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When did I start locking all posts, anyway? It wasn't on purpose, I just don't really see the point in making them public anymore. I would if I wrote a particularly funny one or something, but that hasn't happened in a while.
... I'll leave this one public as an explanation, then. If anyone even cares.
Somehow I acquired a certain indifference to the approval or attention of strangers (and semi-strangers) while I began to think of some people I recently met as my friends. (Well, semi-friends. -_-) I was suddenly so close to them that it gave me a whole new perspective on my previous attempts at social interaction. I realised for the millionth time that only those who are making an actual effort to get to know you really matter, except this time it finally stuck. I guess I used to be too lonely to be able to give anyone up. And I was putting as many of my thoughts out there as possible in the faint hope that somebody would speak up and say, "Me too." Which happened, like, once in seven years, so I wouldn't exactly call it an effective method.
So I stopped caring. And it was a good thing, but now I'm already feeling lonely again and I still can't bring myself to care. :| At this point I'm really only writing for myself, to untangle my thoughts and keep a record of my life, except I'm not even very good at that anymore. Talking to therapists and nurses lessens the urge to do the former in writing and not caring what people think lessens the urge to do the latter in public. Of course it's not entirely gone (I MUST TALK ABOUT MYSELF >_>), but ... locked tweets tend to suffice now, I guess. I also take short, hand-written notes when I don't forget.
I don't like not having a detailed journal, but that's a problem I've been struggling with since I was 12 ... and kind of a different matter than what this post was meant to be about.
Basically, this journal is now 99% locked and sporadically public. I never thought I'd say that, I never thought I'd lock my Twitter account, I never thought having an audience would stop motivating me. This is so strange. :S
... I'll leave this one public as an explanation, then. If anyone even cares.
Somehow I acquired a certain indifference to the approval or attention of strangers (and semi-strangers) while I began to think of some people I recently met as my friends. (Well, semi-friends. -_-) I was suddenly so close to them that it gave me a whole new perspective on my previous attempts at social interaction. I realised for the millionth time that only those who are making an actual effort to get to know you really matter, except this time it finally stuck. I guess I used to be too lonely to be able to give anyone up. And I was putting as many of my thoughts out there as possible in the faint hope that somebody would speak up and say, "Me too." Which happened, like, once in seven years, so I wouldn't exactly call it an effective method.
So I stopped caring. And it was a good thing, but now I'm already feeling lonely again and I still can't bring myself to care. :| At this point I'm really only writing for myself, to untangle my thoughts and keep a record of my life, except I'm not even very good at that anymore. Talking to therapists and nurses lessens the urge to do the former in writing and not caring what people think lessens the urge to do the latter in public. Of course it's not entirely gone (I MUST TALK ABOUT MYSELF >_>), but ... locked tweets tend to suffice now, I guess. I also take short, hand-written notes when I don't forget.
I don't like not having a detailed journal, but that's a problem I've been struggling with since I was 12 ... and kind of a different matter than what this post was meant to be about.
Basically, this journal is now 99% locked and sporadically public. I never thought I'd say that, I never thought I'd lock my Twitter account, I never thought having an audience would stop motivating me. This is so strange. :S
