That awkward moment ...

Saturday, May 19th, 2012 04:13 pm
faevii: (what is this i don't even)
... when you want to announce that you've had to change plans, only to realise that you never mentioned your original plan in the first place. -_- All this being away and stuff is totally messing with my writing habits.

What I wanted to do was spend the night at home this weekend, what with four weeks already being over again so that I'm allowed to do this once more, just like last time. It also would have enabled me to attend my mother's birthday party tonight, but then I got sick and started to doubt it was a good idea, and when I called my mother to discuss this with her, I found out she was sick as well and there'd be no party, anyway. In light of that, it was an easy decision - I figured I'd better not waste my joker, so to speak, on a weekend during which I might still feel miserable.

It seems to have been a wise decision: I'm only barely starting to get better, if that. So instead I'm here for a few hours again, trying to think of useful things to do that aren't physically challenging.

I also wanted to watch The Avengers sometime this week, but my luck wouldn't let me. On Thursday, which was a holiday and therefore the perfect opportunity, it was on at 16:50 - too late for me to get back to the hospital in time because that film is so freaking long. Tomorrow the same problem applies and today they're not showing it at all. On regular weekdays I'm generally not allowed to go out long enough. I admit I'm making this extra difficult by refusing to watch the dubbed version, but come on ...

In summary, the whole week has felt quite pointless. I didn't get anything done, didn't have any productive ideas, never knew what to talk about and so on. It's like my life was put on hold just because of a stupid cold. I hope it'll be over soon because I don't know what I'm doing therapy for if I can't even think of anything to say.

[???]

Saturday, April 21st, 2012 06:17 pm
faevii: (an actual sentence)
When did I start locking all posts, anyway? It wasn't on purpose, I just don't really see the point in making them public anymore. I would if I wrote a particularly funny one or something, but that hasn't happened in a while.

... I'll leave this one public as an explanation, then. If anyone even cares.

Somehow I acquired a certain indifference to the approval or attention of strangers (and semi-strangers) while I began to think of some people I recently met as my friends. (Well, semi-friends. -_-) I was suddenly so close to them that it gave me a whole new perspective on my previous attempts at social interaction. I realised for the millionth time that only those who are making an actual effort to get to know you really matter, except this time it finally stuck. I guess I used to be too lonely to be able to give anyone up. And I was putting as many of my thoughts out there as possible in the faint hope that somebody would speak up and say, "Me too." Which happened, like, once in seven years, so I wouldn't exactly call it an effective method.

So I stopped caring. And it was a good thing, but now I'm already feeling lonely again and I still can't bring myself to care. :| At this point I'm really only writing for myself, to untangle my thoughts and keep a record of my life, except I'm not even very good at that anymore. Talking to therapists and nurses lessens the urge to do the former in writing and not caring what people think lessens the urge to do the latter in public. Of course it's not entirely gone (I MUST TALK ABOUT MYSELF >_>), but ... locked tweets tend to suffice now, I guess. I also take short, hand-written notes when I don't forget.

I don't like not having a detailed journal, but that's a problem I've been struggling with since I was 12 ... and kind of a different matter than what this post was meant to be about.

Basically, this journal is now 99% locked and sporadically public. I never thought I'd say that, I never thought I'd lock my Twitter account, I never thought having an audience would stop motivating me. This is so strange. :S
faevii: "I take my noodles very seriously" (srs bizness)
I just updated my sticky post to reflect certain changes in my updating habits. I've become more cautious about security again, but in a different way than before. Where I used to worry that someone would connect one of my online accounts to another, or that a person who knows me might stumble upon a picture and recognise me, I'm now more concerned about deliberate attempts to find me by people who know that Lin is a nickname of mine. My entire view of what's important enough to be made public has changed, too, and I care less about catching the attention of potential new internet friends because I'm less lonely. It's only one quarter paranoia and three quarters growing up, really. Shifting priorities.

Besides, I wouldn't even mind if someone found me - I just wouldn't want them to be able to see this much personal information at once. That's also why I've protected my tweets: I'm not afraid of being found and will even consider giving people access to them should it happen, but until it does, I want to be able to speak freely without having to think first.

Then there's the fact that going back to school is starting to look like an actual possibility all of a sudden, which means I might soon be one step closer to eventually seeking employment etc., and I'd rather put less of myself out there to begin with then waste a lot of brain power controlling what goes where.

I've stopped cross-posting to LiveJournal as well and am currently in the process of locking most of my posts over there, but that's more about wanting to distance myself from the site. Dreamwidth is simply that much better. :P

Once I am done, which ... is not going to be very soon ... I'll probably start locking some posts here on DW, too. Perhaps the next time I pick up the neverending task of organising my tags.

I swear this is more of a good thing than it sounds like. o.O
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
[I slept on my chair again. Am now a little more awake. Lalala.]

Today in posts that I've been meaning to make for a while but kept forgetting about: WEIRD STARGATE FEELINGS.

