faevii

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It has occured to me that if I really wanted to go to that school I picked out as early as next year, I'd have to start looking for a place to live in Hamburg very soon. Like next month maybe, depending on how easy it is to find something in that area. And now I'm glad that I already decided to wait another year or two because it is painfully obvious that I'm not ready yet. I'm barely holding it together just existing; every day that I don't go back to the hospital is an achievement. I haven't even seriously considered it so far, which is great, but with the way I've been feeling lately ... ah, well, I won't make any dire predictions. The point is, existing is about as much as I can handle at this time.

Today I'm not doing so well in the mental sense, and ironically the pain's already as good as gone. Seriously, why do these things take turns??

I don't know, I just ... I keep having these ... flashes. Like somebody suddenly pulled a plug in my brain and for a split second random memories come flooding out so fast that it's seriously disorienting. And the rest of the time I feel like I'm having trouble holding on to my personality or something. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I get panicky for no apparent reason and sometimes I sort of ... despair. But it's all very fleeting. A moment here, a moment there. Just ... generally unstable.

It's alright, though. I've got food for the weekend, I've done a minimal amount of housework and I'll try to go to bed early tonight. This doesn't have to ruin anything.