, I couldn't trick my brain into complying with a reasonable sleep schedule no matter what I did and eventually got tired of suffering the consequences of trying. I'm not even properly disappointed, I just wish I hadn't wasted any money on those valerian capsules. :|

For two days I simply went to bed whenever I got tired enough, but today I decided to stay awake a little longer again (since yesterday afternoon). Doing household stuff suddenly seems a whole lot easier, which is just typical. Can't get a thing done while sleeping "normally", but sleep deprivation does the trick. There's some logic for you.

In other news, I've kept in regular contact with Daniel and he appears to be capable of holding himself together while not drunk, which is quite the relief. We've also made plans regarding Timo's Christmas present and he has agreed to spend Christmas with me and my family, so all's pretty cool on that front.

Now for the most exciting part, except I'm kidding: THE FREAKING TRASH CONTAINERS ARE BACK. I only discovered it early this morning, sneaking around in the dark of night again. That was also quite the relief. I remain puzzled as to why they were ever gone in the first place, but I guess I will never find out. XD I'm just glad I can take out my trash whenever I wish again.
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
Change of plans. I decided to spend some time getting stuff done instead of going to bed ridiculously early. It was probably a bad idea, but then again ... I hardly did a thing during the last two days, so there was catching up to do. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle that tomorrow, if my past reactions to sleeping "normally" are anything to go by. It always seems to make me feel like crap in the physical sense, to be honest. I can think more clearly and have less trouble writing, but don't ask me to get up from my chair! Ugh.

I'll just ... stay awake again and continue as planned tomorrow? Hopefully this time I won't fall asleep on my chair. How do I even do that all the time?! It's not exactly comfortable ...

One of the things that I did was to buy a lot of food. I decided that it was time to move on from being all tentative about gluten-containing stuff by now, even though I still wouldn't say I'm convinced that I can eat it. What if the whole dilemma with the debilitating stomach cramps and you don't want to know what else suddenly does start up again? What if it takes a month for that to happen? It's not impossible, so I remain skeptical. But for now I am going to eat normally and thus I found myself faced with an abundance of ~OPTIONS~ at the supermarket. It was so hard not to buy everything at once! Dairy, too. I mostly walked around with a kind of dazed smile on my face, staring at the shelves in amazement but unable to decide what to reacquaint myself with first. XD I guess I did all right in the end. There will be spagetti later!!

Something funny happened when I walked past the ice cream section. I didn't intend to buy any, but had a look anyway. I spotted a brand that I remembered to be relatively cheap but delicious, and suddenly I found myself missing Daniel a whole lot. o.O I guess we used to ... sort of bond over food? I secretly loved it when he unexpectedly brought home something unnecessary but awesome like ice cream, even though I wished he did it less often because of the money. I actually did the same thing myself when I was the one to do the shopping, though usually with cheaper items and not as many at a time. And then if we were lucky enough to get the chance, we'd sit down with our "special" food and watch a movie or something. It was quite nice.

Not that we couldn't still do this, especially now that my dietary restrictions are seemingly gone. We simply need to remember to meet up for such evenings from time to time. :) He's looking for a new place though; I hope he finds one in this town and doesn't have to move away ...

Reboot

Friday, December 2nd, 2011 01:15 pm
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
Is this the part where I admit that my plan has failed? No, I refuse to do that. Instead, let's just say that my first attempt went wrong and I will have to start over. Nevertheless I'm a bit bummed that it happened as early as three days in. u_u

Sometime last night, I decided that I'd finally had enough of the noises that my bed was making, which I'd recently come to realise didn't actually continue when I was not in it anymore (I'm pretty sure that was the case at some point, though). So I pushed the bed into the middle of the room and placed the mattress on the floor in its usual spot. Then I went to the bathroom once more, drank some water and lay back down. I found it rather comfortable on the floor and listened to calming music for a while, plus you may remember that I'd been very tired to begin with - you'd think falling asleep should have been no problem, but then this is me we're talking about.

