Strange Dilemma

You know ... for someone who used to be strongly against intentional weight loss and fairly indifferent towards the possibility of accidental personal weight loss, I have sure spent an awful lot of time thinking about my weight lately. It's not just the clothing issue - at some point after I'd become more aware of my gender identity or lack thereof, I also started to wish I could look as androgynous as I used to when I was thinner. It seemed like a pointless wish because I had no idea where the weight came from in the first place, so there wasn't much I could do to get rid of it again. But then it started to come off on its own ...

I never owned a scale in all those years since I moved out from my mother's place, so this is pure estimation based on looks, but I think I'm back at roughly the same weight as a few weeks after Timo's birth. I had lost most of the extra weight from pregnancy and was currently wondering whether my stomach would become flat again once I was done losing or whether I'd be left with a bunch of lose skin, but then suddenly my body started going in the other direction for no apparent reason and I never found out what would have happened. Now I'm wondering again. It'd be just my luck if this time my medication prevented me from finding out.

I'm way too concerned with this. Weight gain shouldn't be a bad enough side effect to make you want to stop taking something that actually helps, and I don't even know if it's happening or not. That's the worst part, really ... not knowing what's causing what. Plus there's the additional worry that I might not be eating enough at the hospital because of my limited options, which could lead to a temporary loss followed by gaining it all back and then some (the good old yo-yo effect).

I'm not doing anything because of this, mind you. I'm not trying to eat less, or more, or differently. I cannot believe in any of that stuff anymore. It's just that whenever I exercise or go for a walk, I find myself hoping that this will help keep the process going, and everyday I feel the need to look out for changes. Whenever it seems like no change has occured for several days, I get really anxious about it. I don't want that. And yet I still need to find the right moment to buy clothes, so I couldn't look away even if I had the willpower. Emotions and logistics don't mix well. >_<

Another Goodbye

I spent the afternoon with Daniel, talking and listening to music. It was nice ... really nice. I love that I don't have to explain my problems to him anymore because he already knows what I mean when I say things like, "You know, that thing that always happens when I'm surrounded by new people." He knows almost everything. Sometimes I think we're much better off being friends instead of a couple.

Now I'm in the process of packing and it's going better than last time. I think. Unless I'm just unaware of the fact that I'm forgetting something important. I still have a lot of trouble trying to be a normal person during weekends; I'm afraid the only reason why I keep surviving them is that weekends are so short. >.<

It's really weird. Whenever I need to plan something, be it grocery shopping or packing or any random chore, my brain kind of freezes like an overburdened computer. There must be a fear of some kind hidden behind that, but of what? Thankfully my doctor's vacation is over now and tomorrow I get to talk to him again. I need to figure this out.

In any case I'll be gone soon, whether I catch the right train this time or not. See you next week, unless you're on Twitter, in which case you'll hear from me often enough due to how bored I always get. :P