Okay, I realise that like ... absolutely nobody who reads this is really a Stargate fan and I have no idea if any of you have even watched SG-1, ever (all I know is that one person has seen Atlantis), but I promise I'm not going to talk about anything specific from the shows, just ... well, my feelings. o.O

The thing is, I've been jumping from one fandom to the next very quickly since I started downloading TV shows, always almost completely abandoning the previous one when I got into something new. Yes, I keep up with the ones that are currently running and sometimes even get quite excited about a new episode, but ... that's it, then. I watch it, I do some incoherent babbling about it, I relive it once more through Tumblr because everyone's posting gifs and screencaps, and then I'm done.

Stargate is different. It feels special to me. I made it through ten seasons in a single month, and if I had a better computer, I probably would have started rewatching episodes already. Being a Stargate fan reminds me of being an X-Files fan, which is very odd because the shows themselves don't have much in common. There's the "we're clearly in love but cannot be together because of our work" Official Canon Couple, I suppose, and maybe grey aliens. I suspect that the humourous aspects are similar as well, but it's been so long since I last watched The X-Files that I can't be sure. (Note to self: I should do something about that.)

cut for length )

I could go on for a while, but I know: nobody cares. My point is that I feel like I've unexpectedly stumbled upon something magical. I want more of it. I wish I had friends who were only discovering it now as well because then I'd have someone to discuss all the things with that are old news to everyone else. I want to list my favourite pairings to read fanfic about and actually get a response. THIS IS FRUSTRATING.
faevii: "I sacrificed a bathtub for this!" (sacrifice)
No, I didn't fall over from exhaustion yesterday. :P

I was quite impressed with myself, in fact. This happens occasionally. The opposite also happens, but that's what having unpredictable health issues is like, I guess. Sometimes I come home and spend the rest of the day wishing I'd stayed in. :(

Anyway, the cheapest harddrive I could find turned out to still be rather expensive (which may have had something to do with the fact that they don't seem to be selling anything below 320 GB anymore - I didn't even need that much space!), so I decided not to look for new earphones after all. What's funny is that I was then given a pair of cheap earphones for free with my purchase. LOL. I haven't tried them out yet and they might be terrible, but it's another option in case my other ones break. I did get a mouse, though, and it works so much better than the ancient model I had to deal with before. Hooray for that!

Towel shopping went over well and then A dropped me off near the station. Since I felt pretty awake again by this point, I just went ahead and got my hair cut. I was slightly worried that the service wouldn't be good because the place put particular emphasis on being cheap, but then the woman who happened to be free first after I came in was totally awesome and patient and helpful. I must have sounded like I had no idea what I wanted when in reality I mostly didn't know the words to describe it, but she didn't mind at all (unlike the person at that place here in my town that I mentioned I'll never set foot in again). She brought me pictures and asked a lot of questions, which is something that I wish just about everyone did. I'm good at answering specific questions. Before she started cutting, she asked me if I was really sure that I wanted it to be this short, but it was said in a joking tone and clearly not meant to make me change my mind, which I've had happen way too many times. In fact, she didn't comment on my choice in any way aside from saying it looked better than before once she was done.

I'm not sure how happy I am with the result yet. I need to figure out how exactly I want to style it first and that'll have to wait until my next shower, i.e. probably tomorrow. Not dumping water on my head just for styling experiments, nope.

Speaking of showers, I did shower a second time when I got home. However, instead of leaving the grocery shopping until afterwards, I opted to walk straight into town from the station and only bought about four or five things. Like bread and orange juice. I believe it was a wise decision, although it means that I'll have to go again today and I really don't want to ... ugh, I slept for at least 14 hours and I'm still tired. My feet still hurt a bit, too. But I'll live ...
faevii: (cartoon amy christmas wish)
Hahaha, I think I am in danger of simply falling over from exhaustion sometime today. Two and a half hours until A picks me up and I'm already very tired. I also just realised that I don't have a lot of food left, so technically I need to go grocery shopping ASAP. But since I've got other plans ...

Speaking of which, I thought that if I was lucky, A might also drive me straight back home. However, the last time we talked on the phone, I found out that I'll have to go back by train. This would not normally bother me; in fact I thought I'd use the chance to stop by the hairdresser's near the station. I mean, yay for cheap haircuts! Because if I had it done in my own town, it would cost me a lot more. The thing is just ... I'd have to shower a second time after that. Those little loose hairs are not something I can handle. But can I shower twice in one day after not having slept?? (Do I even have two clean towels, for that matter? I am incapable of reusing towels.)

And then I'm supposed to buy food after all that, or what. o_O

So, best case scenario: I do everything and somehow survive. Worst case scenario: I get my hair cut and shower, then find that I don't have it in me to go out again. Reasonable course of action: skip the haircut, go straight from the station to the closest supermarket and only buy a small selection of foods for the immediate future.

But ... but I'm really fed up with my hair and I won't get another chance like this anytime soon! ARGH. For once I don't want to be reasonable.

What if I just told myself I could do this, like people always say you're supposed to? WHAT IF?? [stay tuned to find out lol]

AUGH!!