I gave up about two hours after I'd originally gone to bed. I suppose I could have only stayed awake for a limited time and then tried again, but in my tired and annoyed state I kind of forgot that was an option. Oops? (Well, I'm almost certain it wouldn't have worked, anyway.)

I will probably not be able to do a repeat performance of day one today, seeing as it's already 1 pm and I need to do a number of time-consuming things before I can go to bed. I don't think I'll manage all that within three hours. However, since I fell asleep on my chair this morning and thus did sleep a little, it may not actually be necessary to go to bed that early. I hope. I guess I could also set my alarm to 7 instead of 6. Haven't decided yet.

In any case I'll try again, whether that's another example of "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results" or not.

But whyyy ...

Thursday, December 1st, 2011 06:53 am
faevii: (broken spear)
Ugh, I just had a terrible night. I didn't miss these.

The only thing I remember somewhat clearly is thinking I might not be able to sleep because I felt so awake and my bed was making those blasted cracking noises again. I guess I must have fallen asleep pretty soon after all, but not for long. There was a lot of ... waking up. From bad dreams, for no apparent reason, from being cold, from being drenched in sweat, from pain ... or was the pain only what made going back to sleep so difficult that one time? I don't know. All I know is that the entire night freaking sucked.

If I hadn't been so fed up with lying there, I wouldn't have got out of bed when my alarm rang. Plan or no plan, I always lose my ability to think clearly in such situations. But I guess in a way I'm glad it happened because now I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be able to sleep easily tonight. I just have to make it through the day feeling very tired first. Blargh.

Also, everything hurts. That comes as no surprise.
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
I'm awake I'm awake I'm awake. This is such a relief.

I also think I may have spotted our trash containers back in the parking lot, which ... I'm not even going to comment on how very little sense that would make, buy hey. Once it's bright enough to actually see anything outside, I'll take another look.

I forgot to mention that I invented another way to make an Origami box the other day. Remember when that was sort of my thing? My quest for the perfect paper box?? (I haven't given up on my quest to find the perfect ketchup recipe, either. It's just on hold. XD) All I wanted was the ability to quickly make a simple, relatively stable, square box out of a single sheet of paper, and I thought it wouldn't be that hard to find instructions for one. I was wrong. I disliked the typical result that a search for "square origami box" would get you because it wasn't symmetrical and there were these pointless lose flaps covering the bottom of it. I don't like pointless lose flaps, okay? :P

So I went on to fold box after box, both simple and fancy, sturdy and decorative, square and not square ... until I eventually came up with a design of my own almost my accident. It was definitely a step up from anything I'd done before, but still not perfect. This new one isn't perfect, either ... but I like that it came to me so suddenly and that it's basically an inside-out version of the other one although I wasn't aiming for that and got the idea from a completely different kind of box. Now I've got two versions to choose from depending on what I want to put in them! You know, should I ever actually need a paper box. Which, uhm ... I am sure is going to happen one day. XD

I'd post a picture, but it's still a bit dark for that (though writing this certainly took a while) and I only have a neatly folded example of the one type at the moment. Maybe I'll do some more folding later.
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
I just got back from buying the things that I mentioned. It's not exactly morning anymore, but early enough to not disrupt my plan. Everything appears to be going well so far.

The same can be said for my gluten experiment, by the way. I will remain skeptical until I've been eating the stuff for at least one week, but for now I'm perfectly fine. Again, I cannot believe this is happening. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop ...

What distracted me from going into town earlier was Stargate Atlantis. I finally started watching it a few days ago and appear to be completely addicted already. I knew I was going to like it because I dimly remembered seeing a few episodes on tv once and that I enjoyed those very much, but what I didn't expect was that it would make me feel all nostalgic.

Apparently I hadn't only watched a few episodes back then, and suddenly I remembered exactly when "back then" was, too. I also had no idea that what I'd seen was season 1. Out of the first seven episodes, the very first was the only one that I wasn't entirely sure felt familiar. Then the next one was new to me, the one after that wasn't, and in case of episodes 10 and 11 I was once again not quite sure.

