Actual Email Update

I only realised a few days ago that I announced I was back and then stopped posting for weeks. Sorry about that. The reason, as those who follow me on Tumblr should know and most who follow me on Twitter will have figured out as well, is that I was only home for three and a half days.

On Friday I came back, on Saturday I had a panic attack, on Sunday I hurt myself again and Monday morning I decided that allowing me to leave had practically been criminal negligence.

I then spent what was left of the morning and part of the afternoon trying to reach anyone who might help me figure out what to do next, only got A's holiday/sickness replacement again and eventually ended up in the /other/ hospital. You know, where I last was in 2011. [{(Tommy.)]}

I'm still there now, hence the email-posting. Will make another entry later, about how it's going.

Part 2

At first I got the impression that it was suddenly better for me to be here than in Hamburg. The memories didn't bother me, either - it felt like the person who'd lived them wasn't really me, which I suppose makes a certain kind of sense since it was technically me-under-the-influence-of-Tommy. Am I myself now, or me-under-the-influence-of-Loki? I don't know. Things have changed.

The doctors here made some alterations to my meds to help me sleep, but now the pain is back and I feel incredibly tired every morning no matter how much I slept. So that wasn't exactly a success. It also means I'm trapped here until I can get them to either undo the changes or find something else that helps. And after more than a month, I sure am fed up with this place. :/

For a while I was pretty depressed and therefore pessimistic, but aside from that I hoped I might actually get some real help here this time. It looked that way, at first. But by now the doctors seem to be stuck in an endless loop of telling me something has to change and then not changing anything. I guess they're expecting ME to do something again without telling me what that is. Maybe they don't know. It's the same problem as always and I can't believe I didn't see it coming. How many times does a course of events have to repeat itself until I finally start to expect it?!

Well, at least I've had a lot of time to think. And I discovered one little thing that I can do to relax, though I don't know what to call it. Drawing geometrical patterns, I suppose. I already tried that in Hamburg once, but I had so much trouble achieving circular symmetry that I gave up. This time I practised simpler designs until they got circular almost by accident. Later they started looking a little like Celtic knots, also mostly by accident. I have no idea why I'm doing it, but it helps. Feels almost like doing magic.

Oh, family.

I've had a surprisingly family-themed weekend.

Yesterday I picked up my brother at this town's train station to hang out and have "a coffee or something", which in my case turned out to be iced chocolate. It went really well and I definitely want to do it again, not just with him but also with M when she returns from Hungary.

The one part that left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth was when he asked me why exactly I'm in hospital and I just mumbled something about panic attacks. I didn't know what to say at all. This is not a topic I can speak freely about with a 15-year-old ... or anyone in the family, really. :/

Then today, my mother came to visit. We went into town as well, by car, and ended up at a different ice cream place. It was mostly pleasant, too. But - with my mother there's always a but.

One time I spilled a tear because I felt she was accusing me of the same old thing as she always used to: that if I truly cared about my goals, I would be making progress towards them already; therefore I must not be as invested in them as I think, and now the next step is to find my ~real~ goal so I will be motivated enough to finally get somewhere. Well, fuck you, too. :|

It's funny how I only need to spell it out like that and she'll immediately backtrack, nope, that wasn't what I meant, no sir, nothing to see here. Then she makes a suggestion that is actually useful and it's like it never happened. @_@

At another point I kind of complained about being surrounded by strange, sick people and she took this as a clue to tell me how much I didn't belong in a mental hospital. I just made some non-committal noise while thinking, "IF YOU ONLY KNEW." In other words, same situation as with L. Sigh.

The useful suggestions were good, though, and I reminded her that I wanted to know more about our family history. This time she wrote it down.

I came back from both events kind of motivated and sad. Odd combination, but no surprise when dealing with my family ...