Because it's not like I have anything else to do ...

Sometimes I get the impression that The Internet (which we all know is a living creature, of course :P) is deliberately trying to annoy me.

You see, it goes through these phases. Every few months, with almost frightening regularity, I find that there is suddenly way too much reading material to catch up on if I'm ever away for more than a day. So I cut down on things, maybe create a filter/list/group/folder for Unimportant Stuff that I can ignore in such instances, and for a while everything's fine. But then the opposite happens! Lately I am often done with my daily Places To Check process within five or ten minutes, even if I slept for an outrageously long time.

Now, it might seem logical to ask if this isn't my own doing. That's why I started this post with a "sometimes", I suppose - I really don't know. Maybe it's me, maybe there actually are times when people collectively start to post more or less often for some reason. Or just the people whose journals and blogs I read, through some sort of cosmic coincidence.

At any rate I have mixed feelings about what I'm doing right now, namely attempting to find more things to subscribe to, because I know that in a few months I'm only going to be fed up with it all again.

I'm a bit fascinated by how many different ways there are to use the internet, by the way. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't attempt bring some order into my current haphazard mix of LJ/DW, Twitter, Tumblr, Google Reader, dynamic bookmarks, forums and so on ... I hear there are people who manage to do everything they want through only one or two of these! XD

Insert witty subject here?

I always find it oddly comforting that many of the books on my doctor's shelf are in English. I realise that being able to read those is probably expected of medical students these days, so it's really nothing special, but ... IDK. I just like seeing them there.

Today I noticed that one of them has the rather dramatic-sounding title The Headaches. Hee. Could be a band name ... or a bad movie. Actually, I just googled that and discovered that there is a band called The Headaches on Myspace. They're German. XD

I finally brought up my hair loss issue, to which he unsurprisingly said that I'll need to have blood drawn. Tomorrow I already have a different appointment (busy week), but I'll see if I can do it the day after that. I also mentioned the spontaneous bouts of stomach pain that I've been getting with increasing frequency lately, which he'll look into once we've got the results of the blood test.

The main reason why I was there, though (yeah, never mind the crippling pain and hair loss), was that I had to pick up a referral and a copy of the report that the hospital I was in last year sent to him. Tomorrow's appointment is with a new psychiatrist and I needed those for that. For some reason I keep getting the impression that he doesn't want me to see that report - the first time I asked for it (months ago, before an appointment that I cancelled), he waved me off and said he could just fax it there himself, and today (when there was a problem with his fax machine) he gave it to me in a closed envelope. Well, tough shit. I know I have a right to read my own medical documents, so I just opened the freaking thing.

It was very ... illuminating. I think I'm finally beginning to understand why people keep misdiagnosing me when it comes to mental health. It's not what I say, it's body language and stuff like that. The report was full of sentences like "This is how she moved, this is how she spoke and this is HOW I PERSONALLY THINK SHE MUST HAVE FELT though she never said anything to that effect." e_e

It all makes sense now! No wonder their assessments never seem to fit; everyone reads me wrong. Even Daniel, who knows me very well and is rather observant, doesn't always get it right. So I guess I'll have to make an effort to constantly point out my thoughts and feelings to avoid misunderstandings in the future? :S

Part of it is physical, too. When I'm in pain, I often just ... freeze. Obviously that'll make people who don't know that I'm in pain think I'm scared or apathetic. And when I'm tired or exhausted ... well, of course I don't move much, either. Yes, I can see how this might cause me to appear depressed while I'm not. Gah.