fifteen years of blood, sweat and tears (in amazement)

Change of plans. I decided to spend some time getting stuff done instead of going to bed ridiculously early. It was probably a bad idea, but then again ... I hardly did a thing during the last two days, so there was catching up to do. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle that tomorrow, if my past reactions to sleeping "normally" are anything to go by. It always seems to make me feel like crap in the physical sense, to be honest. I can think more clearly and have less trouble writing, but don't ask me to get up from my chair! Ugh.

I'll just ... stay awake again and continue as planned tomorrow? Hopefully this time I won't fall asleep on my chair. How do I even do that all the time?! It's not exactly comfortable ...

One of the things that I did was to buy a lot of food. I decided that it was time to move on from being all tentative about gluten-containing stuff by now, even though I still wouldn't say I'm convinced that I can eat it. What if the whole dilemma with the debilitating stomach cramps and you don't want to know what else suddenly does start up again? What if it takes a month for that to happen? It's not impossible, so I remain skeptical. But for now I am going to eat normally and thus I found myself faced with an abundance of ~OPTIONS~ at the supermarket. It was so hard not to buy everything at once! Dairy, too. I mostly walked around with a kind of dazed smile on my face, staring at the shelves in amazement but unable to decide what to reacquaint myself with first. XD I guess I did all right in the end. There will be spagetti later!!

Something funny happened when I walked past the ice cream section. I didn't intend to buy any, but had a look anyway. I spotted a brand that I remembered to be relatively cheap but delicious, and suddenly I found myself missing Daniel a whole lot. o.O I guess we used to ... sort of bond over food? I secretly loved it when he unexpectedly brought home something unnecessary but awesome like ice cream, even though I wished he did it less often because of the money. I actually did the same thing myself when I was the one to do the shopping, though usually with cheaper items and not as many at a time. And then if we were lucky enough to get the chance, we'd sit down with our "special" food and watch a movie or something. It was quite nice.

Not that we couldn't still do this, especially now that my dietary restrictions are seemingly gone. We simply need to remember to meet up for such evenings from time to time. :) He's looking for a new place though; I hope he finds one in this town and doesn't have to move away ...

Ugh, I just had a terrible night. I didn't miss these.

The only thing I remember somewhat clearly is thinking I might not be able to sleep because I felt so awake and my bed was making those blasted cracking noises again. I guess I must have fallen asleep pretty soon after all, but not for long. There was a lot of ... waking up. From bad dreams, for no apparent reason, from being cold, from being drenched in sweat, from pain ... or was the pain only what made going back to sleep so difficult that one time? I don't know. All I know is that the entire night freaking sucked.

If I hadn't been so fed up with lying there, I wouldn't have got out of bed when my alarm rang. Plan or no plan, I always lose my ability to think clearly in such situations. But I guess in a way I'm glad it happened because now I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be able to sleep easily tonight. I just have to make it through the day feeling very tired first. Blargh.

Also, everything hurts. That comes as no surprise.

I just got back from buying the things that I mentioned. It's not exactly morning anymore, but early enough to not disrupt my plan. Everything appears to be going well so far.

The same can be said for my gluten experiment, by the way. I will remain skeptical until I've been eating the stuff for at least one week, but for now I'm perfectly fine. Again, I cannot believe this is happening. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop ...

What distracted me from going into town earlier was Stargate Atlantis. I finally started watching it a few days ago and appear to be completely addicted already. I knew I was going to like it because I dimly remembered seeing a few episodes on tv once and that I enjoyed those very much, but what I didn't expect was that it would make me feel all nostalgic.

Apparently I hadn't only watched a few episodes back then, and suddenly I remembered exactly when "back then" was, too. I also had no idea that what I'd seen was season 1. Out of the first seven episodes, the very first was the only one that I wasn't entirely sure felt familiar. Then the next one was new to me, the one after that wasn't, and in case of episodes 10 and 11 I was once again not quite sure.

As I watched these vaguely familiar (and seemingly twice as awesome as last time) characters do vaguely familiar things, memories from the group home unexpectedly started to come back to me.

Watching tv with the boys. The illusion of being part of a group. One of them being a total Stargate expert and explaining the entire backstory to us others, when Daniel and I had merely wanted to know what had happened during the episode or part of an episode that we'd missed. Getting more and more excited about the show each week. Being surprised that Daniel was just as excited as I was; K being happy that we liked it at all.

I don't know when the episodes will stop looking familiar; whether we watched the season to the end or not and whether the second even came on while we still lived there. I'm looking forward to discovering things that are new to me, but I'm also enjoying this vague familiarity a lot. I sure love the show on its own as well though - I'm not yet sure why, it just ... seems to be practically made for me, somehow. I love everything about it and all of the characters. ALL OF THEM. Almost equally except that McKay has always been my favourite and now I'm suddenly taking a shine to Sheppard instead. I think it's got something to do with his voice; on German tv it was dubbed and who knows how that influenced my impression of him.

ALSO BECKETT'S ACCENT OMG I CANNOT. :3

The good news: I didn't forget my idea. The bad news: I still haven't managed to turn it into a proper plan. I scribbled down some quick notes before I went to bed last night, but they're rather vague. Very far from becoming a plan.

In case you're curious as to what kind of plan I'm even talking about, previous Plans™ of mine have included:

- eating or exercising at specific intervals
- making a to-do list every morning or before going to bed
- practising self-awareness by sticking reminders in various places
- going outside everyday, even if it's only for a minute
- limiting the time I spend at the computer
- keeping a list of potential solutions for several problems nearby
- having my phone remind me of various things

etc.

Sometimes I thought I was being all kinds of clever, like for example when I concentrated on simply not forgetting things, as opposed to resolving to actually do them. I thought this would help me get stuff done without making me feel guiltier than usual if I didn't, but in the end I got sick of the phone reminders always going off at the worst moments ever - like when I was in the bathroom or when we had guests or when I'd just sat down to eat and the phone was at the other end of the room. >.<

My new plan will be a little like these, except hopefully better. There won't be any kind of fixed schedule involved because I am basically allergic to those. The "list of potential solutions" will be reinvented and improved upon. I really think I've got it this time ... let's pretend that it isn't a thought I've had many times before, eh?

I'll try to work on it now. I'll tryyy.