fifteen years of blood, sweat and tears (in amazement)

When did I start locking all posts, anyway? It wasn't on purpose, I just don't really see the point in making them public anymore. I would if I wrote a particularly funny one or something, but that hasn't happened in a while.

... I'll leave this one public as an explanation, then. If anyone even cares.

Somehow I acquired a certain indifference to the approval or attention of strangers (and semi-strangers) while I began to think of some people I recently met as my friends. (Well, semi-friends. -_-) I was suddenly so close to them that it gave me a whole new perspective on my previous attempts at social interaction. I realised for the millionth time that only those who are making an actual effort to get to know you really matter, except this time it finally stuck. I guess I used to be too lonely to be able to give anyone up. And I was putting as many of my thoughts out there as possible in the faint hope that somebody would speak up and say, "Me too." Which happened, like, once in seven years, so I wouldn't exactly call it an effective method.

So I stopped caring. And it was a good thing, but now I'm already feeling lonely again and I still can't bring myself to care. :| At this point I'm really only writing for myself, to untangle my thoughts and keep a record of my life, except I'm not even very good at that anymore. Talking to therapists and nurses lessens the urge to do the former in writing and not caring what people think lessens the urge to do the latter in public. Of course it's not entirely gone (I MUST TALK ABOUT MYSELF >_>), but ... locked tweets tend to suffice now, I guess. I also take short, hand-written notes when I don't forget.

I don't like not having a detailed journal, but that's a problem I've been struggling with since I was 12 ... and kind of a different matter than what this post was meant to be about.

Basically, this journal is now 99% locked and sporadically public. I never thought I'd say that, I never thought I'd lock my Twitter account, I never thought having an audience would stop motivating me. This is so strange. :S

[I slept on my chair again. Am now a little more awake. Lalala.]

Today in posts that I've been meaning to make for a while but kept forgetting about: WEIRD STARGATE FEELINGS.

Okay, I realise that like ... absolutely nobody who reads this is really a Stargate fan and I have no idea if any of you have even watched SG-1, ever (all I know is that one person has seen Atlantis), but I promise I'm not going to talk about anything specific from the shows, just ... well, my feelings. o.O

The thing is, I've been jumping from one fandom to the next very quickly since I started downloading TV shows, always almost completely abandoning the previous one when I got into something new. Yes, I keep up with the ones that are currently running and sometimes even get quite excited about a new episode, but ... that's it, then. I watch it, I do some incoherent babbling about it, I relive it once more through Tumblr because everyone's posting gifs and screencaps, and then I'm done.

Stargate is different. It feels special to me. I made it through ten seasons in a single month, and if I had a better computer, I probably would have started rewatching episodes already. Being a Stargate fan reminds me of being an X-Files fan, which is very odd because the shows themselves don't have much in common. There's the "we're clearly in love but cannot be together because of our work" Official Canon Couple, I suppose, and maybe grey aliens. I suspect that the humourous aspects are similar as well, but it's been so long since I last watched The X-Files that I can't be sure. (Note to self: I should do something about that.)

( cut for length )

I could go on for a while, but I know: nobody cares. My point is that I feel like I've unexpectedly stumbled upon something magical. I want more of it. I wish I had friends who were only discovering it now as well because then I'd have someone to discuss all the things with that are old news to everyone else. I want to list my favourite pairings to read fanfic about and actually get a response. THIS IS FRUSTRATING.

Hahaha, I think I am in danger of simply falling over from exhaustion sometime today. Two and a half hours until A picks me up and I'm already very tired. I also just realised that I don't have a lot of food left, so technically I need to go grocery shopping ASAP. But since I've got other plans ...

Speaking of which, I thought that if I was lucky, A might also drive me straight back home. However, the last time we talked on the phone, I found out that I'll have to go back by train. This would not normally bother me; in fact I thought I'd use the chance to stop by the hairdresser's near the station. I mean, yay for cheap haircuts! Because if I had it done in my own town, it would cost me a lot more. The thing is just ... I'd have to shower a second time after that. Those little loose hairs are not something I can handle. But can I shower twice in one day after not having slept?? (Do I even have two clean towels, for that matter? I am incapable of reusing towels.)

And then I'm supposed to buy food after all that, or what. o_O

So, best case scenario: I do everything and somehow survive. Worst case scenario: I get my hair cut and shower, then find that I don't have it in me to go out again. Reasonable course of action: skip the haircut, go straight from the station to the closest supermarket and only buy a small selection of foods for the immediate future.

