There I am ... again ...

Five and a half weeks, yo. Will I ever get out of there?! For the time being I'm only back for the weekend, as usual, although it's been discussed that I should start going home more often in the near future. From what I gathered, I'll be asked to keep a mood journal during those times then, but I don't quite see how that's supposed to help. What, are they hoping to chance upon a diagnosis that way? From information such as "I'm happy because I just talked to my friend" or "I'm worried that I might miss the train"?? Half the time I don't even know where my mood changes come from, so there will likely be a lot of "SUDDEN GIDDINESS LOL", too.

Speaking of which. I was kinda-sorta depressed for a couple of days at the start of the week, unable to talk myself into doing things other than reading or sleeping. Then on Wednesday that suddenly changed - from one moment to the next I was extraordinarily happy, the only explanation I could think of being that I'd been able to concentrate even on complicated matters pretty well for several hours, which only brings up the question where that came from. Honestly, sometimes I'm as much of a mystery to myself as to the doctors.

Today I am very tired because my sleep was disturbed quite spectacularly; late at night a doctor and a nurse suddenly came in to tell us that they were very sorry but a third patient would have to spend the night in our room, and said patient turned out to be ... well, how do I put this? She didn't seem to know what she was doing; for the first few hours she frequently jumped out of bed just to leave the room and immediately come back in, left the door wide open and lay back down as if nothing had happened. Once she went to the toilet without closing that door, sometimes she turned on the light ... I have no idea how much I slept in the end, but it certainly can't have been enough.

I'm still thinking pretty clearly though, considering the circumstances. I hope that will help me get everything important done before I collapse into bed tonight.

In which I probably sound a leeettle naive. XD

Didn't I want to go to bed? Eh. I just remembered something and the washing machine isn't done yet anyway, so whatever. :P

When I went grocery shopping today, I saw a person whose gender remained a mystery to me the entire time. It struck me how rarely that happens in such a small town, and besides it was likely not even an intended effect. I don't think I have ever seen an openly gay couple in any of the small towns I've lived in over the course of my life, either. There are just not enough of us for any kind of LGBT~ community to form in places that only have around nine thousand inhabitants total, or even twenty thousand. It's frustrating.

How often have I been given the same, friendly advice that if I'm feeling lonely, I should visit this or that place to meet some new people? And I want to, but I can't get over how unlikely it is that anyone there will even have heard of some of the things that I identify as. (Plus I am also mentally ill and have never had a job - I might as well inhabitate a different universe as the majority of people that I meet. Especially that last fact takes away quite a number of potential topics to talk about.)

For a few days right at the start of my hospital stay, there was a lesbian there and the others seemed to accept her just fine. Seeing that made me feel a little better, but it wasn't like I could relate to her much, either. By the by, I've noticed that as far as I remember, nobody has ever assumed me to be a lesbian in spite of my short hair and the lack of make-up etc., which is curious considering how often people normally tend to jump to that sort of conclusion. I'm beginning to suspect that I actually come across as asexual, or possibly just so strange that it overshadows everything else. IDK. Or maybe they think it's all part of my perceived "shyness" (which I wouldn't personally call that but I'm too tired to come up with a better word right now).

The point is (ahaha, not that again ... *quickly shuts up inner drunk Crowley*), I spend a lot of time thinking about moving to a city. Or rather Hamburg, because it's the closest one and I've got no reason to move away farther than necessary. Recently I even overheard Tommy remark, to a girl who appeared to be unhappy with her living situation, that she should move to Hamburg because the "athmosphere" (or some similar word) there was so much better or more relaxed or something, which immediately brought back all of my silly ideas of the great big city as a magical wonderland. And Daniel told me that he discovered this super cool place somewhere in Hamburg that is kind of a bar/restaurant/café hybrid, where all the regulars appeared to be awesome people and that I totally wanted to visit after he'd finished his tale.

But ... but I don't like cities. They're loud, and there's movement everywhere you look and so many lights and tall buildings and ... I just find such places exhausting, alright? =_=; worse than furniture stores

My mother calls herself a Hamburgian although she doesn't live there anymore. I find her identification with the city fascinating; it makes me want to experience that feeling myself.

I don't know. This is all very odd. I can't stop thinking about it because it keeps coming up on its own. I guess the best I can do is to start spending time there occasionally to see how it affects me. :S

(Washing machine definitely done now. Why did this get so long?!)