Saturday, February 4th, 2012 02:57 pm
faevii: (OMGWTFBBQ!!1)
This is probably the first time in my life that I set myself an alarm because of Internet Commitments (!!) and I'm promptly screwing up what I signed up to do. >_< See, the person who usually does the posting in [livejournal.com profile] danielpix (a "daily picture" type of community for pictures of Daniel Jackson) is going to be unavailable for a while and has therefore asked us members to fill in. I volunteered for two days, one of which is today, but I didn't realise until just now that I'd only been watching the community instead of being a member! D: So I can't post. And I don't even know if the other moderator aside from the person who's absent is still actively involved in moderating the comm. I sure hope they are and will approve my membership before the day is over. :(

I'm so embarrassed. And this is the first day of their absence, too. Why can't I do anything right?? I never participate in fandom because I don't write or draw and at the moment I can't even make graphics, but I thought posting a simple picture would be something I could manage. Apparently not. *headdesk*

*UNSNOP*

Friday, November 4th, 2011 03:59 am
faevii: (wtf anthony)
What's a nice, English expression for "I have inadvertently navigated myself into an unfavourable situation that I don't see any way out of"? Not that the language matters, mind you. I cannot currently think of any German ones, either; all I know is that it is precisely what I just did.

My mistake was only to forget something, but the entirety of what happened has to be explained in a little more detail. I will be explaining it to myself as well, seeing as I've pretty much lost track of absolutely bloody everything by now. How fortunate that I can look back on my Twitter timeline and make deductions as to what happened when!

I see that it has just turned Friday. On Wednesday I started out feeling terrible both physically and mentally because I had slept badly and then needed to cancel an appointment. I decided that the best course of action was to thoroughly distract myself, in which I succeeded to my own surprise despite not having a plan. I simply hung out on Tumblr a lot and continued to read Homestuck, a kind of multimedia webcomic that I had recently discovered and become inexplicably fascinated with.

The obvious downside to being thoroughly distracted is that you're also in danger of forgetting to do essential things such as eating. That's where the pudding (!!~) comes in. On Wednesday morning I had chocolate pudding for breakfast because my sleepiness didn't allow me to do anything other than grab the next best edible thing and hastily plop down on my chair with it. When I finally felt up to the task of cooking, I was in the mood for bananas and searched the internet for a recipe involving them that I happened to have all the ingredients for. And thus ... I made a big bowl of banana pudding.

Around dinner time it occured to me that I had eaten nothing but pudding all day, which I found mildly amusing. Two or three hours later, Tom Hiddleston tweeted a picture of pudding, which everyone found very amusing. I spotted a sentence among the masses of amused commentary that made me wonder whether this was some kind of in-joke, but sadly I couldn't figure it out and soon returned to my distractions.

Then I accidentally remained distracted until four in the morning. Whoops.

I wouldn't say that I made a decision, exactly, to stay awake even longer. I had simply become so addicted to Homestuck overnight that I couldn't bring myself to stop reading. From then on it gets especially hazy - don't ask what I did for the next, oh I dunno, say TWELVE FREAKING HOURS OR SOMETHING, as I have no idea aside from the fact that at some point I ate rice for breakfast and my tweets mention food one additional time. I can only speculate that I actually spent most of them engrossed in that ridiculous story, possibly even ignoring my poor, unlucky bladder the entire time. Eventually I got to the end, however, or rather the most recent page. Ecstatic that I was now all up to date and could check out some fan art without fearing spoilers, I proceeded to do so for OH I DUNNO PROBABLY A VERY LONG TIME.

I said some pretty strange things in various places. Well, mostly the tags on my Tumblr posts just got more and more rambly (that is so a word). And then I became aware of this amazingly awesome exchange that had happened on Twitter while I was busy, between the aforementioned Tom Hiddleston and a Loki RP account that I wasn't following yet at the time, which was funny enough in its own right but also mentioned PUDDING again and then I looked at said RP account and the pudding was everywhere and by this point I was naturally hella sleep-deprived so EVERYTHING WAS FUNNY and I swear I nearly died of laughter.

Unfortunately this was also roughly the moment when the forgetting took place. Remember, this post was supposed to have a point? Yeah, idk either anymore. So what I forgot was that it was already Thursday night by now and that I was expecting someone Friday morning.

WHOOPS.

There wasn't nearly enough time left to sleep as long as one usually does after having been awake for two days, but I couldn't very well stay awake for another night, either ... or could I???

Apparently I can. It is slowly becoming Friday morning as we speak and I am almost certain that I'm about to beat some kind of personal record. Where am I even getting all this energy from?! PROBABLY NOT FOOD, I IMAGINE. The last two and a half days have been turned into a great, swirling memory sludge consisting mostly of Homestuck, laughter and pudding, in which I'm sure a couple of meals are floating around as well but surely not enough for such a long time?!

The thing is, there is no turning back now. If I were to fall asleep accidentally, having to get up to answer the door even merely to say "Sorry but no, bye!" would equal a kind of torture that - yeah, just no. :| So what I'm doing is staying awake. For at least 49 hours oh gods what is my life.

(Congratulations if anyone actually made it through all of this, I found lots of it funny but EVERYTHING IS FUNNY remember so idk I guess I'm biased.)

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Lin

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