But ... but I'm really fed up with my hair and I won't get another chance like this anytime soon! ARGH. For once I don't want to be reasonable.

What if I just told myself I could do this, like people always say you're supposed to? WHAT IF?? [stay tuned to find out lol]

What's a nice, English expression for "I have inadvertently navigated myself into an unfavourable situation that I don't see any way out of"? Not that the language matters, mind you. I cannot currently think of any German ones, either; all I know is that it is precisely what I just did.

My mistake was only to forget something, but the entirety of what happened has to be explained in a little more detail. I will be explaining it to myself as well, seeing as I've pretty much lost track of absolutely bloody everything by now. How fortunate that I can look back on my Twitter timeline and make deductions as to what happened when!

I see that it has just turned Friday. On Wednesday I started out feeling terrible both physically and mentally because I had slept badly and then needed to cancel an appointment. I decided that the best course of action was to thoroughly distract myself, in which I succeeded to my own surprise despite not having a plan. I simply hung out on Tumblr a lot and continued to read Homestuck, a kind of multimedia webcomic that I had recently discovered and become inexplicably fascinated with.

The obvious downside to being thoroughly distracted is that you're also in danger of forgetting to do essential things such as eating. That's where the pudding (!!~) comes in. On Wednesday morning I had chocolate pudding for breakfast because my sleepiness didn't allow me to do anything other than grab the next best edible thing and hastily plop down on my chair with it. When I finally felt up to the task of cooking, I was in the mood for bananas and searched the internet for a recipe involving them that I happened to have all the ingredients for. And thus ... I made a big bowl of banana pudding.

Around dinner time it occured to me that I had eaten nothing but pudding all day, which I found mildly amusing. Two or three hours later, Tom Hiddleston tweeted a picture of pudding, which everyone found very amusing. I spotted a sentence among the masses of amused commentary that made me wonder whether this was some kind of in-joke, but sadly I couldn't figure it out and soon returned to my distractions.

Then I accidentally remained distracted until four in the morning. Whoops.

I wouldn't say that I made a decision, exactly, to stay awake even longer. I had simply become so addicted to Homestuck overnight that I couldn't bring myself to stop reading. From then on it gets especially hazy - don't ask what I did for the next, oh I dunno, say TWELVE FREAKING HOURS OR SOMETHING, as I have no idea aside from the fact that at some point I ate rice for breakfast and my tweets mention food one additional time. I can only speculate that I actually spent most of them engrossed in that ridiculous story, possibly even ignoring my poor, unlucky bladder the entire time. Eventually I got to the end, however, or rather the most recent page. Ecstatic that I was now all up to date and could check out some fan art without fearing spoilers, I proceeded to do so for OH I DUNNO PROBABLY A VERY LONG TIME.

I said some pretty strange things in various places. Well, mostly the tags on my Tumblr posts just got more and more rambly (that is so a word). And then I became aware of this amazingly awesome exchange that had happened on Twitter while I was busy, between the aforementioned Tom Hiddleston and a Loki RP account that I wasn't following yet at the time, which was funny enough in its own right but also mentioned PUDDING again and then I looked at said RP account and the pudding was everywhere and by this point I was naturally hella sleep-deprived so EVERYTHING WAS FUNNY and I swear I nearly died of laughter.

Unfortunately this was also roughly the moment when the forgetting took place. Remember, this post was supposed to have a point? Yeah, idk either anymore. So what I forgot was that it was already Thursday night by now and that I was expecting someone Friday morning.

WHOOPS.

There wasn't nearly enough time left to sleep as long as one usually does after having been awake for two days, but I couldn't very well stay awake for another night, either ... or could I???

Apparently I can. It is slowly becoming Friday morning as we speak and I am almost certain that I'm about to beat some kind of personal record. Where am I even getting all this energy from?! PROBABLY NOT FOOD, I IMAGINE. The last two and a half days have been turned into a great, swirling memory sludge consisting mostly of Homestuck, laughter and pudding, in which I'm sure a couple of meals are floating around as well but surely not enough for such a long time?!

The thing is, there is no turning back now. If I were to fall asleep accidentally, having to get up to answer the door even merely to say "Sorry but no, bye!" would equal a kind of torture that - yeah, just no. :| So what I'm doing is staying awake. For at least 49 hours oh gods what is my life.

(Congratulations if anyone actually made it through all of this, I found lots of it funny but EVERYTHING IS FUNNY remember so idk I guess I'm biased.)