HORMONES

You know what's really annoying? Ever since I turned 20 or so, I've had this inexplicable tendency to be moved to tears by absolutely everything. It's especially noticeable when I'm watching Doctor Who because most episodes have a lot of dramatic scenes with nice music and such. Something's vaguely beautiful or sad? MUST HOLD BACK TEARS. Seriously, I don't know what to do about that anymore. It hinders my enjoyment of almost everything I watch or read! And live music. Occasionally even other music. Does my head in.

As I have mentioned before, I used to enjoy being the type of person who never cried during movies. However, I'm over that now and would be perfectly okay with it if only it were limited to things that actually deserve this kind of reaction. Not, you know, random scenes from Doctor Who that I would personally describe as boring or cheesy. And I'm not saying that to "save face" or anything, I actually do find the things that make me cry boring or cheesy sometimes. It doesn't make any sense!

It started around the same time I suddenly couldn't look at babies without tearing up anymore, so I logically concluded that some sort of hormonal change had just occured. IDK, maybe being in love set it off or it simply came with age. Whatever. All I care about is that it NEVER WENT AWAY and I would LIKE FOR IT TO DO SO. I mean, this can't be normal? Most people women female-bodied people fuck it people don't have to deal with this sort of thing on a regular basis, do they? Or DO they? Was I unusual for being unaffected before??

... Now that reminded me of another post I've been meaning to write. Let's see if my internet connection will let that happen.

Other Post

(I know, creative title. Referring to what I said in the last one, of course.)

There's this scene in the Doctor Who episode where David Tennant first appears, in which he has only just regenerated and not quite recovered from it. (I recently reblogged a gif and a quote from it on Tumblr, but I'd been meaning to write this for much longer than that.) Since he hasn't had any time to get used to his new body, the following happens:

SYCORAX LEADER: I demand to know who you are!
THE DOCTOR: I don't know! See, that's the thing. I'm the Doctor, but beyond that? I ... I just don't know. I literally do not know who I am. It's all in testing. Am I funny? Am I sarcastic? Sexy? A right old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed? Left-handed? A gambler? A fighter? A coward? A traitor? A liar? A nervous wreck?

I have seen the episode twice by now and both times it struck me how much I could relate to that despite not being a Timelord and all. Alright, so maybe I like to see metaphors for everything everywhere, but the point is that it reminds me of a thought I have from time to time.

It occured to me one day while I was contemplating the possibility of a magical cure. Or a cure from the future, whichever. ;) I was wondering what I would do if I were offered the opportunity to be completely healthy all of a sudden ... and I realised that I didn't even know who I would be afterwards. Would I still be a coward, or would I maybe overreact to the sudden change and no longer be afraid of anything? Would I still have trouble socialising or would I discover that it was nothing but a symptom? Would I be more disciplined or still lazy? Would I enjoy being inside or outside more? Would I like animals? Would my gender identity stop swaying in the wind or is that actually a part of my true self? Would I still be an obsessive fan?

I know that all of this sounds a bit dramatic, but honestly, how could I possibly be sure of these things?! Not that it would stop me if I ever was offered a cure, you know. I'm just worried that one day I will half-heartedly try out another treatment, surprisedly discover that it works and find myself turning into a different person.