As I watched these vaguely familiar (and seemingly twice as awesome as last time) characters do vaguely familiar things, memories from the group home unexpectedly started to come back to me.

Watching tv with the boys. The illusion of being part of a group. One of them being a total Stargate expert and explaining the entire backstory to us others, when Daniel and I had merely wanted to know what had happened during the episode or part of an episode that we'd missed. Getting more and more excited about the show each week. Being surprised that Daniel was just as excited as I was; K being happy that we liked it at all.

I don't know when the episodes will stop looking familiar; whether we watched the season to the end or not and whether the second even came on while we still lived there. I'm looking forward to discovering things that are new to me, but I'm also enjoying this vague familiarity a lot. I sure love the show on its own as well though - I'm not yet sure why, it just ... seems to be practically made for me, somehow. I love everything about it and all of the characters. ALL OF THEM. Almost equally except that McKay has always been my favourite and now I'm suddenly taking a shine to Sheppard instead. I think it's got something to do with his voice; on German tv it was dubbed and who knows how that influenced my impression of him.

ALSO BECKETT'S ACCENT OMG I CANNOT. :3
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
I have a Plan again. It was bound to happen eventually. It always happens.

Okay then.

Tonight I am going to stay awake. Tomorrow morning I'll buy a caffeinated beverage of some sort and, if the money I've got left in my purse turns out to be enough for those, valerian capsules.

Sometime in the afternoon I'll go to bed. Preferably at 4 pm, because then I would still wake up early even if I slept for more than 12 hours. I will place the drink on my beside table and set my alarm to 6 am just in case. 14 hours should really be enough, but if it feels like they weren't, that's what the caffeine is for.

Depending on whether I woke up closer to midnight or to the time of my alarm, I will decide how early to go to bed next. I'll take some valerian an hour before then whether I'll seem to need it or not - it's more to make sure that I'm going to be in the mood for sleep than anything else. (An idea that I had at the hospital.)

Rinse and repeat until I get to a number of hours slept that feels right, then pick an alarm time to stick with. That's it so far!

I didn't think I'd make another attempt at developing a proper sleep schedule anytime soon, but then I remembered that my meds were partly to blame for that ... and, well, I went off them a few days ago. I'd already been breaking the pills in half for weeks without feeling worse, so I figured I was better off without them.

I hope I won't be interrupted by some kind of weird, unforeseen event this time. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG??

Update

Friday, August 12th, 2011 01:37 pm
faevii: (ye shall not eff me)
The good news: I didn't forget my idea. The bad news: I still haven't managed to turn it into a proper plan. I scribbled down some quick notes before I went to bed last night, but they're rather vague. Very far from becoming a plan.

In case you're curious as to what kind of plan I'm even talking about, previous Plans™ of mine have included:

- eating or exercising at specific intervals
- making a to-do list every morning or before going to bed
- practising self-awareness by sticking reminders in various places
- going outside everyday, even if it's only for a minute
- limiting the time I spend at the computer
- keeping a list of potential solutions for several problems nearby
- having my phone remind me of various things

etc.

Sometimes I thought I was being all kinds of clever, like for example when I concentrated on simply not forgetting things, as opposed to resolving to actually do them. I thought this would help me get stuff done without making me feel guiltier than usual if I didn't, but in the end I got sick of the phone reminders always going off at the worst moments ever - like when I was in the bathroom or when we had guests or when I'd just sat down to eat and the phone was at the other end of the room. >.<

My new plan will be a little like these, except hopefully better. There won't be any kind of fixed schedule involved because I am basically allergic to those. The "list of potential solutions" will be reinvented and improved upon. I really think I've got it this time ... let's pretend that it isn't a thought I've had many times before, eh?

I'll try to work on it now. I'll tryyy.

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Lin

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